Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Just me and the kids

22 replies

onlyme7 · 19/12/2018 21:03

Hey everyone. I don't even know where to start but I need to vent and get this out. Me and partner have been together for almost 13 years, he's the love of my life and we have two young children together (aged 3 and 6 months). Shortly after I had our first child he ended up going to prison, he did a year away which was very emotionally straining but we managed to get through it. When our second child was 4 months old he's gone to prison again but this time its a longer sentence. Emotionally I am drained, my 3 year old is very much aware with whats going on but handles it so well and just gets on with it. I am so mad with him for going away again when he promised he wouldn't but equally I support him as the father of my children and partner. The trouble is that apart from me he has no other support, none of his family go to see him, write to him, send money etc. they don't even offer to help me financially. We see him weekly and I can see how emotionally and physically strained and depressed he is. After many discussions i have made it clear that this is the very last time I will deal with this, call me stupid but I think where he's having not a good experience and is missing out on the kids this is the wake up call he needs. I do believe this is the last time and he knows the consequences. My parents do support me but my father won't stop talking about this, focusing on everything negative. He wont stop brining it up and really upsetting me, they both don't no each other well so my father is just judging off knowing nothing. I am so emotionally broken with this, I am trying to focus on work and the kids but the fact they people keep bringing it up all the time is just really getting me down. I don't know if anyone else has been through this type of situation and how they dealt with it? Its so easy to say leave him but theres a history, theres children and we are very much a family.

OP posts:

Troels · 19/12/2018 21:11

Your a fool. Maybe the family don't see him and send him money because he's a criminal and they don't want him to think that it's OK. Supporting him would be telling him that it's OK.
Your children need a proper role model.

Heratnumber7 · 19/12/2018 21:12

What did he do and how long is he in for?

Justlikedevon · 19/12/2018 21:13

But you aren't very much a family - he behaves badly enough to go to prison - twice. He's hardly family man of the year!! If you were my daughter, i wouldn't give him a chance either. Why on earth would you want to stay with him? Once can be seen as a mistake, depending on the crime. Twice - he's either really stupid, or a serial offender. Don't waste your life waiting for him, you and your children deserve better.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems

Original poster

onlyme7 · 19/12/2018 21:15

I don't want to get into the ins and outs of what he did but it was nothing huge at all. 2 years.

I've come in here to get advice not to be bashed as you don't know my situation fully and yet again this is an example of people just judging. It's a shame that not many people know about the prison systems etc and their first instinct is to bash someone

OP posts:

Original poster

onlyme7 · 19/12/2018 21:16

It's very hard to just walk about especially when my child asks to see her father..

OP posts:

Paddingtonthebear · 19/12/2018 21:16

I’m not sure what the answer is you are looking for, but I feel very sorry for your kids. You need to put them first. Not sure your husband deserves much more support from any of you to be honest.

Original poster

onlyme7 · 19/12/2018 21:17

Definitely agree with the stupid part

OP posts:

Moominfan · 19/12/2018 21:17

Op your loved ones are seeing you struggle and are going to blame him. They don't know him but can see the situation your in. Would you want this for your kids? You don't owe him anything. Prison will be tough but he made the choices that put him there.

Paddingtonthebear · 19/12/2018 21:18

I guess the point of your husband going to prison twice, is that society judges his behaviour as wholly unacceptable.

I think you need to make a plan about your future with just the kids.

Original poster

onlyme7 · 19/12/2018 21:19

I definitely am not giving him any sympathy and have been very harsh. And I see where everyone is coming from as they care for me but equally it puts me on a very awkward situation and it's hard hearing the same thing everyday. Even though he's not great the kids stills need to know their dad no?

OP posts:

kalefire · 19/12/2018 21:19

There aren't many victimless crimes though OP.

A friend of mine's DH has just been sent away for a long time and I see how difficult it is for her so I have some sympathy but honestly. Twice in a short time he's gone to prison - it will happen again! Stop fooling yourself.
I would be SO disappointed if you were my daughter. This is no life for your lovely DC either, seeing their dad going in and out of prison.

TheDowagerCuntess · 19/12/2018 21:21

It's a shame that not many people know about the prison systems etc and their first instinct is to bash someone

No, they don't, but most people know enough about them not to end up in one. And that doesn't someone has ended up in one - twice - when they have a wife and kids, they're doing something profoundly wrong.

Your priority should not be your husband, it should be your children.

He can still be their father without living in the same home as them. As you know only too well.

Original poster

onlyme7 · 19/12/2018 21:21

I do agree. This is something I have been fighting with on my head.. and I know I'm stupid to think this is the last time.. but what if it is and that's where I'm stuck

OP posts:

GinUnicorn · 19/12/2018 21:21

OP this sounds really tough for you. Is there anyone who can offer you help or support?

I hope you don’t mind me saying this but have you thought about counselling yourself. I’m guessing this is a lot of emotionally process and if you are trying to protect the children and hide their dads actions it might be good for you to have some help working through your own emotions.

I hope your partner takes this as the wake up call he needs and doesn’t put you through this again.

Thesearmsofmine · 19/12/2018 21:22

Your theee year old should’t have to deal with it and get on with it. That’s really sad tbh.

bullyingadvice2017 · 19/12/2018 21:23

My friend was you a decade ago. He's been in and out for years. She's worked her ass if during that time raising two kids and getting a degree from scratch. Now she has a good job, nice house, and he's still the same. Kids tell her alll the time that dads a waster!

Original poster

onlyme7 · 19/12/2018 21:23

I have a lot of support from friends and colleagues and I guess he's only been gone a short period so it's still rather raw. I definitely want focus on myself and my family right now so I'm in a healthy state of mind. My kids are Absolutely my main priority but when they ask for their dad everyday it makes it hard

OP posts:

Original poster

onlyme7 · 19/12/2018 21:25

Just to clarify this is not the life I wanted for myself this is not what I chose but it's something that has happened. I am trying to do the best I can to get through it all

OP posts:

Paddingtonthebear · 19/12/2018 21:25

When does he get out? Will there be conditions? Can he see the kids now?

You can maintain the relationship between him and the kids even if he doesn’t live at home. But if you can’t rely on him not to let you all down again because he already let you down, you need to put yourself and the kids first and he will have to fit in around that as and when and if he can. I would direct your annoyance at him rather than the family who may be judging him but are probably worried sick about you and the kids and the impact of all of this.

Original poster

onlyme7 · 19/12/2018 21:26

Home in 2 years and yes he will be monitored afterwards. He sees the kids every week and to be honest the environment is very kid friendly as the pension has a family room with toys etc.

OP posts:

Thesearmsofmine · 19/12/2018 21:26

You did choose it by saying with him and having another child. If he loved you and the children so much he wouldn’t be back in prison. Two years is a long time, it must have been something fairly serious.

Paddingtonthebear · 19/12/2018 21:32

Might be worth looking into some sort of advice/counselling for your 3 year old. It’s a lot of confusion to deal with at that age

Flip