Is this a normal way to interact/was I in the wrong?

[dellacucina]

Background: MNers have identified my DH as being abusive but I don't even know what is normal anymore.

I was giving DD lunch while he installed a security camera in the sitting room. I felt an emergency tampon leak and asked if could come stay with DD for a minute. He responded with mild irritation, "OK".

I waited a minute or two and heard no movement. I said, probably sounding a bit irritated, "are you coming?"

He responded quite angrily that he was in the middle of something, he was COMING etc. He did come and watch DD but said it wasn't clear I wanted him right then and that I was nagging and mean

Was I wrong here? Are these kinds of interactions normal?

As a p.o. said the outside security camera sounds fine. It's the inside motion detector that sounds a bit iffy.
He will be able to track your every move, and that's not normal, cool, or ok.

I've seen your other threads. I think they're relevant here. You're shortly to get a new au pair are you not? Do you think these 'security measures' might be to do with this?

The interaction you describe is pretty normal, in my opinion. Tetchiness from both parties whilst in the middle of something. But you KNOW that he is capable of much more than tetchiness.

Ok, so this interaction is probably normal but maybe more grumpy than normal?

Yes, a new au pair is coming soon. I am sure this has nothing to do with it. He is worried because we are about to go on holiday and leave the house unattended

Well I would say that if he was up a ladder doing stuff then it would be not on the expect him to come immediately...depends on the definition of 'a minute or two'

The fact that you need to ask if you are being unreasonable when pressing DH to come and 'cover you' more quickly , indicates a lack of self esteem and a level of fear which is unusual

I'd see a counsellor if I were you

You sound very scared

This is not normal

He wasn't on a ladder

In isolation installing motion camera’s (we have them in our house and my husband certainly is not abusive) and being right in the middle of something and sounding irritated are certainly not signs he is unreasonable. Don’t know what your other threads say so it’s impossible to tell without more context. Tbf i’d have sounded irritated if interrupted unless you had said it was mega urgent

How old is dd? Could it be he thinks she doesn't need to be supervised?

I think if you get to a point in life where you are having to ask other women if your partner is being abusive and can't recognise the difference anymore then you need to really look at your relationship and know that it isn't ideal. I feel for you it's a sad situation OP.

I was being silly and confused about this point.

You sound like you have been told that you are silly and confused.

DD is two so it's not that!

He is generally very irritable and critical.

It's helpful to know this in itself is a normal interaction

The original interaction, he not realising you needed him immediately etc. is normal.

The idea of your husband saying you are nagging and mean after inquiring if he is coming once after the initial request is the part I'd be concerned about. He seemed to escalate things pretty quickly and doesn't sound like he has much patience or thought for you.

This sounds like the kind of exchange that could easily happen in our house. We also have CCTV and motion detectors for security. OH is neither abusive or controlling. Forming an opinion on this one post, I'd say it's not unusual or problematic.

I think you should have said you needed him urgently - I'd have come at the next convenient point if DP had asked if I had a moment and he hadn't said it was urgent.

But overall your relationship sounds bizarre and hard work at the very least; and that's much more of a concern then whether or not this was normal.

Normal.

You don’t tell him the reason so he had no need to think urgent.

He was a bit rude though.

Taken on its own as an example- no he wasn't unreasonable. He was half way through doing something, you asked him to come through. He said ok, but intended to finish the task he was doing. You wanted him there quicker, but didn't say that. However. If there is other examples which are not as easily explainable, and you feel he is acting inappropriately frequently towards you, you need to wither deal with it, or decide how you plan to proceed in the relationship.

That sort of conversation would be pretty normal in my house!

I think as a one-off, it would be a non issue. He sounds a bit grumpy to say you are nagging and mean, but clearly there is a bit of tension between the two of you.

The fact that you are posting on mn about it in order to get others views tells me that this may be more of a pattern of him being a bit of a cunt to you?

I don't know anything about the background of your relationship but having an external camera and internal motion sensor is nothing odd st all. We have the same and if we didn't, and crime was on the up, we'd be installing them.

The fact that he's convinced you you're oversensitive, told you off for nagging, is critical, irritable, and controlling...

That all thoroughly abnormal and unacceptable.

Controlling on its own is abusive. Doesn't matter about anything else.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

They won't tell you to leave or what to do, but they'll give you the head space to understand what is normal and what is not normal and be able to form your own conclusions and trust them. I think you very much need that.