this is a long read, but please someone help.
I'm in a position where I'm stuck and don't know what to do. I'm 20 years old and had always known from a young age that I wanted to be a mum, I never wanted to do anything more with my life other than have a baby to love and grow with. Earlier this year I fell pregnant (unplanned) with my partner of 3 years and the moments where I was the only person who knew were the happiest moments of my life. My partner (23) has always wanted a family of his own also since he came from a broken abusive family, which unfortunately has left him with extreme anxiety and depression which in turn stops him from doing pretty much anything, such as going out on dates, getting a job etc. When I told him we were pregnant it was the first time in a long time I could feel his genuine happiness and I thought that this would finally be what he needed to feel better and to want to do better in his life but of course life doesn't work that way.
His anxiety stopped him from being able to attend to parenting class's with me or any of my doctors appointments and check ups. I've never blamed him and I've never felt let down by him because at the end of the day his mental health is letting him down and I know in my heart that if that anxiety wasn't there he would be at every single appointment without any form of complication.
When I got to 27 weeks I was made redundant at my job and wasn't entitled to any maternity pay or any redundancy pay so with my last wage I went out and bought everything my baby needed because I knew I wouldn't be able to get another job until she was born and I knew my partner wasn't right in himself to get a job. There wasn't much for me to do with myself from the day I was made redundant until the day I gave birth apart from lounge around, help my boyfriend with his problems, relax as much as I could and dream of the perfect life and family I was going to have all because we had no spare money coming in to do anything. My family would make plans with me, then let me down, my friends would arrange to see me, then not show up and because I'm the type of person that takes it hard getting let down I never try to remake plans or anything again in fear of it happening again.
My baby is now born and we're living with my parents and I couldn't be more unhappy with my whole life. I love my baby, but I don't feel connected with her. I love my partner but I'm finding it hard to be around him. I love my parents but I can't stand the feeling of being judged on my own parenting skills. I have a thousand bills a month to pay, a baby to feed, a partner to help, no way to afford help for either of us, no income aside from benefits that barely get me though the week, I have stresses, I have anxiety, I have guilt, I have nothing.
I wish I could end it all but I've waited too long on my daughter and have been through too much just to give up on her. Don't get me wrong, my partner supports me every single day and makes me feel great about myself and loves me to death for everything I've done for him and continue to do and I have a loving supporting family to back me up but I can't help but once again feel let down with my entire life.
What do I do?