I'm a horrible mum

[Ifeelreallylow]

And I don't think anyone can really tell me otherwise.

Looooong story short.
Divorced abusive exH in 2016.
He hurt then 4yr old DD.
Stopped contact. Went to court for 18 months. Court threw out everything that myself and dd said. Sided with him completely.
(Judge said she believed he had said he would kill me, but that as he hadn't physically attempted to that meant he had really meant it, and therefore - not abusive)
Handed him EOW and 50% of all school holidays.

Dd (now 6) has had anxiety her whole life, manifested in physical ways.
Tummy problems
Urinary issues
Headaches etc

These all returned when contact was reestablished.

Went to gp today to discuss tummy pains, GP spoke to DD who said the pains increase before she sees daddy, and she gets upset about having to spend a week there at holidays etc.
Gp is making a safe guarding referral to Social services.

I should feel good about this. But I don't. I feel scared because the court and Cafcass blamed me wholly last time.
I feel like we're back at square 1.
I feel like... I can't do this again.

There is a part of me that is wanting to accept that this is how things are, so I can move on.
I'm prepared to let dd (and ds to an extent, except DS is apple of his dad's eye and gets treated like a prince while dd is treated like crap) I'm almost prepared to let them suffer, just so I don't have to do this again.
Face him again. The court again.

I wouldn't do it. I'll fight and fight til there's nothing left to fight for. But how shit am I. Feeling upset and annoyed that what should be a ray of light, is also a toil.

I'm shit
I'm a terrible mother.

You are caught between a rock and a hard place
That doesn’t make you shit

Your urge is to protect
You aren’t allowed to rote the her

I’m not much help sorry

They could twist it to be something you tell her to say - good luck

You’re not a shit mother, you’re human

I think the key word in your post is ‘almost’- you’re not actually the prepared to let her suffer.

If you were looking forward to going through this/ your kids going through this you’d be some kind of masochist, and then possibly a shit mother...

I hope you and your children get more support from the ‘professionals’ involved this time.

I think the definition of a good mum is feeling how you feel for you yet still doing what you do for them.

A shit mum wouldn't feel this turmoil. I hope you get some good guidance and support with this. Wish I could offer something.

You are not a shit mum , I absolutely understand how you feel and I think your feelings are justified. It is an exhausting process to have to go through, it feels as if you are fighting the whole world . Take one thing at a time and remember that you are only human.

You're fighting for what's best for your child. There's no rule that says you have to enjoy it! It's not wanting to do it but doing it anyway that makes it selfless. Wishing you luck