MIL just diagnosed with vascular dementia

[confusedofengland]

MIL is a lovely woman, whom I have known & loved for 18 years. She has just turned 70.

She's been having memory problems- repeating herself, twice forgotten who FIL is, asked where her father is when actually he's been dead for 20 years- and so went for tests & has today received a diagnosis of vascular dementia. She is ok 95% of the time but has occasional blips.

My question is does anybody have any advice or experiences they'd like to share? Especially on how to support DH. We are close to PIL but live 2.5 hours drive away so see them at most a couple of times a month, which I think upsets him sometimes.

I cannot help you but there is a dementia section here on MN.

Whilst she still has capacity to consent, get a Power of Attorney put in place. You get different ones for medical / financial matters, and some are only for limited times.

But try to get it sorted out now rather than when it becomes an emergency, she can no longer consent to it, and you end up having to have it sorted out by a court.

My other tip would be to let unimportant things go. My DH gets very frustrated with his FIL when he gets confused over some things - but if it makes no odds, learn to just shrug it off and constant corrections tend to make things worse.

Getting PoA is the most important thing, it really is.

If she drives, then seriously consider stopping that and if she uses a smartphone/tablet/pc then your FIL needs to think about protecting her from scams etc. Before my mum stopped using her PC she was ordering all sorts of things, and multiples of them. Thankfully she forgot her online banking passwords very early on, but dad had to take over everything and sort it out with the bank which he was reluctant to do as it was 'her' thing.

I found the book 'Contented Dementia' very helpful in starting to think about how to talk to mum and make her life easier.

It is a horrible disease, but you can find some great support on the Elderly Parents board here. Its really saved my sanity

Thank you. It's nice (if that's the word?) to hear from people who have experiences of similar. I have been crying about this all afternoon & feel guilty for doing so as she's not even my mother (my own dm is an alcoholic, but that's a whole different thread)!

My sister is a probate solicitor so should be able to sort poa quickly & easily for them. MIL doesn't drive or use screens, so no worries there.

Her main interests are her church & related activities, which we have read is good to encourage for social interaction & getting out. She used to enjoy shopping but hasn't been since getting disoriented at Aldi a few months ago with Sil. We are going up for 4 days at Christmas so will see plenty of her then & do nice easy things like walking in the park she's loved since a girl & eating in the pub she's similarly known for years.

Just feel so broken-hearted for DH & lovely lovely PIL

My MIL has this also. Diagnosed 3 years ago now. What I would say is that the decline seems to go in stages. For example we find that she is stable for a while and will seem ok but then declines and so on. With her she has become a massive worrier when previously not so amongst other things. What I would say is be there for your husband but also your FIL especially as things progress. If your MIL could come and stay for a weekend for example not only for your DH to spend time with her but to give your fil time for himself.