how can i be more positive to try and get positivity back?

[coppercolouredtop]

is that making any sense? i suppose its the what you put out you get back thing.

lately i have been in a bad place and i can find nothing positive, and so it appears that the universe is conspiring against me and im getting the shit end of the stick with everything!

i had a very much wanted pregnancy in 2016 - it was a miracle as i was 44. her due date was new years day 2017. 1/1/17 and should have been my new year, new life, new beginning, exciting time.

instead i lost her at 14 weeks due to disability and despite trying since have not managed to get pregnant again.
my new year, new baby, new start, new me, was snatched away and is now gone forever. (im 46 now)

i went for my dream job in november. i didnt get it.
i went for another job i wasnt that fussed about and sailed the interview and got the job. but it doesnt start for 3 months. i hate the job im in right now and find it very stressful.

my job has included working xmas day. each year names go in a hat. mine came out last year not to work when i needed to work it.
this year i didnt want to work it and guess what....my name got drawn to work it
tomorrow is new years day and i wanted to work it due to it being my due date and dp is working it.
names in a hat again and i drew them.....and promptly drew my own name out to not work when i needed to.

so tomorrow, my due date and what should be my little girls second birthday i will be at home alone (probably nursing this hangover as im at home alone now and sinking a bottle of prosecco)

today i had an incident whilst on the way to work that i couldnt ignore where i had to keep hold of someone who did something bad - i put them in my own personal car and they peed all over my car on purpose

it feels like the universe is just having a great big laugh at my expense.
if i want something i dont get it.
if i dont want it i get it.

im struggling so much to remain positive or cheery and i know my moaning and ranting is only pushing people away yet im so angry all the time i dont know how to squash it. all i seem to do is moan and i hate myself for it!

how can i turn this around for myself? i dont have support and i cant really talk to anyone about it.

Yes that does make sense. You’ve had a shitty time of it though and it’s understandable and ok to feel angry. New Year sounds like it’s a particularly upsetting time with it being the anniversary of your baby’s due date. Maybe rather than putting pressure on yourself to feel full of the joys of the new year it might be easier to just accept you feel crap but that things won’t always be this bad. I had 5 years of sheer hell so I really understand that ‘universe conspiring against you’ feeling. It’s bloody exhausting and soul destroying. Some things you can’t change but some will improve. I’m really sorry for the loss of your little girl. Is there anything you can do to either distract yourself tomorrow or do something to remember her?

I suppose I could actually drag myself off to the baby garden at the crem but sometimes it feels like wallowing I'm self pity and dp wi revenue remember what day it is.

He is working nights so will be in bed till 1 or 2.

Maybe I should get up and go to the crem. Just tonpay a visit although it's a proper pain in the arse to get to ....I do t know what would make me feel better. My anxiety is also through the roof lately and the thought of driving through the major city where the crem is fills me with dread although the crem itself is beautiful and peaceful and high above the city .

Worse still I do t think I could tell dp where I was going or why.

Anxiety is a total bugger. If the thought of getting to the baby garden is filling you with dread maybe tomorrow is not the best time to undertake a visit. It’s not wallowing in self pity though to do something to remember your little one though. Not one bit. Would you feel up to a walk? Just to get outdoors? Is there anywhere pretty where you could just ‘be’ for a little while? I remember people telling me I should ‘move on’ and that being angry would destroy me. Well, that used to make me really angry because I’d just think ‘I challenge you to go through what I’ve been through and not feel muderous’. Anger can be a positive emotion up to a point imo. It can get you through shit times. Years later, I am content but if I think about everything that happened, I still feel angry and think I always will. If you feel that nothing brings you any pleasure, that you feel hopeless though I would see the doctor if you’ve not already. If you’re depressed it might be that you need support.

It sounds like you’ve had a really hard time. How about at gratitude journal in 2019? Write one thing down every day that you are grateful for. Supposed to do wonders for state of mind, never tired it myself - maybe I should do it in 2019 too

Rachel I keep a ‘mental’ gratitude journal and it does help. When I’m ill I think I’m lucky I can access medical care when I need it. I think how lucky I am to have a roof over my head somewhere safe. I have enough food to eat and am warm enough. My flat is a bit shitty but millions of people throughout the world would see it as luxurious and beyond their reach. Once you start thInking this way it does become more of a default setting like any habit.

my grown up dd got me a lovely emma bridgwater diary for xmas so i will use that and i will keep a gratitude diary starting tomorrow.
im also trying to undertake a "dry january" as i am aware my drinking is out of control lately and needs to be addressed.

This is what our therapist recommended: everyday you ask each other what was the best thing that happened today? What have I done to make you feel appreciated?

You have been through a lot. Dont underestimate how much shit like that can bring you down. I think you should visit your gp to see if the anxiety can be medicated. Could you be signed off work to give you a bit of breathing space? Are you getting any exercise? I would go for something gentle like yoga. Can you sign up for a class? Are you eating well? Focus on getting 5 a day. And I would see if you can find a therapist or grief group. Failing that, selfhelp books from the library. Julian Barnes wrote one about grief.

What makes you happy? Could you set yourself some small managable goals? Plan to catch up with people that you havent seen for a while. Book tickets to the cinema or theatre. Aim for one thing per month.

If you can afford it I would just get on a plane and go somewhere warm for a week with your dp.

It sounds like you've had a real shit time of it. I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter OP.

Something I've done twice now and really like doing is the 100 happy days photo diary. You take a photo of something every day that has given you happiness or joy. It doesn't need to be big, it can be something really tiny like seeing a daisy on the garden. It helps me tilt the world back into focus of positivity because I actively think about whether what I'm doing at that moment is giving me joy. I have done this twice, both when I've been having a crap time of it and I then made the photos into a book to look back over.

I've also tried a happiness or gratitude diary, but I found that more overwhelming for some reason. I love photography though so that really made me go through with the 100 happy days thing.

That sounds a really good idea Copper and the perfect book to use for it. I really do feel grateful for everyday things I’d have taken for granted before I started thinking about what they meant. Unlike Rachel didn’t think to suggest doing it though. It’s a very small and easy to do thing but it does help shift your thinking. Even if something is awful I think well at least I don’t have to go through this while trying to flee a warzone and I don’t have to worry that my family are safe etc.

i am hopelessly unhappy and i dont know how to change those feelings to something better.

but i will try some of these suggestions. thank you.

yes i should probably see gp but dp is a hard nut to crack and i dont feel i can open up about any of this as he is the stoic stiff upper lip type.
absence from work would not be tolerated unless leg falls off.

Even if you can’t open up to your DP that doesn’t mean you can’t see the GP. If you need help you need to get it and I’d say that’s even more important if you’re partner isn’t able to talk things through.

sometimes the smallest things can have the biggest impact.

around 15 years ago i met a lady on a very small online parenting forum called raising kids.
this lady was amazing and wise and a teacher and had a son just like y grown up aspie boyo. and we clicked. we never met. but we got on.

she just posted the MOST amazing message of support on fb and of everyone i know and dont know - she had a huge impact on how i feel tonight.

id posted some buddhist message about accepting stuff and patience and she came on that post and and said she loves that i put sparkly boots on and kick the shit out of stuff sometimes and that i dont just accept stuff....

and honestly.? i cried.
i could hug that lovely lady ive never met in real life but have known for all these years a thousand times over tonight because of every single person in my life she just made me feel ok. she made me feel valid and fierce and alive and she reminded me i WAS those things! i did fight for my boy! i did battle and win!
and im actually ok. im not a bad sort. if i whinge and moan its because i see things to whinge and moan about.

bless you and i love you so much right now - more than anyone because you just "got me" and no one else has.

forums are great. xxx

Copper so glad that you got that response to your fb post. Hold on to that reminder of the strength and resolve you have shown in the face of adversity. You ARE still that person. Maybe a bit more battered by life’s shit but she’s still there. Sometimes whinging and feeling angry is justified. It’s not normal to feel positive and full of the joys of when life has been tough. But you won’t always feel this way. Nothing stays the same. Be kind to yourself and if you feel you are still wading through treacle and can’t enjoy anything please please see your GP. I hope 2019 is much kinder to you xx

You have been through a lot. I don't have much sympathy for people who Moan about things within their control. But that's not you. You've had shit conspire against you.