My beloved grandmother died last night. She had dementia that suddenly worsened after pneumonia. Within a few weeks she went from holding my hand and chatting with me to bring glazed over and not being able to speak properly. I last saw her on Monday morning. I took my knitting and sat next to her doing it as she was asleep. I only mastered knitting the other week after years and I’d ring her up a few tunes going grandma I don’t know what I’ve done, this but is tangled round that bit etc. She looked very different facially and had lost a lot of weight. I was due to go this morning again. My grandad was her carer and he died very suddenly in July. I suspected she wouldn’t go on very long without him, they’d been inseparable for over 60 years.
This is sad enough in itself but also I’m NC with my mother. I started therapy re her complicity in my stepdads physical and verbal abuse as well as sexual creepiness and she made excuses for everything that happened and told me I was responsible for her going on antidepressants by my bringing it up. She laid a lot of manipulative guilt on me because the troubles between us had meant she hadn’t seen my son. I started trying to instigate occasional contact between them but I found it gave me panic attacks and she shouted at me because I wouldn’t let her turn up at his bedtime with his birthday presents. After that I cut contact and she then showed up uninvited with my sister at ds’s nativity play.
When my grandad died my mums husband sent my dh a text asking why I didn’t send my mother a condolence card. To my knowledge you only send condolence cards to the immediate person, so I sent one to my grandmother. Now I’m worried that I’m going to be painted as an arsehole if I don’t send her one now my grandma has died too! But I’m sure this isn’t a thing that people do?! I’m not sending a condolence card to my aunts, I see this as the whole family’s loss.
And then there’s the funeral which I don’t think I can face going to as there will be many people there who Think I’m an awful person for not carrying on contact with my mother. I feel guilt about that too but I’m not sure mentally I can take it. With my grandad I went and spent time with him and spoke to his body at the funeral home instead.
Thank you if you read all of that.