to all who've suffered losses.
Makes me feel a bit of a fraud in my loneliness to be honest as its somewhat self imposed.
I'm a Lp there's just me and dd. I'm also suffering a prolonged bout of agoraphobia and haven't left home in over a year (seriously thinking like fuck am I not sorting it in new year but I'm struggling to get the right support).
I'm living back in my parents home town - which I hate - which I didn't grow up in.
The irony is (you'll get why in a bit) I was persuaded to move here cos "your family are here we'll support you" instead they've mainly added to my stress.
I'm nc with my sister, bro lives down south and never comes up this time of year (supposedly as he's a police officer and can't get a decent amount of time off but I suspect - and totally understand why - it's because we have pretty shitty memories of our drunk dad wrecking Christmas), I'm vlc with our parents anyway, have struggled to make friends here, it's a small town with little migration effect and people tend to stick to family or friends they've known since nursery! They're nice enough to me but I'm very much seen as an "outsider" when it comes to the crunch.
I used to think my family were lovely and close (extended family) but since I became mentally ill and a "single mum benefit scrounger" several relatives massively keep their distance - these are people I was incredibly close to through my childhood and teens even into 20's and I don't even get a card from now. Basically they don't really believe mental illness is a real "thing" and I'm just "dole bludging". They're almost as sceptical of my physical - but invisible - disability too. It makes me equally sad and angry
The friends I'm closest to are a combination of other end of country and elsewhere in Europe. I miss them SO SO much.
So... Basically it's just me and dd tomorrow, dd is out with friends tonight she's almost 18 and understandably doesn't wanna be stuck in with her boring old mum. We act like it suits us to have a quiet Christmas just the 2 of us but it's difficult.
In addition this year dd heard from her dad for first time in several years and I really hoped he might have seen seen the error of his ways to a degree and be making more effort - but nope! Not even a card for her! Git!!!
So tomorrow I will plaster a smile on, give dd her gifts, we'll try and find crappy tv/films we both wanna watch, I'll cook dinner and we'll both just probably be relieved when it's over!
I feel like I've massively let dd down, by moving here, by not being able to get well, by choosing a shitty father for her (though there was no indication he'd be a shitty father she was very much planned and he was a lovely dad until we split), by not making my relatives at least treat her better...
Like I said bit of a fraud for this thread but still lonely and sad.