WWYD would you be honest or keep quiet and hope for the best?

[FluffyUnicornsAndGlitter]

At Xmas we spend Xmas day with DHs dad and his girlfriend and SIL, BIL and their DC.
DHs dad and his mum separated 12 years ago. DHs Dads GF has been with him about 9/10 years.

The GF is a nice person she’s very generous and sees us all as her family. But she can be very insensitive at times.

2 years ago in March DHs mum died suddenly. It was a truly awful time as she was such a wonderful person. The following week was GFs birthday and we always go for a meal for birthdays.
GF was busy on her actual birthday so wanted to go for a meal on Mother’s Day. DH and SIL both said no, any other day would be fine but not Mother’s Day as they had just lost their mum and didn’t want to be surrounded by others with their mums. Fair enough you would think under the circumstances but she got really quite defensive and said “you are not the only person to loose their mum, I haven’t got a mum anymore” for context GFs Mum was well in her 80s when she died quite a few years DHs Mum was only early 50s and was killed in tragic circumstances. There was quite a bit of drama and it was then all about her.

She comes across as someone who needs constant praise. For example If we go round for a meal. We will eat and all thank her for the meal before and after but she will try and carry that on and on to get even more praise. Me and SIL always contribute towards a meal but quite often she will say I’ve had absolutely no thanks when she most definitely has.

Xmas before last and last year we’ve had some quite insensitive comments from her. Actually any time we socialize with her it happens .
Our & SILs DC call her nanny, she’s always been in their lives. She is very generous with all the DC and likes to spoil them. But it’s the comments that follow. The kids will all thank her for the gifts she then follows this on with. “Nanny is the best nanny in the world, I’m your only nanny so I am the best don’t you think” she applies it to most things. “Nanny makes the best roast potatoes in the world, I’m your only nanny so of course mine are the best” you get the picture.

Me and DH was talking about Xmas earlier and he actually said he’s dreading it as these comments every time we see her really hurt. I also find it very disrespectful as my mum is no longer with us but find it worse for DH and SIL as there mum was tragically taken so suddenly.

I really think this should of been addressed before now but both me and DH have been silently stewing.

The problem is, I really do want to talk to her before Xmas day. But I’m pretty certain she’s going to take it as a attack on her and get really defensive rather thansay, oh my gosh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone. I don’t think her intentions are malicious but I really think she just suffers with a bit of filter to mouth situation.

Do you think her comments are hurtful and we both have taken it out of context?

If not would you approach this before Xmas nicely or just hope it doesn’t happen again?

She sounds like hard work, I wouldn't describe her as nice at all. I think the niceness is an act so she can get away with the nastiness.

What do the kids think when she makes those comments?

I think the timing is wrong. A more general conversation about the issue needs to be had but not attached to a specific event or it will surely sour that event.

Her words are bloody insensitive it's true but they sound like they come from insecurity (though this doesn't excuse it).

If you don't want the mother of all arguments over Christmas I'd say best to sit tight then arrange a time mid January to see you FIL and the GF and talk about this detached from any specific event.

She sounds very self centred and thoughtless. I think you should say something, but just try to be the bigger person. I doubt she is intentionally being malicious, just very thoughtless and insensitive. It's not fair on any of you.

She’s still trying to compete with your MIL. That’s what the mothers’ day thing was about.
DH and his sister need to have a conversation with their Dad, who can then try and take it up with his wife.
It may be a bit soon for this year, are you all starting to feel a bit off colour by any chance?

I think maybe next time she says it you could gently comment that it's hurtful and you all love her so could she please stop saying she's the best because she's the only one.

She is hard work, but it’s a real shame as we all get on quite well with her.

The kids have never mentioned these comments but ours do get irked and have mentioned on several occasions her obsessive “say thanks to nanny” comments. They will always say thanks anyway but the request for more thanks can go on and on.

I do agree that the timing is completely off, but on the other hand it’s not a flippant comment it’s multiple times and DH is getting quite twitchy about it already and has already said if Xmas doesn’t improve this year it will definitely be the last time we spend it with them.

Self centered is probably a good way of describing her yes and I honestly don’t think it was said maliciously no.

Not considered calling her out gently at the time, that may be a option. May have to consider the words in advance as it really could cause drama otherwise. We don’t want that as were really laid back people.

I think you are best calling her out on it at the time. So if she says 'thank nanny again' or whatever, I would say 'oh come on now DC has already said thanks'. Even if you make a joke out of it, call her out each time.

It is just not necessary, and I would make it the last Christmas visit. Which would be a shame on FIL.

She sounds highly insecure as well as insensitive.

But I do think you would do better to say something at the time rather than before - people like her almost never realise/accept that they're doing anything wrong, so will not take it on board at all, unless their behaviour is shown at the time to be upsetting.

I think you could definitely say something about it being hurtful to remind both you and your DH that your mothers are no longer with you though, that would be fair enough.

Can't believe she thought Mothers' Day was an appropriate day to have her birthday celebrations, that's truly mindbogglingly self-centred!

Also, if she thinks she hasn't been thanked, you could try "jokingly" saying "I think Nanny must be going deaf, you've already said thank you and she didn't hear you - maybe say it louder?!"
That might stop her.

what does dhs dad say-my dads wife is like this and hes not much better-isnt she great shes s wonderful dont tu think its like hes tying to prove that its ok that my mums not here aymore and hes moved on

You need to call out her stupid self absorbed selfishness, the only reason she’s there is because DH’s Mother died so very young and in cruel circumstances.
A hefty reminder of this when she’s bleating about how marvellous and incredible she is might dampen her self appointed spot light.

Christ I couldn’t listen to that bullshit, I feel for your poor DH.

I'd be "tinkly laugh - nanny is getting really deaf/forgetful these days, I heard you say thank you when ..."

There are lots of comments to make about being best/worst/average in a field of one but I'd try to keep my mouth shut, probably unsuccessfully.

P.s. genuinely nice people wouldn’t continually seek self praise OP, remember that when your feeling too kind to speak up.

I would try and approach it before Christmas because otherwise I think you’ll just be on edge all day. Use the children as an excuse. Say that you hope she doesn’t mind you mentioning it, but the children are really upset whenever she points out that she’s the only nanny as it reminds them of their other nannies dying. Tbh though it sounds like she’s completely insensitive because otherwise surely she would have realised by herself that she shouldn’t be saying things like that, so you may be on a hiding to nothing. But if you’ve mentioned it in advance and she still does it, it gives you a perfectly good reason to leave.

I would go around for a cup of tea and Christmas cake, gift exchange and leave quickly.

Enjoy Christmas with people who are easy to be around.

Don't let her hassle the children for praise, I would cut her off with a comment about them already saying thank you if that happens.

She won't change. I'd normally say no point in saying anything - grin and bear BUT FOR the context of your DH's loss. I think that changes things in terms of the grinning and bearing.

But she still won't change. Although maybe the worst comments might stop - but I suspect she will do so because your DH "is so sensitive" - i.e. rather than she is wrong. And she'll still do the pretty annoying stuff if not the really really annoying stuff.

And if becomes a Big Issue I can almost guarantee she will put DH's father right and centre and there be all sorts of issues there.

I think to get the result you want the best way would to find a way to make her feel like she;s being so great about being sensitive. e.g. we're so grateful that the kids have a good nanny but we find it upsetting to be reminded that you;re the only so if you wouldn't mind not saying that.

Bottom line though - these particular leopards do not change their insensitive and intrusive spots.

Why don't you say "If want to stay Nanny and not I suggest you stop competing with their dead nannies, their actual nannies and using opportunities like this to big yourself up while putting them down"

That might sound harsh but it's what she's doing so call her on it, she doesn't sound all that nice to me. She'd probably be all poor me "I didn't mean to offend" and then you can say "Ok no problem, but now you know you did offend you can stop saying it and now we know you didn't mean to we can forget it"

"Actually, my mother is irreplaceable and so is DH's; we all love you but we all loved Granny/grandma too. There's room for all their grandparents, living and especially dead. It's good to remember them in all their glory.".

I’d be making sure I raised a glass to the absent Grandmas to frame family hierarchy.

And having done that, I’d be happy to play pass the parsnips Nanny, would you like the Brussels nanny, what time is strictly on nanny all day long. If you and DH do it as well you’ll definitely annoy her.

Actually, my mother is irreplaceable and so is DH's; we all love you but we all loved Granny/grandma too. There's room for all their grandparents, living and especially dead. It's good to remember them in all their glory."

This

Is there really a big issue here? None of us are perfect and we all do things that make our family toll their eyes upward. We all have to grit our teeth sometimes because of annoying behaviours and attitudes of those we love.

Not everything has to be turned into a battle. It sounds like something you all could just humour her with instead of feeling so hurt and offended.

All sounds like a storm in a teacup to me.

On the birthday dinner on Mother's Day, since your mum had just died, I agree it was insensitive.

I take it that neither you, your brother and the rest have ever done anything insensitive? That you are all fabulous company with no irritating habits or behaviour?

Sometimes we need to bear with family without turning things into meetings to discuss behaviours, etc. If she is doing something that is really damaging or wrong then of course discuss it with her but these issues you raised sound like irritations rather than big problems.

Relishing being the only grandmother left living is disgusting, so yes I’d definitely say to... is there really a big issue here .. YES.