When you have lots of stuff going on, do your defences go up?

[BroomHandledMouser]

I know it’s an odd thing to ask - but this year has been fucking awful.

In jan we lost my beautiful brave nana, my mum had a cancer scare, I had minor surgery on my cervix, the cat died, FIL diagnosed with vowel cancer and now my amazing grandad is in hospital having had a heart attack.

My mental health has taken a nosedive, and could do with some support. But I don’t want to tell people how much I’m struggling. I’ve told a couple of friends and they haven’t asked how things are.

So now I think I don’t want to update them/tell them because they don’t give a shit anyway.

I’m being a dick aren’t I? I just get the barriers up and keep them at arms length until I feel better again - but I know I could just do with someone giving a shit - does that make sense?!?

Bowel not vowel 🙄

That sounds like a tough time. I completely understand how you feel about your defences going up. I'm very similar. I struggle with my mental health and have had a tough couple of years. I find myself a bit stuck in the trap of being seen as 'the strong one' among family and friends, the person people turn to and offload onto, with no thought or how I am feeling or coping. So as a result I build huge defensive walls around myself to cope with how I'm feeling mentally. I know it's not healthy....

I'm so sorry your two friends haven't been supportive, but don't assume that no one else will. Hopefully you can find someone to listen and support you, just one person who gets it. Luckily I have one person, who I can have a mutual rant about life with. I hope you find someone. And I hope your FIL and grandad recover quickly and that 2019 is a better year for you.

Also, I find writing stuff down helpful. During a bad time this year I emailed the Samaritans, I wasn't suicidal but was very low. I just wanted to offload my thoughts, and emailing them was very helpful. They sent very supportive replies, and just helped me reflect on things. Just typing it all out felt like a great release, being able to say the things I can't say in real life.