Does my dh know me at all?

[Spotsbeforemyeyes]

Together 17 years, married 13 and a half.

6 DC, 2 older ones of mine, 4 together age 15-7

For Christmas dh got me branded tracksuit with brand down the arms and legs, similar track jacket, another similar different colour. Couple of books that my DD chose, perfume that I chose. Gym bag. Rose scented soap set.

I'm not ungrateful for the gifts but I'm just so disappointed that yet again it's things that I'd never wear or use. I'll take them back but it's a shop that doesn't give refunds so only a credit note therefore I'll end up using the credit to spend on DC as it's not a shop that I use.

I'm trying to work up the courage to tell him that we need to talk about our marriage. He's a workaholic, I don't work out of the home. He has a hobby that takes him out of the house most Saturdays and sometimes a Sunday, he does take 2 of the DC with him as they enjoy it too.

We haven't had sex for a year. We're not old. We have a comfortable life financially although I don't have money of my own.

Something needs to change. He said recently he'd be lost without me but I feel sad that yet again gift giving ( birthdays are the same) just show how little he knows what I like.

For context he buys gifts that he likes not what the receiver would like despite me telling him over the years, not just for me but any time he buys gifts.

Maybe I'm over reacting?

Sounds like there are deeper problems than just the gifts. Hope you are ok

Honestly it all sounds so familiar. My workaholic husband wasnt actually a workaholic. He was/is a lazy, selfish bastard who just didnt care. I didnt know the money pot either. I was so alone, sad and tired. It felt horrible.

Snap! Actually felt so lonely in my marriage and stbxh never bought me a single gift the whole time we were together, sheer laziness/selfishness.

Thing is he thinks he's done great. He mentioned how well he'd done several times before Christmas day so I was quite excited to be honest.

Yes I do feel alone if I'm honest. He's so hard to talk to though, he's always working, even in front of the TV he's working or on his phone so there never feels like a good time to bring it up.

Bloody Sports Direct

I'd be annoyed with those gifts they kind of imply that you smell and should exercise more but that's probably just me being unreasonable.
Men are just not like us. Sometimes I think they are just an alien species, they don't talk about important things, they do what they want and they don't address problems.
They are also absolutely clueless about gifts and either don't bother orr choose something completely appropriate.
He will not see you being unhappy, you have to confront him like another man and say right we have a problem, spell it out and make him listen and tell him you will not be putting up with this and tell him what you actually want.
He probably thinks he is doing fine by working full time and that he actually bought you a gift.
I never expected any man to know what i wanted I used to have to spell it out every single year or I.d just get garbage again.

Have a think. My oh is a poor judge for the most part. We're comfortable and don't need anything and i hate waste, but like to see presents under tree. That's quite a lot of preferences! But oh agreed when I suggested switching us to lists. The lust is big enough, with a huge price range (well from 50p to £50!) he can still surprise me, and is learning what i like.

The reason i suggest you take a moment is that, for instance, my oh mostly gets gifts i don't like but he is fabulous in every single other way. He's very thoughtful in many other ways. Gift giving alone isn't a suitable measure of love.

I was married to mine for 10 years and he used to get me stuff like this that is never wear. Or he would get me the trainets/jacket that I wanted but in pink when he knows I hate pink!
He would also get things like household appliances and expect me to be overjoyed.
Funny thing is I would've been happy with a trip to the cinema or a meal together at home, I wouldn't have minded how much it cost. And yes I felt so so lonely all the way through my marriage.

He dislikes wish lists, he says it's grabby. He also bought me a polo neck jumper because he likes them even though I've told him I don't wear them as I have big boobs and they're simply not flattering.

It is more than the presents, it's the fact that he doesn't listen.

I'm going to have to take the bull by the horns aren't I?

And yes, bloody Sports Direct 🤣

We have a comfortable life financially although I don't have money of my own.

What does this mean?

quarter miss it means that he holds the purse strings and gives me housekeeping per month.

That's being financially abusive actually.

Sports is that something you have actively chosen as a way of life?

Amber of he thinks it's grabby, fine, but just put the stuff on recycling, you don't have to pretend to be grateful.

Good lord, are you married to my ex? He couldn't comprehend that other people had different ideas of what they enjoyed doing than what he enjoyed doing, eating, reading.
He disliked egg white therefore everyone disliked egg white. He wanted specific headphones for his interminable gaming therefore everyone was yearning for the same headphones. He didn't like red wine so no one liked red wine, even to the extent of returning red wine at dinner that had been ordered by friends we were dining with "ugh, vile, we don't want this shite, bring us some Chardonnay, mate" (nothing wrong with Chardonnay btw, just it was the only wine he knew)

It was the interminable gaming and the constant i know better than everyone else attitude that felled our relationship in the end. We didn't do joint bank accounts as we tried it once and he regarded all the monies in as his and virtually demanded proof that I was entitled to spend my own earnings on me! Soon knocked that idea on the head.

He's still single 12 years later.

whiskey I know ☹️ if I said that he'd tell me I spend too much time on mn and that I'm a liberal.

If I need anything I ask for it, I hate doing it but it's fairly impossible for me to get a job as I'm the one who would have to drop everything if the DC needed me, sickness etc therefore I'm not a very reliable employee.

When we first married we had joint account, at some point he decided I was no good with money so closed it and now he gives me money.

He loves me I know he does and is content. I have told him on more than one occasion that I'm not happy but he says Oh you're always moaning and it's always my fault.

Fuck that leave him. You'd be happier on your own I expect.

Your last update has red flags of financial abuse all over it 😨

But how do you change things?

Posting in relationships, or asking your thread to be moved there, will get this seen by lots of posters with hard won experience and fantastic advice. About what abuse is, how to manage it, how to reconsider a different type of future. Good luck with it all - you deserve more than this