Husband has cheated

[user1470739004]

I have been with my husband for 15 years - married for the past 9 and we have 2 children together (11 & 7) we have our ups and downs but mostly good. But today he has just admitted that he cheated on me when we were going out only a year (we were very on & off our first year and we had just gotten back together the day before at the time he cheated). ie - we weren’t living together at the time & he was with me that morning, then went out drinking early with the lads and was with another girl that night.

He swears he regrets it and kept it to himself for so long as he was afraid I would leave him. I know it was 14 years ago but it still hurts like hell knowing he cheated. I know he was with others while we were separated but genuinely never thought he would cheat. I love him & I don’t want to split up our family as the kids would be devastated but I will now be terrified to let him out of my sight, which is no way to live either. What do I do ladies? My head is fried. Has anyone been in this situation? I think he just feels realieved he has gotten it off his chest and expects me to just forget about it as it was so long ago. I really want to let it go but I genuinely don’t know if I can. Am I over reacting or am I right to be so upset. Please help. Sorry for the long post.😢

Why did he tell you?

You are bound to feel upset. It was a long time ago but but you just found out so new for you. I think it must have been very hard for your dh every day he must have worried you might find out. I wonder why he told you now, or did you find out? I threw my dh of 21 years old because he cheated on me but that was during our marriage. Your dh will need to be patient with you whilst he earns your trust back. If you believe he will cheat again then throw him out but fro. What you say it does not sound like he wants to. I would put him on 1 year good behaviour bond. Tell him he must make you trust him again and has 365 days to do so. Judge at end of year when you are not feeling so emotional. It is not easy going through a divorce with children. I would issue sex ban until you feel a bit better. Make him sweat and woo you again.

Well to add further compilations to the story my estranged grandmothers funeral was yesterday and he came with me. Where I discovered he had actually slept with one of my cousins a couple of weeks before we met. We don’t really know each other but we had started talking a bit about 3 years ago (She actually hinted at it & I guessed) I asked him about it and first he lied and said he only kissed her, then later admitted to sleeping with her. we had abit of an argument and I asked him if there was anything he lied about/choose not to tell me and he just blurted it out. It’s been an emotional few days 😢 sorry long winded again.

Well he can’t help sleeping with your cousin before he met you. Did he since know she was your cousin?

Ask yourself is something that happened so long ago, early in your relationship worth throwing all the years you’ve had together?

I think that's bullshit- people always say it was in the beginning before things were serious

Cop out

Thank you @caringcarer. He is a good man really but My heart is just broken over it. I don’t ‘think’ he would do it again but I’m afraid I won’t be able to trust anything he says or does again. I can never really let things go and I’m also afraid I would keep slapping it up to him every time we have an argument.

Blue widow. Yes he found out 3 years ago. I know he didn’t do anything wrong about my cousin, I was just angry he didn’t tell me beforehand rather than me finding out at the funeral.

You were probably feeling unsettled anyway by attending a funeral. Then this bombshell has made you doubt him. He has humiliated you and it is worse as with your cousin. Sex ban until you feel ready to resume marital relationship. Make him earn your trust back but don't bin off while still feeling emotional. See how you feel in 6 months or a year.

Honestly, you'd have been no worse off for not knowing. These people who feel they have to get things off their chest often don't consider the other person's feelings. Of course it hurts even though it was a long time ago.

However, it was a very long time ago and everyone makes mistakes. You've presumably been happy all these years so please don't let it spoil things for you now. Forgive him and move on.

(The cousin isn't important, you didn't even really know him then.)

Caring career. I actually don’t know which end of me is up, it has been such an emotional week. I know you are right and I should forgive him but I never really let things go so I’m afraid i will just keep slapping this up to him every time we have an argument and making both our lives a misery.

Jessstan2 - As pathetic as it makes me sound, At the moment, I actually wish he didn’t tell me, especially not this week. I probably shouldn’t throw away all those years over something that happened so long ago but I’m so hurt and angry with him right now.

@user1470739004 when I first met my husband, he had been casually seeing someone else and to my knowledge he had discontinued any contact with her once we got together.

Some years later (before we were married but we were already living together), I borrowed an old phone of his when mine was broken and found messages from her on there that clearly indicated they had still be very much in touch for months after that. One even said 'thanks for last night', although he swore blind it was about a conversation and not anything else.

My blood was boiling at the time and on that day I could easily have left him for good. I was so hurt and it made me question a lot. I am the most jealous person ever but I did move on and it hasn't had any lasting impact on our marriage.

It's now many years later and I barely think of it (although your post did remind me so he's going to wonder why I'm so angry with him today!)

I'm sure you'll feel the same with time. You're perfectly entitled to be angry meanwhile though.