Brother living with us

[wanderingcloud]

My brother turned 30 last summer. He's single and has never had a relationship (that we know of).

Shortly before his birthday, he lost his job and was asked to move out his rented accommodation in the space of a week.

At the time we were paying exorbitant costs in wraparound childcare as I returned to full time work in January.

So we offered him a solution; move into our spare room and take care of the kids before and after school, we'd pay him for this and cover his expenses, his car costs etc.

I'm perfectly happy with the situation as it is on one level, it's great for us that we have him around and the kids love him.

But my brother literally stays in his bedroom most of the time and rarely if ever leaves or goes out. We try to encourage him to eat with us and join in family life but he's reluctant to. (Fussy eater and always has been!)

I worry he's becoming more and more socially isolated and reclusive because we're enabling him.

It's just me and my two brothers so I feel a great deal of responsibility to help him out.

My question is should we just keep the situation as it is or should I try and push him to get a regular job and his own place again?

I think he needs to get a job. Whilst this arrangement suits you now he's wallowing in his room. What happens when your kids no longer need looking after? Are you just going to expect him to find a job and move along once he is of no use? At that point he wouldn't have been in employment for some time and that won't help his job search or his wellbeing.

Are there any other underlying MH/Sen issues at play? It sounds like he needs to work to be around people.

That is my exact fear Scrumptious. If he has any SEN or MH issues he keeps it very well hidden.

When he does socialise; he's very confident and funny. I do think he is an introvert though, he definitely prefers his own company.

He's done things like go to the kids Nativity this year as OH and couldn't take time off work and has cared for the youngest when he was sick. Which really helps us out and the last thing I'd want is for him to feel like we didn't want him here.

Also, I'd genuinely have no problems with him living with us forever! He's a pretty ideal person to live with since we are very similar and have always got along well.

Though it may suit you and him for now, he's essentially given up his independent life in exchange for looking after your kids for a few hours a day.

Working (looking after the kids) for just a couple of hours a day isn't going to do the self esteem or mental health of an otherwise healthy, childless 30 yr old much good.

The longer he is out of paid employment, the harder it will be to explain the break and the harder it will be to find the motivation to get back out there. By all means keep living with you if that suits you both but he really needs to be finding full-time work to keep his own life going and not be dependent on you.

As an introvert I would find the before/after school care of the kids enough social stimulation for the day!!

When i lived in a house share when I was younger I was happy being in my room with the tv and internet, playing games, chatting to friends online etc. I wasn't at all sad or depressed at spending most of my non-work time there.

Does he go out when you're at work during the day? Does he exercise/get fresh air?

By all means ask him outright if he's like a different arrangement, and you do have a point about isolation with his work being in the house so he doesn't get out as much.

I worry about him being out of work in terms of his plans for the future. He was an engineer at one company for over 10 years but he never enjoyed his job. I think he's lost career wise. He's very musically inclined but he has never wanted to persue this. I think he doesn't know what he wants to do which doesn't help. Part of the original plan was that he could look for work in the daytime but he doesn't seem to have done this. I don't know how to suggest he looks for a job without it coming across as is not wanting him here.