How did you decided to tell someone you loved them?

[Fantail]

Just that really.

Have been dating a lovely, lovely man for 6 months. I’m certain I love him. But I haven’t told him.

We have a lot of niche interests in common, we both respect each other’s space.

He’s never married, no kids and is 49. I have been divorced for 3 years, one child. Child and DBF have never met. But she knows about him and I talk freely about her with him.

Here’s where it gets complicated and maybe I was a fool to get in too deep. He told me that he views himself as a confirmed bachelor.

Myself, my marriage ended because of depression which manifested itself in some really self-destructive behaviour. My depression is now behind me as it is was partially a symptom of an undiagnosed condition. I also handle stress a lot better. But I feel that having this past, plus a child (and the inability to have anymore), makes me hard to love once this is all disclosed.

A while ago my cousellor said that in a relationship you have to be vulnerable with each other, and this is playing on my mind too.

What do you think?

What do you mean confirmed bachelor?

Has he told you that your relationship will never go further?

I have never decided . I knew I loved dp, for a while before I told him. One night it just felt right.

He said that about a month after we first met. I took that to mean that it wouldn’t last at all.

He went travelling for 5 weeks and came back saying he missed me.

I guess comfirmed bachelor meaning that he can’t see himself in a relationship that works long-term.

I thought "confirmed bachelor" was (very) old-fashioned code for gay. Ah well. You learn something every day.

Do you know what you want from the relationship?

What he wants might have changed in the last 5 months.

I've just said the three words. Just like that. But they're powerful and I have never said it if I don't mean them.

In this situation I wouldn't be saying them. I'd be raising the issue of what "confirmed bachelor" means exactly and whether he sees the relationship continuing despite that. I would guard my heart and not say the I love you words now.

Being vulnerable is part of a healthy relationship, but done healthily! I'm pretty sure you'll find asking him about the relationship puts you in a vulnerable enough position. Saying I love you to someone who may think himself as a bachelor is too much of a jump. You're going to be really upset if he doesn't answer in the way you like about how he sees things. If you say you live him before knowing that it's likely you'd feel worse.

For me it's like a special gift. I don't want to share that piece of me with someone who may be on a totally different page. Once it's out, you can't get it back.

Be vulnerable, but gradually, carefully, taking care of yourself.

I would have the conversation about the confirmed bachelor thing first.

He has told you that. Unless he has actually told you different, that's what he is still saying.

Be on the same page regarding the relationship.

How would you feel of you told him and he backed right off? If you would be ok with that then just tell him. If not, establish the relationship and where it's going.

Good luck

Thank you, that’s all very, very good advice. I wish I had something simple.

I guess that I’m hoping that he’d want my love, I don’t expect him to immediately reciprocate, but I’m hoping he won’t back off, which I worry might be his natural inclination.

I do really need to have this talk.

I accidentally said "That's why I love you" to my then gf when we were taking about something stupid.
I realised what I'd said then said "I do love you".

SexNotJenga
I was about to say the same as you but you beat me to it.
A confirmed bachelor is an euphism for being gay.
Maybe you should point that out to him if he is going round telling people that's what he is!