The Spirit of Christmas

[Christmasfairy07]

Have namechanged as a little sensitive.
I have posted before about our difficulties with DD10. We thought she might be on the spectrum but have recently been told that she has attachment disorder, which can present with some similar symptoms to autism. Anyway she can have major meltdowns & as we live in a semi, the neighbours are sometimes affected & have knocked on the wall a couple of times. I have written to them twice to apologise & explain. I do feel very guilty as often I don’t deal with it all very well & end up yelling. I wanted to reassure the neighbours that we are not hurting DD. Actually she is more likely to be hurting DH 😞. The other week she had her worst meltdown yet, ending up with shouting “ Help” over & over again in a put on voice that made her sound hoarse. It was awful. The next thing we knew, the police were knocking on the door as they’d received an anonymous call. They were lovely but obviously it wasn’t the ideal way to spend our evening.
I now want to go round to see our neighbours but I am unsure about asking if it was them who called the police ( there’s a good chance they did). I have popped a Christmas card through their door. Nothing back as yet. Should I ask? It is Christmas & I really want to try & put things right. I thought they might have understood from the letters but it must have sounded really bad that night.
Before anyone says anything, I know yelling is absolutely the wrong thing to do & I am trying my hardest not to end up “ at top note”. It is unbelievably stressful, exhausting & sometimes feels like a bad dream

Anyone around?

I think if I were you I would speak to the neighbours in person, give them a chance to ask questions and talk about any concerns they have. Of course they should be understanding about your situation, but it might be quite worrying for them hearing frequent screaming and shouting from your house. I wouldn't start off with "Was it you who called the police?" but you could mention the visit and maybe say you understand why someone might think there was abuse or violence happening. Hopefully that will both reassure them and make them more sympathetic and tolerant.

Good luck and I hope things get easier in your family and with neighbours.

Bump

Any more thoughts?

How much did your letters reveal? If you were comprehensive and still they react as they do, I would leave it. If the letters were
vague, a visit might help.. Explain the situation to them, and how hard it is for you all. As far as they know, there is a 10 year old girl screaming, and being screamed, at next door, and it's possible they didn't understand your letters. That would worry any neighbour..
I hope your DD finds peace and help for her issues soon.

Regardless of any condition I knew a child had been diagnosed with, if I heard them repeatedly shouting for help I’d definitely call the police. And I hope our neighbours would do the same. What is it that you want to tell your neighbours? That they should ignore your/your child’s shouting? I’m sure it’s very distressing for them, both from the perspective of having to put up with unwanted noise in their own home and also the fact that the sounds are of such an emotive nature.

Can I ask what help you have been offered in terms of helping you, your DH and your daughter manage her condition? Maybe it would be helpful for your neighbours to know that you are being proactive and working towards reducing the frequency/intensity of DD’s meltdowns.

We have started family therapy, just me & DH at the mo with DD joining us in a few weeks depending on how it’s going.
I can’t remember exactly what I wrote in the letters but I mentioned the therapy in the 2nd one.
One of the things I wanted to tell the neighbours was that DD was shouting “ Help” but she wasn’t in any danger - she does quite a lot of things for a reaction. I’m sure they are avoiding our gaze because they suspect we might be hurting her & to be honest, I can’t blame them. I’m not proud to admit that I have smacked her in the past but absolutely not anymore. I somehow want to get across how difficult & stressful our lives can be but that we are both trying so hard to work on ourselves so that we can understand DD better & help her regulate her emotions.

Don’t think you should raise it with the neighbours, what would be your aim in doing so?

They simply acted as they thought appropriate.

Also, it doesn’t matter very much what the neighbours think of you.

Update - I went round with a bunch of flowers this afternoon & was so glad I did. It wasn’t them who called the police. Also, the Mum said that one of the daughters had knocked on the wall even though she had told her not to. She was so nice, asking if we were getting any support. I feel so much better. Onwards & upwards into the New Year 🙂

So glad they were supportive.. I wish you all a merry Christmas and hope the therapy goes well.

My dd used to shout Help when she had night terrors. It is so stressful, so I sympathise OP. I used to be frightened that someone would call the police thinking she was being hurt, and it really added to the stress.

That attachment disorder bollocks is fed to many parents of autistic children. It's used to fob people off and direct blame on the parents. Quite severe neglect has to have taken place in order for attachment disorder to develop.

You need to take this label with a massive pinch of salt. Google refrigerator mother myth. It's long discredited rubbish.

Christmasfairy I'm glad you spoke to them and they were understanding, it's not nice to feel awkward around neighbours, so it's good that you have cleared the air.