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Original poster

I have just had a fucking nuff

19 replies

BarbiePincers · 28/12/2018 19:48

I can't do it any more. It's just tedious and never ending

The kids argue with each other ALL THE TIME. We literally can't go more than 2 hours without screaming and shouting. I'm done. I've got nothing left. It doesnt matter what I do, i cant improve it. I can't do this for years and years more

OP posts:
viktoria · 28/12/2018 19:51

How old are they?
Do you have any support?

Beaniebeemer · 28/12/2018 19:51

I hear you! How old are your children? I find this time of year magnifies how hard parenting can be. Winter, stuck inside (in my case living in a tiny house doesn’t help) do you have any support?

Singlenotsingle · 28/12/2018 19:55

Pack a suitcase, leave it by the front door and tell them next time...

Original poster
BarbiePincers · 28/12/2018 19:55

They are 1w4 and 9. No support. Elderly parents which is a whole other thread and a pretty ineffectual ex

We have just come back from a relaxing time away too. So i should be refreshed and relaxed. But it took sbout 2 dsys before I was as ground down as i was before

Maybe it will be better when we are back at school and work. But I have been feeling like this increasingly, for ages tbh

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 28/12/2018 19:57

What ages? They need help on how to get along. Mine are 7&9 - I adopt the mindset that they need help to get on. Sometimes they’ll fight but usually they’re ok.
What have you tried?

Original poster
BarbiePincers · 28/12/2018 19:59

14 and 9. The teenager is a totally arsehole to her sister. She doesnt need help to get along. She knows how to get along. She is just being an arsehole on purpose

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbiePincers · 28/12/2018 20:10

single you mean send them somewhere? Or run away myself? I so want to run away. But I don't know where I want to go.

OP posts:
viktoria · 28/12/2018 20:16

Teenagers can be really tough. And even though they don't want to need you, they do. In a weird way.
9 year olds need you in a different way.
Then you have elderly parents - a whole other pressure there.
And you are effectively carrying it all yourself. No wonder you feel exasperated.

Things that sometimes help me

  • having an early night
  • having time off (maybe meet up with friends) if possible..
  • a walk in the park

Sorry, feel like I'm not much help.

mimibunz · 28/12/2018 20:19

Chores always sorted us out. Me on the bathroom and laundry and my brother on kitchen and vacuum. If you finished quickly you just got another chore to do.

Original poster
BarbiePincers · 28/12/2018 20:23

Yeah, it's chores tomorrow mimi...But that could just be a day of me nagging/shouting and them ignoring me

viktoria I feel like i need to go out and get wrecked. But No one really to be the responsible adult, whilst I do that. I'm in bed now. I have left them watching tv. At least they are quiet

OP posts:
viktoria · 28/12/2018 20:32

Barbiepincers that's a wise move.
Sometimes just being in a different room can make a big difference.
Understand the wish to get wrecked, but I always feel that when I have so little time to myself, I don't want to waste it on a hangover.
I tend to eat chocolate instead... not necessarily a smart move...

mimibunz · 28/12/2018 20:33

Sorry Barbie. All I can say is to double down on being a worse arsehole than they can be, knowing it’s for their ultimate benefit. We got tough love mixed with non-judgment about the stuff that didn’t matter. Best wishes! Flowers

Singlenotsingle · 28/12/2018 20:37

I meant the threat was they could take their cases and go! Actually it may only apply to the 14yo if she's the instigator of the pain.

Zofloramummy · 28/12/2018 20:45

I have a much younger dd, she is a mess monster and I’m forever picking up after her. She is also an only so wants lots of my attention. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. I naturally need some space and quiet and I don’t get any as a LP. I can barely have a telephone conversation without hearing “mummy!!!!” shouted for a drink, sit with her while she has a poo Hmm, find the remote, can she have a drink. I’m exhausted constantly. I feel so sorry for you having the extra stress of arguments. It hard work this parenting shit.

DontFindYourselfInMe · 28/12/2018 21:00

OP my children are the same ages as you. DS 15 and DD9. My DD is tiring as she is very needy and chatty. My DS is argumentative with her over the most idiotic things. I get really fucking annoyed by the arguments too. I mostly yell at the teen as I feel he should have more maturity by now and stop arguing over the things DD says, as most times she says things that I would expect DS to just roll his eyes at, not shout back terrible things like I wish you were never born.
I feel for you. It's exhausting and I will often cry in front of them if they've been especially bad with the arguments. So they can see the consequences their behaviour has on me.
Hope they wisen up soon for you soon OP.

Original poster
BarbiePincers · 29/12/2018 06:40

Yes. I also get really angry with the eldest. Because they SHOULD know better, shouldn't they. I mean, i know dd1 does know better, because i see how she has learnt to navigate her friendships. And she is brilliant at that. She is kind and fair, diplomatic, has integrity and gracecetc. But with her sister, it's like a sport for her and she gets this idiotic grin on her face. Like she is really fucking clever for baiting a 9 year old for.

My youngest is a nightmare tbh. She is one of the most difficult kids I have ever met. She doesnt compromise over anything. She wants her own way ALL the time. She doesnt care about things that we also want or even have to do and she still tantrums like a toddler, multiple times a day. Anyone would think she is terribly spoilt, but its actually rooted in anxiety. So that makes it hard in itself, because she needs the love/reassurance, no matter what her behaviour is. I'm not a psychologist and i have no fucking idea if I'mdoing this right or messing her up for life

The language the pair of them use is really upsetting. I'm awake now, dreading another day of it.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 29/12/2018 08:41

*My youngest is a nightmare tbh. She is one of the most difficult kids I have ever met. She doesnt compromise over anything. She wants her own way ALL the time

She sounds like my 9 year old.
I’ve been reading “Mercury’s child” for the second time- it’s very good and helps me to handle my children.
Being firm, fair, having consequences in mind (before I tackle any situation) and not giving long winded explanations (which makes the child feel they can change your mind) really helps.

I would introduce behaviour charts but in a more positive way. Ie they can earn credits for good behaviour but be clear what that behaviour is and what the reward is

It also sounds like you’re being more positive about the eldest than the youngest. 9 is so very much younger than 15.

It’s also worth reading siblings without rivalry. The basic premise is that you never ever take sides, even when you think one is at fault - chances are you’ve missed something. I take that approach with my two - I always listen to both sides of the story even if I think one of them should know better. It helps me and they feel listened to.

Original poster
BarbiePincers · 29/12/2018 10:00

I will look at both of those books, thanks believe. The short answers really resonates and is something I could try. I've always been a believer of explaining. That worked really well with dd1 when she was younger, because she was reasonable. But dd2 doesnt care about reasons. At all. Unfortunately, she also doesnt care about rewards, consequences or punishments. She is very focused and the only thing of any importance to her at a given time, is the thing she is arguing about

I probably sound more positive about the eldest because its the truth! Even aged 9, 5, 3...She has always been easy going, reasonable etc.

That said, i mostly dont get involved taking sides etc. Mainly because it would be a full time job. It is relentless. I'm not refereeing that shit. If i do step in, i usually fall in defence of dd2, because dd1 is older/should know better etc. Other than that, they lie, antagonize, hurt, swear as much as each other

SadSadSad

Can't wait to go back to work

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 29/12/2018 17:11

Yes I was a believer in explaining - but the book pointed out that by explaining too much, what you’re actually doing is trying to persuade and convince them to agree with you.

That really struck a chord with me Grin as yes, I wanted my dcs to do as I say because it was the sensible option. This doesn’t give them room to disagree.

So now I take the view that they will disagree at times but that’s tough, I’m the adult and yes I’ll explain but keep it brief.

It works, it really does.

In terms of siblings arguing - we have basic ground rules about name calling, swearing and hitting. These are non-negotiable and will get punished in our house. But I’ll still listen to both sides - it’s not about being a referee as such but it’s just pointing out to both of them how they could behave better.

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