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Original poster

Anybody else have a sulky tween?

42 replies

PrinceCaspian12 · 25/12/2018 20:59

Please tell me it gets better! DS11 has always been a handful but now he's turning into a hormonal nightmare. Every day he sulks, has sarcastic answers to everything, is obnoxious to his younger siblings, bursts into tears when I won't do as he wants, doesn't want to to anything unless it involves me driving him somewhere and spending money on him. All he wants to do is sit on a screen or talk at us about what he wants to buy next. Not that he has any money, he just relentlessly badgers DH until he gives in and buys it.

I'm at a loss of what to do, we've signed him up to sports clubs and extra curricula activities, every single time he will "injure" himself and get subbed off. His mate's are all useless, none of them want to do anything other than come over and play on their devices - they're not even playing the same game! Just come round to use the wifi really . I don't want to spend the next 8 years dealing with this behaviour, how do I nip it in the bud?? People who have been here before, what did you do?

OP posts:

ChoudeBruxelles · 26/12/2018 12:49

Does he have pocket money? That has stopped the badgering for money in general. He gets £20 a month and can earn extra money by doing jobs like cleaning the car, cleaning windows, hoovering etc.

I wouldn’t ban screen time but I would make it a condition of other things like you can go on it after you’ve been for a walk with us or something.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 26/12/2018 12:50

And talk to him. Side by side conversations are best (driving or walking) and be prepared for the information to be revealed excruciatingly slowly. My ds is going through something just now and I'm nowhere near getting to the bottom of it. We chat, he drops something in, I jump on it, he says 'I don't want to talk about this' and then walks away! Aaaargh!

Finally, remember you are doing your best. This is a tough stage and you are clearly a good parent - you've set yourself up to get through this phase really well, it's just it's a tough phase!

mummmy2017 · 26/12/2018 12:52

Check no one is bullying him..

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Original poster

PrinceCaspian12 · 26/12/2018 17:21

Thank you for replying Lonny, I'll make more time for him, I know several times I've felt like he might have been about to open up, then we've been interrupted by younger siblings. Which must be very frustrating.

With regards to pocket money, would that ve a privilege that would be removed for bad behaviour? I honestly can't see him speaking nicely long enough to get it! I don't want to say he will get pocket money, just to withhold it each week due to bad behaviour.

OP posts:

theluckiest · 26/12/2018 18:55

Oh I have one of these too!!!

He started at secondary this year and has morphed into a moody, occasionally petulant Kevin the Teenager before our very eyes.

All of what has already been mentioned does help. It also helps to have something to aim for - there is a horribly expensive school trip that he needs to save towards next year. So chores & doing fundraising are helping him stay focussed and get off screens.

On a happier note, my absolute best bit of Christmas was when he came into the kitchen, gave me a massive hug and said 'I really love you, Mum.' Completely unprompted and without asking for anything.
I shall try to remember this when he's being hideous...

ChoudeBruxelles · 26/12/2018 18:55

Can’t he earn something each week for being nice/helping? Not necessarily money but it could be something to do together maybe? Or having friends over?

ChoudeBruxelles · 26/12/2018 18:58

Oh and my ds gets his pocket money for doing jobs/helping round the house/walking the dogs. I don’t link it to his behaviour. So long as he does his jobs he gets his pocket money. He does get reduced screen time if his attitude is shitty. My ultimate sanction at the moment is not letting him go to air cadets as it’s something he’s found which he really loves. Year 8 does seem easier than year 7 though.

SaucepanMan26 · 26/12/2018 19:03

No help as my 11yo ds is exactly the same atm. I lost it last week and told him he was being an obnoxious arsehole apologised after, as did he but hes being increasingly nasty to dd7 for no apparent reason other than because he feels like it drink helps....slightly

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 26/12/2018 22:25

My 13yo ds has improved! There is hope!
He’s played with ds5 with his Christmas presents today and seems genuinely excited with his own presents. I feel your pain, I had 3 years of (pre) teenage behaviour from age 10. No idea if anything I did made a difference or if he just outgrew it. Fwiw team sports didn’t suit him, but boxing and trampolining do. He’s developed an interest in coding too, and it’s a relief to see him spend time on non-gaming activities. I’ve limited screen time and enforced chores, but I’m not sure these helped. I think it’s just age and finding a passion for things.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 26/12/2018 22:27

Oh, and if you want a present recommendation for next year: bloxxels. Yes, it’s screen based, but he’s been building games with ds5, ds6 and dd11 and loved showing off his creations. And he’s been so proud of himself and happy. I love it.

Original poster

PrinceCaspian12 · 30/12/2018 02:28

I'm still awake I'm so upset with how things have gone. Earlier this evening our demon tween hurt our DD, she's only 6, I was out of the room for less than 1 minute and he whacked her so hard he left a hand print on her. He then stood there and lied to my face insisting that it wasn't him, glaring at her and telling her to shut up, before screaming "motherfucker" at me and stormed off to his room slamming every door behind him. I don't even know where to begin with this, I've confiscated all devices and said he won't be getting them back any time soon, but that just made him angrier!

I'm just not coping with this, he spends all day sat on his bottom or pacing around the house talking AT me, but refuses to go and do anything unless it involves me doing it for him. Meet friends at the park? Nope. Go for a bike ride? Nope. Will just badger for money to go the movies and eat junk but won't do anything that requires effort. Won't even jump on the trampoline unless I get on and bounce him!

I can deal with the sulking and moodiness (just) but the screaming abuse and hurting younger siblings I just can't tolerate. His dad is useless, just shrugs and says "I don't know". I'm at my wits end here, and I suspect its only going to get worse! What can I do?

OP posts:

Juanbablo · 30/12/2018 07:03

Oh yes, ds1 is 11 and can have some truly hideous moments. When his behaviour is bad and it doesn't improve when told then privileges are removed. No PS4, no phone, no friends over. He has ADHD so doesn't always understand that actions have consequences but it's still important to me to teach him this consistently. I do try and be understanding that some of this behaviour is hormone driven and he's not totally in control of it and talk through it with him. It's a minefield!

Original poster

PrinceCaspian12 · 30/12/2018 07:35

How long do you remove privileges for? I want to confiscate all devices for a week but DH thinks that's too harsh as that's how he keeps in touch with friends, so it should only be for a night, but I think that's far too lenient considering he left a hand print on a small child!

OP posts:

OliviaStabler · 30/12/2018 07:49

Not that he has any money, he just relentlessly badgers DH until he gives in and buys it.

I want to confiscate all devices for a week but DH thinks that's too harsh as that's how he keeps in touch with friends, so it should only be for a night

That's one of your issues right there. Your dh is far too lenient.

Original poster

PrinceCaspian12 · 30/12/2018 08:04

I know he's far to lenient! But he says he got away with all sorts when he was a kid and he turned out all right. But he was an only child! He could be as revolting as he wanted, but we have more than one child and its certainly not fair on the others having to put up with this.

OP posts:

OliviaStabler · 30/12/2018 08:09

Sounds like your dh is making excuses. He just doesn't want the hassle of applying tough love. Your ds knows this and is exploiting it.

Can you over ride your dh? If he gives something back can you take it away again?

BatCakes · 30/12/2018 09:24

My youngest is 12 (just turned) and he's generally ok. Extremely well behaved and diligent at school and on the whole a funny, loving boy at home. We do have some moments though and I've learnt to recognise triggers and head them off at the pass: the upshot of this has been we can go months and months with total harmony.

I'd return his devices and not use the removal of them as a punishment. I know this isn't a popular view on Mumsnet but it's my view. They use their tech to play with their friends and it's really important to them. So I wouldn't 'raise stakes' by taking them away unless the tantrum/ bad behaviour is directly linked to the gaming. Otherwise all you do is make it that they feel they have nothing to lose. Bad behaviour I'd generally ignore and discuss when calmer.

Does he want to spend time with you? Would he go for a walk with you? Cinema? Trampolining park together? Could this help at all - I know it's you having to do stuff with him but it sounds like it could possibly help

My line in the sand would be calling me a mother fucker and hitting his sister. That's completely unacceptable and needs to be nipped in the bud now. Your husband needs to step up here alongside you. Where is his fury at his 11 year old screaming that at you? It's simply not good enough for him to just meekly say ' I don't know'

I don't know what the answer is to all this. If it was me I'd return the tech, I'd chat with him about a fresh start and a clean slate. I'd try and stop the bad behaviour before it starts and I'd step up my time spent with just him

I'm basing the above on how my own child is though and what I know he would respond to so I know it's not a miracle solution or anything - merely what I'd do

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