I don’t know how to get through to my friend.

[Afternooninthepark]

I have a lovely, lovely friend, she is kind and extremely generous.
However, every Christmas she gives me and my family a massive bag of presents.
I don’t have much money to spend on lots of extra presents for friends etc and I suggest to my friend every year that we either cut out the present buying (am just happy to spend time with her and her family) or just a small token gift as she spends the whole year complaining that she is skint and I know she can not afford to buy lots of extra gifts (she buys lots of gifts for all of her friends).
But my suggestion falls on deaf ears! She has just popped round with a huge box of gifts and I had genuinely thought she wasn’t going to do it this year as she has been so short of money.
She has no idea that it makes me feel mean and inadequate and I now feel that I’m going to have to battle the shops to get her and her family something as I feel so bad I had nothing to hand over.
It ridiculous as many of the gifts are things we don’t want or will use, it’s a waste of her hard earned money.
How do I get through to her?

I got sick of spending all my money on gifts for everyone, I just sent a text saying I'm not doing gifts anymore. Was easy.

I would sit her down & be completely honest with her and really try to just hit it home to her how it makes you feel.

You have to resist reciprocating. Maybe say I've stopped buying pressies but I would love to take you out for a coffee in the New Year. You can use Martin Lewis as an excuse (he did a bit on how to have the conversation about present buying).

I know, I’m going to have to be more forceful for next year, try to get my request through to her.. I have a pile of things to do today but am feeling itchy that I should get to the shop and buy her something, dh says I shouldn’t do it, just thank her and do no more but it’s making me feel anxious!

I know someone like this (not well enough to receive loads of presents from, luckily!).

I think (in my friend's case) it may stem from insecurity, as well as just being bad at managing her money.

As others have said, make it clear all year long that you've decided to buy presents only for close family, and encourage her to do the same., without making it personal - she may be hurt to think you don't appreciate all the effort she puts into buying for you.

I have a friend who does this, she goes extravagant on gifts but then worry about money. She is Chinese and I have since learnt it is to with her culture/family upbringing about spending alot/going all out with presents and have learnt to just accept that is her choice and I shouldn't put myself in financial difficult to try and spent similar amount! Just say thank you and show you appreciate and say I'm sorry I can't get you more. If she is a good friend she will understand.

Thanks all. I do think maybe it’s something to do with her childhood, her parents are alcoholics and I don’t think she had much growning up and I know giving gifts gives her pleasure but many of these gifts are things we are never going to use, it’s such a waste, I’ll end up giving them to charity. I, myself suffer from anxiety and this just makes me feel so bad, it’s turning into a bit of an argument between dh and I as I really want to go and get a few bits, I know I mustn’t, I’ve got to break the cycle but I feel such an old scrooge!

Oh dear. But - she ignored you OP. She didn’t want to hear you. You don’t have to be controlled by that.

Breathe and let it go. It's her issue not yours. Enjoy your family time. Christmas shouldn't be so materialistic.

Don't go out today unless you are seeing her tomorrow. If you really feel the need to get her something sales start boxing day. You can save some money that way.
You can order stuff in boots now in the sale so you know it's there available

How are you OP?

I know I’m a mug but I did rush out and purchased a load of ‘goodies’ for them. Dh is a bit peeved that I did that, says I should have stuck to my guns but it leaves me feeling so anxious! I’ve decided to say to her that this was the last year I’m buying gifts and if she still continues then that’s up to her. I really wish she wouldn’t do it as I’ve already given most of the gifts away to family as they weren’t to my taste, it ridiculous.

It's like an obsession with them. I don't know why they do it.

Did it make you less anxious?

curious I’ve got to stop it for next year. It did make me feel less anxious but then again I really can’t afford to buy extra presents so I’m just anxious about it in another way. Definitely this is the last year, I’ve got to end it.

Good you put your foot down.