How can I support my friend in dire need?

[Danglyspider]

Hi - just read my friend's post on fb informing everyone that her DH died suddenly last night. Obviously I don't want to go into too much detail for fear of outing her, but it was completely out of the blue and unexpected. Instead of posting a message I rang her immediately to see if she had someone with her - she does, thankfully, but I've said as soon as DH returns I'll go over. What can I do to help? She's said she doesn't need me to pick anything up, but I'm think more in terms of support - I'd offer to take her DCs for a while, but I'm thinking they will want to be together, so I'm thinking more in terms of being there for her, helping sort out the house/food/children, that kind of thing. It's a horrible horrible situation for her to have to be in, and I know that I won't be able to make it easier, but if there's anything that people may have done or had people do for them if they've been in a similar situation, I'd be grateful for some advice, as I've never experienced anything similar.

*thinking, even.

Sorting out some simple meals for the family over the next few days would be helpful, practically grief hits differently for everyone - i was suprised at just how delibiltating it was for those first days after the initial crises - things like making, a packed lunch were beyond me.

It may well be that close family gathers round for the first days and weeks, but its after that period that it really starts to take its toll.

Just being a competent, compassionate adult to pick up the slack will be an enourmous help im sure.

I agree, there usually is a lot of people initially rallying round.

Your friend might want washing/iron/food shopping done or she might just want someone to sit with her.

You sound lovely - put a calendar reminder in for 6 weeks to invite her for dinner / drop a dinner & a card round depending on how she's coping. I bet it feels very, very lonely after the initial blur of dealing with the crisis.

Agree with above making sure basics are in, food, loo roll, milk, fairy liquid etc. How awful for everyone.

Ok - thanks for this. I'm probably going to pack a small bag to take with me, in case she wants me to stay over for a night or two, and just keep it in the boot initially, so it's there if needed. I'm happy to stand back if she has too many people round at the moment, and go and see her later when she might need it more. She's a strong individual, but I know grief can affect people in different ways, so I'll try to be sensitive and neither assume she needs things doing for her, but also try and be as supportive as possible without being intrusive.

Fusion, that's a good idea - it's hard isn't it, because I don't want to be in her face, but also I've been close to her and her DCs in the past, and so think they might appreciate having me around a little more than some of her other friends, but I'll have to judge it when I see them, I think.

Don't forget her later on down the line.
I lost my mum in September and everyone rallied round; I barely hear from anyone now - even though it's still really tough.

You sound like a lovely friend.

My DH died suddenly a year ago leaving me with 2 small children. Help with the children was the biggest help at that time, feeding them and keeping them occupied as I was so upset it was a struggle trying to organize all this.

A previous poster is right about the help disappearing after a few weeks though. I had to return back to full time work a few weeks after and realized that only one or two friends even asked if we were ok once I was back at work.

I know that life goes on and for other people the impact on their life is not so big - but if you could just check with your friend every now and then that she is ok or maybe ask if she wants you to have the children for a few hours this would really help her. As much as I love my children I have had no break at all since the initial 2 weeks after his death. My life is work, home, sort the children, bed and repeat on a daily basis. So maybe giving her a few hours to herself in the long term, even so she can just get a bath would help her.

Thanks cookie - I'll try to be there as much as I can in both the short and long term - the whole thing must be an absolute nightmare for them, so the least I can do is be there as a proper supportive friend. She would absolutely do the same for me, I'm sure. I'm so sorry that you don't hear from people now, though - I've had a similar situation with when I split up with my ex - everyone was supportive initially, but then they just drifted off, never to be heard from again, a lot of them. Which is just shit.

upinastar, I'm so sorry for your loss, even though it was a couple of years ago. I'm thinking that it may be the more practical things that other people might shy away from offering to help with - things like telling the school or his work might just be emotionally too difficult for her to want to tackle right now, but will probably need to be done as term will be starting soon, and whether or not the DCs go back, they'll need to be informed. But yes, offering to help with the kids later on down the line will be helpful for her too, I'm guessing.

You sound like a great friend. I think I would just reiterate what everyone else is saying. There is normally lots of people around helping and trying to be supportive after the loss and if they need anything for the funeral etc. But I found after the funeral people slowly disperse and you don't really see them much after.

I think offering to have the kids is also a great idea, as I find, I put my poker face on for my baby as don't want to just be really sad around him, and I'm a lot the same with my DH, wanting to be strong for them, so haven't really had time to grieve, so allowing her a bit of time on her own ( if that's what she wants ) might be good for her.

I'm thinking that maybe post-funeral I'll suggest a weekly meet-up for a coffee if she has time, where I can gently check on how she is and whether she needs anything, and maybe suggesting a regular play-date or cinema trip with the DCs so she can have some time off to herself. I'll see how it goes, but I know she doesn't have any family nearby, so she may well need something like that - and the DCs might like it as well.

Could you offer to take the kids once a week to something? It would be very helpful to her to know she has a regular hour or two to sort finances or have a peaceful bath or look forward to being alone as she adjusts to being a single parent.

OP this must be so hard for your friend , my DH died last year and I was lucky enough to have family and friends around to help but very quickly they drifted off ( with one or two exceptions ) for me it was the ones that came to the funeral home to sort things out , organise cars / lifts to the crem/ food for the wake. We do not have any DCs but I guess I would of appreciated help with them too.

For me the 1st few weeks were a blur it was later that I wanted someone to talk to.

If your friend dosnt drive give her a lift when you can , get her to do her shopping on line .

Most importantly introduce her to MN , I will never be able to thank the people enough on here that helped me through the hard times. Sometimes you need someone outside family and friends to talk to.

Similar happened to my best friend a while ago. I make sure I text her everyday (she's a few hundred miles away) The texts aren't long, just a checking in thing really. She said recently that these really help her, again a lot of people fell from the radar after a few months. I send flowers/gifts on her dhs birthday/their anniversary so she knows we're thinking of her

These are all really helpful suggestions, and yes, when things have settled a little bit I'll mention mn to her (although I'm sure I've recommended it in the past too!)

What a nice friend you are OP, hugs to you too