Christmas presents, how to explain difference with Ex?

[FromthePinkGlitterySide]

I’m awake with a shitty cold and worrying a little about Christmas tbh. ExH and I have been separated for a year. He was useless to start but for the last month or so has been really good with the kids. Constant trips out and buying them things. (Coincided with new GF ) I’m happy for the kids that he has stepped up but if I’m brutally honest, it hurts to hear about how wonderful daddy is when I’ve struggled for a year to give them everything they need. Don’t want to drop feed so highlights include, threatening suicide repeatedly, violence towards me, abandoning the kids for various reasons.

I have just started a new job. Won’t get paid until January but obviously have lost most of the benefits I received and the maintenance I was being paid has dropped as he is having the kids more while I work.

Now the problem, I have got presents for the DC, as has ex. His are wrapped up and under the tree and DC have sent me photos of massive pile. My youngest DD still believes in Father Christmas. Ex is doing his own Christmas on Christmas Eve and won’t contemplate anything else. But now DD is asking what presents I am getting her and when I’m going to put them under our tree. She is 7.

Before we split, we got them one big present each and everything else was from FC.

How the fuck do I explain that I either I only get them one thing when Disney dad gets a mountain or that FC has cut right down this year? My DC are amazing and so wonderfully behaved, I don’t want to disappoint DD. DS’s are older and incredibly grateful, they can see how hard I’m trying but without ruining the magic for the little one I feel stuck.

Sorry for the essay but I just wondered how other single parents dealt with this?

Aw I'm sorry to hear about this! I've been through similar with my kids and the way I had to do it was bulk! I went to poundstretcher or similar and bought all the biggest tubs of marshmallows, or cushions etc to pad out the presents. At that age they don't care, they just want to see lots. My budget was always small but I managed to make it look enough. It's much harder when they're older. I spent £120 in sports direct for my son the other day and got 4 things! It's pretty stressful.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas xx

Thank you for your lovely reply. I think I’ll try that tactic and get some cheap but bulky presents!

I hope you have a lovely Christmas too x

Home bargains is brilliant for this if you have one near by. I popped in to one yesterday to get bottle bags and had to be very strict not to buy lots of bits.

Mine are older but for price comparison I got me and dd two pairs of false lashes each for about the same cost as one pair total everywhere else we buy from.

They have mini faux fur hot water bottles, and blankets, hot chocolate and marshmallows, dvds where you could make up a lovely eye catching Christmas Day snuggle hamper. Some love eye masks and bits if she’s inclined to be fancy. I think they may have had pjs too.

I haven’t looked at the toys but they seem to have lots of bits, dressing up stuff. Loads of stationary/craft bits. Plus if you have pets Father Christmas can get them a very eye catching gift for under £2.

The Christmas wrap and bows is really well priced and as good quality as the m&s next door (I was doing client gifts so bottles of stuff from next door and bags from home bargains)

I hope you have a lovely day x

Does lo think that Santa brings the presents under the tree? If so, I would brutally exploit exes stubborn nature. If they are getting Disney dad's presents on Xmas eve, I would tell her that Santa has arranged for presents there but there will still be some at yours to open on the big day. Get your boys in on the act

I went for honesty - mummy has significantly less money. If those at his house are under the tree already they're clearly from him not santa. Isn't it nice that he has money...
Though personally I twigged a while ago that santa shouldn't be getting all the credit so it went from everything being from him to him only bringing one gift to now only bringing the stocking gifts which can be cheap and cheerful. Maybe something to work towards? Also helps to gently but often remind that Xmas is about other things eg having a nice meal with family all around and some time off work and school to spend together. Hope you have a good one.

If the idiot doesn't ruin Christmas for her, then I'd say that they're presents from Dad as he has more money.

I have 3 children with a fairly small gap. I had a conversation with them when oldest said how unfair it was friend (only at the time) was having xyz from Santa and he wasn’t.
I said that Santa brings the presents but mummy and daddy pay and my money had to be shared with his siblings and friend didn’t have any.
Can you do a similar explanation?

Please don't buy piles of stuff that you don't really need or want just to bulk out a present pile.

It isn't good for the environment or the storage situation in your house.

As a child FC only brought stocking gifts on our household & the rest came from family and were modest.

This continues - as adults my siblings and I are all fairly high earners. Despite this modest Christmas spending continues - it is rare for anyone to get more than £50 spent on them. We have done big stuff eg. Games Consoles but it would be a gift from multiple people eg. Parents & aunts/uncles.

I would seriously evaluate how you want to proceed in future years.

Honestly I would say Santa was taking everything to Dad’s house but that you have bought them all a present for the next day.

Don’t sweat it.

But make your day magical with lights and films and games and fun.

I would go to home bargains ECT it's very cheap and get stuff that wwould be used anyway e.g. character bubbles , hot chocolate , Christmas chocolates , they have really cheap DVD and books , craft stuff, they also have board games and toys. I think you get some decent presents for little on a limited budget

My ex does this but my DDs age 10 and 11 realise he's trying to buy affection. They know he has more money than me, they know he buys mainly tat, and they know that he's an a abusive twat and don't like him. Your dc will come to realise that he's trying to buy them too and will appreciate what you do fit them far more.

In our house FC gets a couple of small gifts off their list, and everything else is from me. Nothing is under the tree before Christmas morning. All believe in FC.

4 huge sacks of tat last year from him. They were t impressed.

Don't let yourself be dragged into a competition. Be consistent, be there for them, tell them the truth regarding difference in finances, and they will appreciate everything you do rather than what you spend. Mine do anyway.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas

You’ve all made me feel so much better. Thank you.

Sorry I can’t figure out how to tag you individually but to respond,

I’ve thought really hard about the presents I have bought and I’m confident that they will be adored. DS1 aged 11 has a Harry Potter acceptance letter box that is amazing. I know that it’s not about just gifts and I don’t want them to have loads of crap but that is a difficult concept for a 7 year old, one year she gets a big pile of stuff from Santa and this year she gets shit loads from Disney dad too and mommy doesn’t bother.

I think lots of you are right. Inexpensive but big gifts are the way to help, DD lives stationary and making cards etc.

I’d love to explain that FC drops some off at his house but there’s no way he’d go along with it. They say you don’t really know someone until you divorce them and it’s so true

Loved the snuggle day hamper idea, DD would adore that so thank you!

Perverseconcverse thank you so much for that insight. I’m sure the same will happen and they will realise very soon but it’s so hard at the moment when he takes them to escape rooms and the cinema constantly and I’m trying to pay the electric bill. He’s been so shit for a year and now I’m supposed to just be nice because ‘he’s trying’

Zozozoo absolutely something to work towards in the future, I do invest more time and effort in them and I’ll definitely be making a point that it’s not just about the presents to all of the dc, thank you.

I really feel for you. Please don't worry too much though. Remember that kids are smart.and often have greater insights into things than we.give them credit for. Yes, presents are great but remember that what they really want is someone who is there for them, who really understand them, listens to their stories about school, knows their friends, dries their tears. From everything you've said that is clearly you, not your ex. You're giving them the greatest gift by being the one constant in their lives. I'm sure they can see through him, even if they do get caught up in the excitement of the Disney Dad stuff.

Have a lovely Christmas

My ex has always done this. He spends £300+ each at Christmas, and seems to be trying buy affection. To be fair it's always good stuff that they love

I was skint for a few years after he left as I got back on my feet and at first I did feel bad.

However I went on to make our own traditions, such as cheapie cinema (£1-£1.50) on Christmas Eve and the local nativity service at church. We make crap gingerbread houses every year from Home Bargains or Aldi.

My kids are mid/older teens now and they still want to do these things or versions of every year.

Honestly, they don't remember the mountains of presents. Don't go and buy more if you can't/don't want to.

Frederick thank you. It seems that something has made my eyes water after reading your post. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

Actually I hope all of you have an amazing Christmas. Thank you all so much.

Making a gingerbread house is an amazing idea! Definitely on the list.

My then 8 year old said to me: "mummy, you're always there for us." They value that over mountains of gifts.

Have a good Christmas. Cheap and bulky is the way to go! Also, could you make some vouchers and do a Christmas treasure hunt. So, a token for cinema and popcorn in a month (when you’ve been paid), a play date for four friends, a snowball fight in the first snow day,a living room disco etc. All things that she can look forward to when the excitement of Christmas has died down and don’t cost much.

When we were little my mum explained that Santa would only visit one house and that made my dad sad so he would buy us presents and pretend that they were from Santa. And she told us how happy it would make him if we would pretend they were from Santa as well. So we did, to this day he doesn't know and it helped explain why his "Santa" could buy us a PlayStation and the one at mums couldn't.

Also, Poundland are fantastic for craft stuff, pens and paints etc. They do some pre cut shapes which all of ds’ friends have liked. Unicorns, people, dinosaurs etc.

I was going to suggest Poundland for craft stuff. They have lots of really good little things in there at the moment. FC has got dd a making a snowman kit, glittery tape, harry potter pens and a few other making things from there.
As well as all the wrapping paper and tags.
B&M, Boyes and home bargains are worth a budgeted raid too.
The way I explain it to dd is FC can only do small cheap things as he only has so much budget and room in his sleigh.
The presents from us depend on how much money we have. And it's better to have a few things that are cared for than lots of things that aren't.
We've got dd a second-hand bike and some Lego. She will play with the Lego all of Christmas day and everyone will help her build it.
I would also look at charity shops. I've got a few dressing up things and general clothes from there.