How do you make sure irresponsible ex doesn't sully yuor relationship with dc or teach them bad habits - how critical can you be?

[theduchessstill]

Ex is more & more of a knob as time goes by. He is quite unreliable about weekend contact but always has the dc on a designated week night, so I suggested that to my team as a night to have out works xmas meal (I have no one else to have dc). Tonight he has announced in passing to ds that he won't be able to have them the night of the meal.

Although I always try very hard not to bad mouth him, when ds1 told me I couldn't help exclaiming that I wouldn't be able to go to my Christmas meal and I sad something along the lines of he should have told/asked me sooner. I also rang him and I think the dc heard my side of the convo (it wasn't loud or abusive) and probably realised he hung up on me.

After, ds1 was asking me what time the meal was, as if trying to work out a way for me to go, and he also said his dad is more like a child. Ds2 gave me a hug (I didn't cry or anything ,but he could obviously tell I was upset) but also defended his dad, his reasons for cancelling etc. I just said these things happen and changed the subject, but the whole thing leaves me uneasy.

Despite my best efforts, and some of my less-than-best ones like tonight, ds1 is obviously realising what sort of man his dad is and is increasingly reluctant to go there and more and more critical of him. Ds2 clearly loves him and wants to defend him, which I get and would never want to come between him and his dad, but I worry that if ds1 starts refusing to go (he's nearly 12) ex will blame me vocally to ds2 when he's there, and ds2 will go along with it. What could I do about that? Also, I want ds2 to know that some of the things his dad does are not ok and that people should be more respectful of each other, but how do I convey that without criticising his dad?

Any advice would be great as I feel this whole thing is turning into more and more of a minefield....

I think you just have to be honest. That doesn't necessarily mean being critical. You're quite justified in saying something like that's really disappointing that dad's cancelled at the last minute. I think a good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn't accept a certain behaviour from somebody else, you don't have to pretend it's acceptable in your ex.

If you don't take this stance what are you teaching your dc? That some people have a free pass to behave badly towards them because they have shared DNA? That you think it's okay for them to be treated less well just because the person doing it is their dad?

As long as what you say is tied into his behaviour, and not based upon your history with him, your dc will be able to see why you feel as you do. If your youngest is already wanting to see his dad less then, at his age, there's not much anyone can do to make him. Your oldest probably knows the reasons why he's reluctant to go. You can't affect what your ex might say to him, only what you say and how you behave.

Sounds like you're doing fine. But being the bigger person is exhausting !