Clingy elderly ex neighbour

[torij89]

Looking for a bit of advice in regards to an ex neighbour that is elderly, she's attached herself to me and it's becoming really quite tedious as I have my own life to lead and an autistic child to raise.

The lady has been phoning me constantly in tears expecting me to go round as I feel the tears are put on to make me feel sorry for her. Of late she has become dittery confused and really quite forgetful and is forgetting that I've been to see her and is forgetting that she's told me the same story countless times.

She does have two sons but both are living a good distance away and don't make a point of physically checking on her. They seem all to good at allowing her to attach her self to seemingly innocent people. All of whom have now distanced them selfs from her. I feel that I have now got to do the same thing.

On Sunday just past (23rd December) she again phoned in hysterics saying there was nothing wrong then said that she lost her hospital appointment letter and that her son wanted me to go round so he could speak to me on her phone in regards to this appointment. Then the following day I met her on the bus and she was fine and struggled to remember that she had me round the night before when she was crying her heart out

Here I feel really quite used, and really want nothing to do with her. I am a caring person and will quite happily help where due, but I just can't help but feel that the lady and her family are becoming somewhat needy and dependable on me as there have been quite a few similar situations as this in recent weeks.

I also had her phone me today of all days (Christmas day) whilst spending time with family, she had left (unaware to her) a message on my answer phone which had caught her talking to her self - she seemed quite peeved off that I never answered her.

I don't want to just stop talking her abruptly as this will only upset her and hurt her feelings which I really don't want to do but I have tried to explain several times that as much as I will help when I can - I can't just keep dropping everything for her when she "feels" like it.

I do feel that she has gone down hill mentally and was glad to find out that the lost appointment letter was to do with her mental health, I know she's been ordered to bring her son with her which I'm relieved about.

What I'm saying I suppose is how on gods earth do I let her down gently without causing animosity. Do I wait for the sons to phone to see why I've stopped going round?

She sounds like she is developing dementia. Call the Admiral nurses and Alzheimers uk. They can potentially take over some of the role you are playing.

I think you should talk to the son, give him an insight into her quite rapid deterioration, and explain to him, that you already have your hands full and can’t be there for her.
Be absolutely clear & firm with him. He & his brother need to put some support in place immediately.

You need to speak to her family.

And take an empathy pill but that's another story.

Poor woman. (Not you)

Do you have contact details for her sons? Or failing that do you know who her gp is?

Adult social services could also be a good contact point, highlighting her deteriorating mental well-being and lack of support by her sons. This may give them the kick up the arse they need to support their mum. As the child of a parent with dementia I can only feel pity for this poor lady, she must be frightened and confused a lot of the time.

I'm with Jenny and not with BookMe - I suspect her sons are finding their mum pretty demanding and are all too happy to find someone else to carry some of the load. Can you decide what you are happy to do, if anything, and just do that? eg visit week/take her to hospital appointments/whatever? and anything else just say No to her.

If you think she is at risk of harm then call Safeguarding - your local borough/county council website will have info on how to do this, it's very accessible.

Jennyonaplate I know very little other than the stories she repeatedly tells me, she also refuses to consult a gp she also refuses to consider assistance from professionals (ie carers like me - that's how I've been finding it increasingly tedious with her as she's taking me away from my job as well as family- also I do have empathy and the patience to deal with these situations but I'm near the end of my tether as I feel I'm spread out a bit too thinly) I do agree that it is her sons place to be looking after and not mine but I just can't help but feel that their taking liberties with my caring nature. I hope I don't come across as cold and heartless as I'm anything but, but I do feel I need to stand back from the lady and any advice on how to handle the situation is much appreciated and you have all so far gave me some really good pointers to consider and thank you for that

Poor you qnd poor woman, you can speak to her sons and say you are concerned about her but can no longer offer your support. If you find a hospital letter it may say who her g.p. is who you can ring wnd tell them what you've told us, you can also ring adult social services safeguarding team and they will need to investigate. If she is alone today and you feel she is unable to cope and is unsafe, call her son or 111. Social services may also have an emergency duty social worker.

You cannot get yourself out of this witout causing upset, so you need to face that
You also need to remember that it is not your fault that she is elderly and confused.
You need to abrupt. Do not be available when You don't want to be.say you can't speak now/help now. You have more than enough to cope with.

The thing is she will be saying to her sons that you are lovely and helpful. Her sons think phew, she has a good friend looking out for her.

The sons will be seeing it and not knowing what to do. You need to explain in a kind way to the sons (not her) that you cannot support their dm any more as you are finding that she is becoming too confused and needs more support than you can provide. Explain that you will be changing phone number (for non connected reasons) and wont be giving their dm your number.

It's sad but you are not the right person to be supporting this poor lady.

I think you need to contact her son(s) and let them know that their Mum is getting more and more confused and the time has come fro her to need support either from them or from professionals, or both.
Explain that - like any good neighbour - you are happy to do what you can in an emergency, or on an occasionally basis but you are not able to be supporting her on a daily basis, and you are not is a position to drop everything and g round and help her when you have your own dd you are caring for on top of work and everything else.
Often, dc who don't live with older parents are not aware of how much support they increasingly need.

You need to talk to her sons about the situation. For a start you have the needs of your family to think of which are your priority.
You're not her neighbour anymore, you're not just nipping in next door to see her - you're having to make a specific journey to do so.
I agree with others, it sounds like she might be going down with dementia which must be very confusing for her. She needs a health assessment to find out exactly what is happening to her - something that her family need to arrange.
It's time for her family to step up to the mark. Yes it's difficult dealing with elderly family when you live far away but you find people do it all the time. If you rely on the kindness of neighbours to deal with your family problems, that kindness will run out eventually.

A friend lived in the same block of flats as an old lady who basically latched onto him. Her family were delighted as it meant they didn't have to do anything. He actually wanted to move closer to his work but didn't feel her could leave her.
He was calling her family but as far as they were concerned they had a care plan in place - him.
It was only when he went on holiday for 3wks and the old lady started to phone her children constantly that they realised how much he'd been doing. A care plan was put in place, he was able to move and not feel guilty about it and he still visits her every couple of weeks for a chat and a cuppa.

Hi folks, thanks all for replying, as I don't unfortunately have contact details for the sons, I have decided to send an understanding letter to the adult services team explaining my request for help and my dilemma for not being able to be there for her myself, I know it's for the best but I just feel bad for turning her down, you are all right though, it is up to her sons to look after her - not me. Once letter is sent I hope to get a letter in reply to mine acknowledging it's arrival and reassuring that they will do what they can to put a care plan into place for her. They obviously won't be able to confirm much more than this because of confidentiality regulations. Should I receive more information than this then I shall share on this thread to what the outcome is.

It has also had me thinking about my own career plan, as I'm generally in the care profession already, I have been inspired by this experience to become a nurse specialise in dementia care.

Adult services will be unlikely to tell you outcome but your information will form part of picture if she is referred to them. First they'd expect mental health team to assess and do their bit, as Ex-NDN is distressed and confused.

Make sure your letter contains a list or her behaviours, that she calls you frequently and in a distressed state. Her memory is worse and describe how. Definitely send a copy of that letter also to her GP surgery and cc the memory clinic she has an appointment at.

Now, ... how you cope with all her calls is really up to you.

If you don't want to go round or have so many intrusive calls (or to be her informal carer which is role you're taking on), then I'd suggest you get call screener and ignore her calls when you are busy, just don't pick up. She'll ring someone else, eg one of her sons or go round to another neighbour, when she doesn't get an answer from you.

Also you don't have to go round straight away, if you do pick up, even if she's upset and it's ok to say "No, I can't, I'll ring you next week. Why don't you call your son?"

She needs an assessment and support, as it will be awful for her to feel so distressed and confused.
Whilst it'd be lovely for you to be there for your ExNDN in her time of need, you don't have to & I get the impression you don't want to as you have other responsibilities, you can draw boundaries on what you are able to help her with.

Oftobedhampdon it's not that I don't want to I do feel called to help other people in life, but as previously stated I've got my own issues and life commitments that restricting my time to help this lady, hence why I'm putting the letter to adult social services, I would have went to her gp but she doesn't give me that kind of information, she is always sketchy with information and I do think it's because she can't remember as she always goes to tell me about her health and ends up talking about her sons and her late husband, I think a large part of it is that she is lonely as her sons and grandchildren don't bother much with her. I can't get access to her phone book for her sons phone numbers as she always walks around the house with it when I'm in so that one is out the window. I feel that going to ss is my only option especially to give the family a wake up call as such as I seem to be one very few very limited amount of people willing to help help her now. The lady who takes her to church has now stopped doing that as the lady has became a "burden" to her too.

Again thank you all for your sharing information it has been very helpful

@Torij89. I understand. But just to clarify for you, it's the GP that needs to hear the change in her behaviour, moods and memory. Can you ask her GP's name? Or be crafty and say "I never liked Dr so & so, he's retired now, did you?" .. which might help you work out which is her local GP surgery (you can Google GPs).

Adult services may not even be able to take a referral from your letter nor share information with GP in those circumstances. It's unlikely they'd contact her family If she has capacity and refuses ASD involvement. And you can't give them her sons details anyway, so unless they already have a file, they won't know her son's details either.

ASD can only share information under very specific circumstances.
If client says no to ASD contact/seeing a social worker, any enquiries end there before they get foot in door, unless a mental health team, GP or family advise of a significant cognitive impairment which is causing a lack of capacity to consent or there are some very high risks observed.

The situation you describe indicates more that she needs to see the older person's mental health (OPMH) team to assess her memory and her moods. If it later transpires that she has eligible needs under The Care Act 2014 too, or/and issues around her capacity to consent/, OPMH would refer her to ASD.