Do you ever get over being sexually assaulted?

[Thisisit777]

You probably can. You just never forget?

In my case this is a crap time of year as the person who assaulted me comes home for Christmas. To my area. I hate it.

It changed the way I lived my life in the sense I can no longer go near where it happened and when I’m walking alone my heart beats a bit faster than before.
But I think in general for me, yes. I no longer think about it all the time. I get on with life without being a ‘survivor’
Everyone’s different but for me it doesn’t define me anymore.

Thanks for sharing - alas it is a journey to healing as you
say.

My experience has been that as time since it happened (stranger rape in college) increased I’ve been able to cope much better. There are stages that I went through, looking back I see them more clearly now.

I’m now vocal on the topic. I’m so proud of many of the people that have come forward with their stories in recent years. They have been so brave in court, interviews, books and so on. It gives me hope.

I suppose it depends what you mean by "get over".

I think there is definitely a cultural expectation that we should, and that if we don't we are "playing the victim", but in my view that's total bullshit.

I'm functional, and I'm good at pretending to be doing great, but I'm not over it and it is still wreaking destruction on my life. Despite my continuing best efforts.

It's different for everyone.

Based in my own experiences, I think it's easier to think you're "over it" or to appear like you're "over it" until something else difficult or traumatic happens, or if you find yourself having to deal with medical treatment. Then you rapidly discover you're a long fucking way from being okay, and next to nobody in the healthcare sector understands trauma and that just because you get through their painful, invasive, traumatic, distressing procedure and go home quietly does not fucking mean you won't be left broken in pieces for months afterwards. And telling your patients "you just have to deal with it" is not fucking okay.

Hm, I might be a bit angry.

Life tends to be permanently significantly different after a major physical trauma. It pisses me off that we are treated as weak or pathetic for facing the same consequences from major psychological trauma. The only people that narrative helps are the ones assaulting us.

30 years ago for me. Raped multiple times by a schoolteacher. Never reported. I’ve learnt to cope and move on with my life but I won’t lie it’s been very, very hard at times. It’s caused a lot of intimacy & trust issues over the years . The hardest part about Sexual assaults is the loneliness. It’s incredibly difficult to talk about it. As a result you just hold it all in and try your best to get through your difficult days. I never imagined how much my life would change because of it. I developed a chronic pain condition ( most likely as a result of the trauma) and that has turned my life upside down in so many ways. I’ve always felt I never fulfilled my potential as I was too busy just’ surviving ‘through my school years. Having said that, I’m beyond blessed to have gorgeous children and a good DH who has always been by my side. For that I’m very grateful. to all of us who have been through it.

My last experience was 20 years ago, and that's the one that's stayed with me the most (the others are very vague memories, only).

I'm not really sure what getting over would mean, exactly.

It definitely still can upset me when I think of it, or am reminded in some way. But with time, and talking about it (mostly in therapy, but also with DH and my closest friend), it's no longer a scary subject. I don't dread reminders. I don't usually have flashbacks, although I accept these might happen again if I get stressed. I occasionally have nightmares, but mostly I can shrug them off in the morning, and they don't follow me into my day.

To add to that, though, I still suffer with my mental health in various ways. I don't know how much of these are caused by the abuse, but I guess it affects you in many insiduous ways, especially when you're only young.

I think I've come to a place currently where I'm no longer searching to be healed or totally well, and increasingly notice that everyone is a little bit broken by life, one way or another. I'm just trying to get on as best as I can, I guess.

26 years ago. Unable to be alone with a man in any circumstance without triggering and freezing. I have PTSD and anxiety from this incident (and cPTSD, anxiety from others), with depression and self-harm a culmination of both. Unable to open my mouth at dentist, and avoid going. Flashbacks, never disclosed to anyone, DP knows but only that I was SA. Frequent panic attacks.

I was taken advantage of at 8 by a 13 year old boy and I never wanted him to be left alone with me as I knew he would put his hands on me and try to do things that adults do when kissing , luckily when he tried to make me perform a sex act I told my parents and I never saw I'm around again.
Luckily
I never thought about it as I was to ypung to understand. But as an adult I often think of him as I wonder if he went on to become a predator ......

I was raped 14 years ago. You never forget, I don’t think, but I’ve moved on. It doesn’t dominate my life anymore. I’m comfortable talking about it and I no longer dread the anniversary approaching. I guess I’ve learned to live with it.

Though saying that, it’s sometimes surprising the things that can make it all come flooding back. I can feel perfectly fine and then the smallest thing can topple me.

Generally though, I hardly think about it these days.

Oh and as a PP said, it has had lasting effects on my personality and the way I conduct myself, I think. Especially when it comes to sexual relationships and the way I form attachments with men. That’s had a lasting impact (although not in the way you’d expect- I found I became promiscuous and flirty afterwards. I think it was something to do with a desire to feel in control of my sexual activity)

This is a very good piece on feelings and stages following sexual assault.

thercc.org/get-support/after-an-assault/feelings-stages-following-sexual-assault/

It talks about shock, denial, guilt, fear, anger and finally acceptance.

I accept that it happened and it cannot be changed. I also did go through all those phases. Some multiple times maybe?

I reported the rape (stranger, in Ireland) and got support from the gardai but little in the way of practical help. I was glad I reported, because after a notice/alert was raised in the college several other people came forward too. It turns out there had been a series of attacks. I had just been first to report. Even though nothing happened the garda told me that somehow my reporting had reduced chances of another attack.

No, not getting over it but learning to live with it. I avoid situations where I am alone with men

I am totally triggered and will panic and literally lock myself in the toilet sobbing while I ring someone to come and rescue me if I am out and smell a certain popular aftershave.

He is dead now, after his death I went and danced on his grave, it brought me some relief.

I did try to report but cos I wasnt long out of a psych hospital admission, I wasnt taken seriously. @blankrightnow hugs to you as Gardai weren't much help to me on a practical level either. They advised me to keep seeing the psychiatrist.

Thanks for replying. I’m sorry so many of you have suffered too. I’m glad however that there has been some healing - I think I’m still in the pissed off stage. At myself mostly. I should have known better but I was as naive as they come.

For half my life I was raped and beaten weekly, all my adult life until the last year.
I’m numb most of the time because it’s how I survive, I hope that one day I’ll be able to feel something without feeling overwhelmed.

@Thisisit777 Obviously I don't know what happened to you, but I expect your comment "I should have known better but I was as naive as they come" will resonate will some of the posters on this thread.

These people are predators. They look for people isolated, alone, intoxicated, weaker than them, young, or whatever gives them an advantage.

You might think you were naive, but not knowing your story I'd expect you were behaving as any normal person would/could expect too (I was walking a few hundred yards from college to the local bank when attacked).

Can I ask whether you think porn use shaped your abusers mind - I think it did mine. Made him crave what he couldn’t have. I feel it contributed to the cost I paid at his hand. In some way. Certainly made him feel entitled I think. And made him see me less as a person and more as a vessel.

Yes and no. Hope your okay.
I don't think porn makes any difference, it's about power not sex with rape.
Very sad that it happens to anyone regardless of gender.

I think porn can implant ideas into an abusers mind. Depends on the porn but there is porn, easily accessible porn at that, that promote rape fantasies. Mine raped me, but also attempted to force me to give him a blowjob. He also ensured I was turned on and told me it was because I was "enjoying it all"...

Thisisit777, I'm fairly sure that porn is a factor in rape. People copy actions, what they see, etc. Obviously I don't know, but 50 years ago I'd expected most rape cases were PIV (that happened to me), today most of the rape cases one reads about involve PIV, anal, oral. Is that an influence of porn?

Feminism has established the message in many forums that rape is about control and power. That's a useful helpful message in many scenarios, but in research it's widely accepted that there are many motivations, including sex. I'd get flamed for this in the feminism section, and maybe here too? But read this

Rape is Not (Only) About Power; It’s (Also) About Sex

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201602/rape-is-not-only-about-power-it-s-also-about-sex

What do you think?

I'm 40yrs on and I still battle ptsd. I'm hoping to take my abuser to court soon.

I felt my rape as fuelled by his want for sex. Not power. I’ve been confused by that for years too.

I've got over being raped years ago. I simply refuse to let that person ruin my life, he is insignificant and rather pathetic and has paid the price for his actions.
My life is my own and must be lived to the full. I can't do that if I'm constantly allowing myself to go over it time and time again.
I went for counselling very early and really the incident didn't really affect me that much for some reason.
I chose to see that one off event as being less significant than being murdered or being say a battered wife over many years.
I think it very much depends on the kind of person that you are.