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Original poster

Surname decision - lesbian marriage

16 replies

Teniellew · 31/12/2018 17:17

My fiancé and I are having some trouble with deciding on a last name for us once we are married.
To paint a picture, I am one of four siblings, all four of us are female. My three sisters are heterosexual. When they get married and have children, they have made it clear that they and their children will share their partners last name. Unfortunately I am the only one left (including all cousins) who will be able to carry on our family’s surname. My fiancé however, she has a brother who is 14 years old who we are quite sure he is heterosexual and will be able to carry on their family’s surname through his possible future marriage and conception of children. Am I wrong to feel so passionately and strongly towards our new family allowing my current/soon to be family’s surname in circulation by ensuring our children have my surname or am I being irrational. My partner is 100% on board (as far as I can tell) with using my family’s surname however I don’t want this to enable a fight in 10 years time. Any advise is appreciated. Thank you

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 31/12/2018 17:21

A lesbian couple I know decided to keep their individual last names after they got married. So they are Joan Smith and Jenny Jones, but married. I don't know exactly what their reasons were, but it would certainly be simpler in the long run for insurance, taxes, etc.

Congratulations on your engagement!

Flowers Smile

dementedpixie · 31/12/2018 17:21

Double barrel?

SolidarityGdansk · 31/12/2018 17:23

Is there anything special about your name that needs to be passed down?

Apologies if that sounded like a rude question, but my attachment to my unmarried name was not linked to a need to pass it down - so maybe I just don’t get it.

I think if I were in your situation, I would try and think of a new name. A mix of her name and mine. Or maybe a name of a historic figure we both admired.

AssassinatedBeauty · 31/12/2018 17:26

What your surname is doesn't have to have any impact on what any children of yours are called. When you register a child you can put whatever you want on the birth certificate.

Is it vital that you change your name on marriage? Wouldn't it be simpler to just both keep your own surnames? You could look at it again should you have any children, and then make a decision about what surname you'd like for them and for you both.

Kezzie200 · 31/12/2018 17:27

Id say do what you both prefer overall. Personally, Id stay with two different maiden names or double barrell them, so long as the two names work together.

I like double barrels but then can seem silly or pretentious depending on what surnames you naturally happen to have.

ButteryParsnips · 31/12/2018 17:28

Double barrelling would be a compromise? Or the child(ren) having your partner's surname as a middle name and yours as surname - then they could choose to use yours only or both when they're older.

BringOnTheScience · 31/12/2018 17:31

You can do what you like! Even merge the two names together rather than double-barrel... www.bbc.com/ideas/videos/seven-simple-solutions-to-the-surname-dilemma/p06hrgj9

SweetAngie · 31/12/2018 17:35

You’re not wrong to feel passionate about it, you feel what you feel. But I am curious about it. What does it mean to you about passing your name down?

If your fiancé is happy to take your name then go for it. However, there is no guarantee that your BIL will have children or give them his surname.

BringOnTheScience · 31/12/2018 17:35

FWIW - I'm the 'last of my line' with an unusual name. I opted to take DH's much simpler surname (I no longer have to spell it every single time!) but the DCs have it as their 2nd middle name. Eg Annie Jemima Maiden Science (A J M Science).

RaininSummer · 31/12/2018 17:38

Not sure passing it down matters that much really but just do it if your partner is happy with that plan. I am the last of the line with my surname but hadn't really thought about it til now.

Yabbers · 31/12/2018 17:40

If she’s happy and you’re happy, what’s the problem?

Sitranced · 31/12/2018 18:15

Gay couple I know got married this year and combined their surnames. IE. Richardson + Greensmith = Greenson* not real names but you get the idea.

StillMedusa · 31/12/2018 19:09

My DD1 and her (female) partner married a few months ago and her partner took our (DD1s) surname. They had discussed various combinations, but as DW is one of 5 there are plenty to carry that name on, and DD1 is a doctor and it seemed less faff to keep the name she is registered with with the GMC.

She was very happy to take DD1's name and her family did not mind at all. We would not have minded in the least if they had done the opposite... but they rather like being Dr and Mrs C :)

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 31/12/2018 19:16

My friend and his husband kept their own surnames. They have no children but their dog is registered with a double barrelled surname at the vet

SleepingStandingUp · 31/12/2018 19:19

If the only concern is passing it down, there's no guarantee her older brother will marry and have children surely?

I'd double barrel, mesh or pick a new one.

ApolloandDaphne · 31/12/2018 19:27

My niece took her wife's surname when they married so she could shed her dad's surname. He was a right bastard to her and never attended the wedding.

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