Feel like I have lost my children

[OuchyMe]

Help. I don't know how to engage with my 2 DSs any more. They are 12 and 14 and just want to be on the pc or on their phones. Well, younger boy will go out with mates a bit but when at home its just screens. If I insist on no screen time it's painful. They argue with me, bicker with each other, and then go off in a huff to the sweet shop to buy shite to eat. I get that they enjoy pc games, and that they socialise that way too (online games with mates etc) and of course my parents frowned at me for listening to too much pop music etc so each generation has it's bug bears...but I miss them. And when they do switch off it's like none of us knows what to do anymore Help!!

Set some boundaries.
Eat dinner at the table with no phones.
One evening a week or a month have an hour or two where you play board games or watch a film to wither, in screens.
Screens off until 10am at weekends and after 8pm.
Any boundaries you choose really

Together, no screens

Mine are 11 and 13 and I have already had boundaries in place which makes things easier , but when I am getting a stinking attitude I tell them they will lose their screen time if they can't function properly without it. I just told them all we are watching a film tonight and the 13 year old wants to play his Xbox , so I told him he could have some time tomorrow as we are staying in. I know it's painful when they are moping and getting on your nerves it's easier to tell them to bugger off and play so maybe let them take it in turns to pick something for you all to do together, like movie, board game?

Mine has just told me he hates his life as I won’t give him more money to spend on his Xbox (which he’s spent all day playing) this after a bloody fortune was spent on Christmas presents. I have failed big time with him.

I find setting out a load of treats (fizzy drinks, popcorn, pringles) and setting a DVD they won't mind going and saying anyone who wants the treats has to watch the DVD with me works very well.
They come in slightly humph and then start enjoying it. By the end we're talking nicely, and then if I want to suggest something else they quite like that. Going out to McDs or getting a takeaway goes down well.
Then the next time they're keener!

Eating all meals together is a big one. Also try and keep gadgets in the family area so, although its a bit uncomfortable for you, they are not in their rooms cut off. Insist on down time for games. They will huff and puff but just calmly say any argument and your game time will be postponed by 5 mins for each whine. But do give them warning.
Try to have chats even for a few minutes. Ask them for advise. I used to ask them what my dsis should do with their younger dc. Anything that makes them feel involved.
But they will be changing over the next while so make sure you are busy yourself and not depending on them for company.

Have a chat with them and tell them that you’re setting new rules.
Limit their screen time. Ask them what they think is reasonable and negotiate. That way they’ll feel they have some control and input.
Definitely no screens at mealtimes.
Arrange regular game free things for them to do as a family. Ask them.
Films? Bike rides? Any other activities?
Get them to do chores too.

I found a list on Pinterest that I printed off. It was something along the lines of holiday rules for screen time and a list of things to do before screen time was allowed. Things like make your bed, do some chores, do some reading etc.
I printed it off and pinned it to their wall and they’ve mostly adhered to it.

It is painful while they try to adjust but constantly gaming isn’t doing their mental health or physical health any good.

Have to look for something like that on Pinterest! I am crap sometimes in that it takes more energy from me to do reading with them or build Lego or play a game - and often that’s more energy than I have after a day at work. But I need to build it in somehow. Maybe even play the video games with them, if that’s not too uncool!

I have teenage sons. They are hugely into gaming and online stuff.

I have a strict no devices in the dining room policy. I cook nice food for them. I expect them to stay at the table until everyone-has finished. If they leave, their dessert is up for grabs!

We have breakfast together at the weekend. This translates as brunch, usually pancakes and bacon. I bought a Von Chef teppanyaki hot plate and I give each child a jug of batter. The long hot plate sits down the centre of the table and they all cook their own.

This means
I'm not cooking for an hour to watch them bolt food and run.
They get to cook their own
I get to participate
it takes about 30 mins and it's a nice relaxed activity.

We've even done pottery painting and they have personalised their own jugs for the batter!

The other thing we did is get a Nintendo Switch and mario family games. They can all be persuaded to join in.

I do shared Pinterest with silly things they can add to.

We go to the cinema as a family a few times a. Month (cheap independent cinema)

We often do ice cream out with a walk tagged on. Most can be persuaded to join but usually not all.

The other thing we have found is that we tell them what we are doing and nothing more. Often if the are not included in the plan they feel left out and will ask to join us.

It's definitely harder work. The thing I find most odd is that they don't want to physically see their friends. Because if they see them they can't play online with them, as often the friends computer is not transportable.

The other thing we do is use the Mesh google WiFi. This allows you to identify every IP address in the house and turn off and on WiFi to each device individually.

Would it work to be honest and say you miss spending time with them as their mum? Maybe they might make more of an effort if they realise you’re hurt.

Thanks, it does help to know others have the same struggles! Will definitely try many of these ideas. Deep breath..!

My dd doesn’t actually say she hates us ( wouldn’t dare) but if she says anything similar or huffs around because we dare to exist I alsways reply with “love you too”
No screens at the table and a basic level of mutual respect are completely non negotiable. Luckily she’s more whiny than stroppy but I expect DS will be a door slammer when he hits the teen years which will be interesting
I agree though OP, it does feel like you have “lost” your babies when they start to grow up but the hope is that they will come back to you

I love that all these basically say feed them, which is how my MIL kept her sons focussed and i'm finding that meal times and bike rides are our main family times now

I like the sound of the hot plate.

Grasspigeons I noticed that!! Films and food are my mainstays as it happens, was worried it amounted to bribery but seems most folks do it! What hurts though is that they seem to use that against me a lot these days - arguing over the film, deciding they dont really fancy pizza after all, or generally picking holes in everything I have organised. Whole other story there tho - it's the sort of thing XDH used to do...