How can I secure my future?

[Ratbag2018]

I am trying to reach agreement with my Ex over pensions after a divorce. He claims that he was never able to pay into a pension as he was self employed so he should be entitled to mine. I have been supporting both 'children' now young adults since he left and he has paid nothing. I remortgaged the house to free up capital for him to buy a house but he has already spent half on his lavish lifestyle. Mine is a NHS pension and he is trying to force me to pay half of a Pension Actuary to the tune of £600 each. I have no savings, and literally live only on my wages each month. Any rent the kids can give me is limited as they are both low earners. I will also have to free up another lump sum from my pension to pay him for the rest of the house. I am terrified for my future. My solicitor seems to think I will have few options. We split because of debts he ran up without my knowledge. Any advice very welcome.

Would downsizing the house be an option? I appreciate that your adult children are low earning but that doesn't in itself mean you can afford to house them.

I have thought about that but the cost of houses etc where I work would mean a one/two bed house as I would be expected to release the additional money from any sale. Neither of my children can afford rent or a deposit to move out and their father has made it very clear they can't live with him.

Welcome to the world of men.

Isn't equality great!

I have never expected anything from him financially and worked full time myself while also bringing up the kids - he worked for himself and was rarely home to take a share of childcare. I regularly suggested he arrange a pension which he claimed he had done - now I know that was a lie. I personally feel no-one is entitled to someone else's pension and he knows I would never have asked for his. This is not about equality - he worked fulltime with a very good wage. He has walked away from any responsibilities (other behaviours from the marriage were difficult to live with.)

It doesn't matter what he claims
Does your solicitor say that he isn't entitled ?

She says the courts would be likely to award him half. On top of the amount I need to free up from my pension to pay the remainder of the house I could end up with less than 40% of my pension while he has the remainder. Plus I will have a large morgage to pay off. He is likely to love in with his GF who owns her own house so will end up with most of my pension and a lump sum. I offered a decent percentage that he refused. I am more upset that he has been careless about his finances in the past and now sees me as a way out. I can't afford a protracted legal battle but he will use the money I have given him for the house to pay if he takes me to court! I just feel so stressed about it all. He is controlling the whole process by letter so it has been dragging on for months.

If I was a rich socialite that is one thing but I work for the NHS!!!!

it certainly is tricky I admit
Is there anyway that either of the children could be claimed to be dependent on you?

Because this is the problem isn't it
he knows that they need some support from you, but he knows that you can't enforce this because they are over the age where you have a duty towards them in a legal sense
He is disregarding the wellbeing of his children isn't he supposed to be a supportive person in their lives?
can the debts that he ran up or any other of his misdemeanours be used to make a case against him or get any leverage in any way?

Name changed! Seems more appropriate now.
His sol is claiming there is no point in investigating past debts - which he is blaming on me although I knew nothing about their existence. He seems to think his support of his children ended at 18 but how many kids really leave home at 18 and are fully self-sufficient? Uni is the next challenge and I refuse to stop either going because he won't help financially.

I bet his solicitor is disregarding last debts!

Is hour solicitor also telling you that there is no point investigating the debts that were unknown to you? I thought that debts run up to the benefit of one party only, could be considered in the settlement.

You shouldn’t have given him any money until you had the finances sorted. Do you have emails / letters / anything that shows the sums you have him were part of your divorce and any settlement? What does your solicitor say about this?

We’re Past debts taken into account when your separated?
I worry about retirement as well but husband only wants to live for now, I can’t get him to invest in his super.

Do you have anything on him
anything that can be used to persuade him a bit?

Your mistake was already releasing money to him - you should have made him wait for the full settlement to give yourself leverage in negotiations so he was cash poor

Of course he is entitled to his share of your pension. It’s a marital asset like anything else. Move on from thinking the way you are and see the bigger picture. You need to think about what split of the house and pension suits you best. Eg is it better to have a bigger mortgage now that you can pay off with a bigger proportion of lump sum by keeping more pension etc. Use this to structure a settlement offer

I would suggest you dig in your heels over full disclosure of debts he has run up over the last few years, say up to three years. These will generally be offset and if it goes to court make him look a twat.

Although your children are adults you are supporting them in the short/medium term and a court can also take this into account

You might be better slowing down the whole process (maybe by insisting on the full disclosure he won’t want you to have) to give yourself some breathing space and make him more amenable to negotiations

Also are you absolutely sure he has no pension? What about one from before he was self employed? Any old tax returns of his anywhere? He could have frozen his contributions and be not declaring the pension. Again full disclosure is the way forward

I'm sorry, I can see it is stressful, but I think he is entitled to half your pension as it is an asset of the marriage.

He isn't necessarily entitled to half of any specific asset, but the pension is an asset of the marriage so of course it's going to be considered. I wouldn't waste time thinking about whether you agree with this or not. It won't do you any good.

I realise freeing up money for the house was a daft thing to do. I naively believed he was going to use it to pay for a deposit. At the time everything was completely amicable to the point that I would help him move and even hang the curtains in his new flat! Even cooked him a birthday meal!
Have made some decisions now and will play hardball. I am fully aware pensions are assets and can't do much about that but I won't be going under as a result. Thanks for all the advice! New Year - New Challenges!