Counsellor confidentiality

[Cobblersandhogwash]

Our ds1 (aged 13 1/2) is seeing a counsellor every week.

I have asked the counsellor if he wants to know what's happened in our home in the week.

He says no. He wants to hear it from ds1. Except ds1 will in no way tell him what's happened in the week.

Ds1 is hostile, aggressive and dishonest. He will kick and upset furniture, trash his room and steal stuff if he doesn't get what he wants.

Should I be giving the counsellor the full background every week or is it normal to just let them crack on in confidence?

Unfortunately I am that parent that Sheep refers to. Ds was made to go. I think it's pointless if someone is made to go and doesn't want to.

I knew ds didn't want to go. They made him go. I knew it was pointless.

@JamieOliversChickenNugget I don't want to know what they are talking about in their sessions.

But I felt the counsellor should have a bit more background. Especially since recently ds's violence has escalated to a scary level.

If you feel his violence is at scary levels, counselling alone isn’t going to help, you really need other agencies to be involved in supporting you in parenting your son. Are social services/police involved given you’ve said his violence is scaring you?

Ds wants to go. He enjoys the sessions. I hope he's able to be honest and open there. I don't know if he is or if he feels he can be. Time will tell.

The counsellor knows ds has explosive anger. That then is all he needs to know.

Two other counsellors have dismissed ds as not needing any more help. When he was 8 and when he was 10. After which his behaviour escalated. It's now spilling over into school life which has never happened before.

So perhaps they felt they could do no more. Or there wasn't a problem of any sort.

The first was private. The second was CAMHS after much badgering of the GP who dismissed our concerns.

This current counsellor is private. Ds says he likes him so hopefully trust is building there.

I'm not looking to interfere in their relationship. I just thought the counsellor should know the extent of ds's aggression.

@Jellycatspyjamas yes, SS have said they'd send round a supportive team but that was just before Christmas so I guess that will be a while before that happens.

What are you hoping counselling will do for your son? I ask because counselling can be really helpful in some situations but it’s not always so, especially given he’s been having difficulties for such a long time.

Hopefully the counsellor is doing some emotional regulation skills type work with him, and giving him some tools and techniques to manage intense emotions rather than just plan old person centred counselling.

I was thinking about what was driving the need for counselling rather than the approach being used (I also think you’re being pretty dismissive of the person centred approach). Eg if the hope is the counsellor can “fix” the behaviour, or whether there’s some underlying trauma or issue that needs to be addressed which is giving rise to the violent behaviour. So is the counselling about trying to manage behaviour or trying to understand what the behaviour is communicating.

Sure, but he still needs to learn the skills to manage the feelings and behaviours, regardless of origin.

Not being dismissive of the person centred approach, just when you work in the NHS in a complex trauma/mental health setting and sessions are time limited, it's not the most efficient way to practice.

I’ve done short term/time limited work from a person centred approach for years and have a specialism in trauma. I appreciate it’s not the NHS’s favoured approach but it’s every bit as effective as skills based approaches (assuming someone who is actively engaged with their client rather than the “nod and reflect” pastiche that passes for person centred in some circles). In any event, yes skills are needed but I guess my question was about why counselling when mum has concerns about how her child engages.

@Jellycatspyjamas the counselling is to both manage the behaviour and understand better where it's coming from. Whatever order that happens or works. If it does work. Who knows?

Ds has scared himself with his level of aggression.

I have no idea where else to turn.

I really urge you to have a look at Ross Greene’s work. He has a website called Lives in the Balance and from there you can find a couple of Facebook groups.

I don’t know what kind of counsellor this is or whether they are for exmple a child psychotherapist - but have you tried asking them if they could recommend anyone to offer parent work sessions for you?

In well resourced Camhs teams this would usually be offered alongside as it’s obviously also going to be difficult for you if your child is struggling - and can be really helpful to also have a place to think. They could also potentially link with your child’s therapist or help you to think about whether or not you should.

I think if your child is becoming very violent, that is something that their counsellor should know about.

He is trying to help your son not judge you. A counsellor will know there are different sides to story. Let them crack on - the counsellor knows what he’s doing. It’s likely he wants to build trust with your son which might be trickier if your son thinks you are telling the counsellor things behind his back?
All counselors work in different ways - others might be interested in your feedback but there is no one to say which style is better.

Op what sort of counselling is your ds having?

I'm a counsellor and I know I wouldn't want an input from family or friends.
We aren't in the business of finding the truth. Wright or wrong isn't for us to evaluate. We work with what the client wants to disclose. No more.
Our job is to facilitate healing and mental wellbeing.

I wouldn't want a parent to volunteer information to let me know how awful their children are. If anything it would make me vías towards my client. That wouldn't be helpful to the therapeutic relationship.
I only care about my client nobody else.