Friend asked to come for Christmas day dinner with her 2 x children yesterday.
Friend is currently trying to separate from her DA partner. He has decided he will spend Xmas at their home instead of at his parents (git). Her children hate him.
Background (sorry its long):
Both of us had DA relationships. She is happy hosting on Xmas day, been to her's 3 times (before and after separating from the ex, she invited him around too that first year) when the children were little at her invite (she would invite us around Oct/Nov time). I don't know if she knows how much that meant to me the xmas after separating from my ex. She is just very sociable, believes in having people around etc.
However, I am not a natural hostess but always do my best to make sure people have food/drink etc, but socially I am not comfortable (I love the idea of a dinner party, would completely freak me out to do it in real life...).
She does push boundaries. But I have pushed back in the past and she has apologised and we have remained friends. On one occasion she suggested she come along on a camping trip I had planned, and ended up taking over, so I ended up v stressfully messaging her and saying how sorry I was and it wasn't working for us. There has been times of being treated as free childcare which I ended up snapping at her about (I hate confrontation so tend to simmer, I know, its not good), so that got an apology and stopped.
I have on a rare occasion had them round to lunch. She is super competent in the kitchen and organised. And works like a trojan. I however am very distractable (cannot hold a conversation and even make a cup of tea...I won't tell you how long some boiled eggs took to get cooked one of the rare times I hosted). The whole time I was getting lunch, she was offering to help regularly, I left the room for a minute, came back to find she had gone in a drawer and got a pan lid to put on my pan, then did the washing up for me (I am laid back/lazy and tend to leave when guests are around, it was done more in frustrated manner than being helpful? She knows I leave it). She has also made comments about the tidiness of the house before, we have a messy house. I don't want to think about a big clean before xmas when I have presents to wrap and deliver and cards to do still, another trip out to the city to take my sisters presents, and the other million and one things to do, I feel incredibly stressed just thinking about it.
I also hate to think how long it would take me to do a big roast dinner with her there twitching to get the job done (and she would get it done faster and better than me, she often says she is a good cook).
I've done my xmas food shop (got a quorn roast). What we have is simple and we are also vegetarian and they eat meat...I was going to do a completely meat free xmas this year, usually get sausages for younger child but she's choosing veggie stuff to eat now so I was ready to go full veggie. I would feel the need to cater for her and her children and provide meat. No I don't have too, however I will provide meat for friends when they come for lunch or if I do a bday party...I feel its part of being considerate to those who don't share our choice. However a turkey on the table or sausages, its just not welcome at xmas now.
I worry about spending more money, have already lifted my CC limit and maxed it out again. I would feel the need to buy gifts/drinks/meat etc. I know she would bring stuff, she is generous, but I would feel the need to do extra stuff too.
Another element is our eldest children have been friends since 3/4 years old and in the last year her child has effectively ghosted my dd, either having a friend on meet ups and excluded my dc, or spent all her time with her mum, or arranged to be with another friend and not come around. She smiles politely enough and will chat to us but only briefly (12 yr old). My dd is not upset, she is bemused by it. But still, they were friends and now it appears she is not good enough. No fall out. Just its very clear she is distancing herself (not in same school or clubs).
Sorry this is so long and convoluted.
I feel as a good friend I should return the favour of having her around at xmas, especially given the current home situation (I am also giving her garage space for her possessions, last time I had them for two years. It was fine, however I would quite like my garage back, but again, if it keeps her possessions safe I would rather she put them in the garage and I lose use of it for a while longer (as well as my sisters stuff in there!)
Finally I also have dogs, her youngest can be too much at times with the terrier so I have to keep them away. Friend then fusses terrier than complains when she jumps up. So end up locking terrier away in utility for duration of visit.
I feel stressed up to the eyeballs even thinking about having anyone over xmas day. Already knocked back an invite to a pub too (I'm incredibly boring and pubs are not my thing...I intend to spend xmas day chilling and mooching around with jogging bottoms on and a glass of bucks fizz playing with presents with the children and dawdling over doing xmas lunch...that was the plan)
Its making my conscience twinge continually since she asked. My conscience says yes, but the rest of me is quite frankly at the point of melt down right now.
Sorry its all very waffly and I sound a bitch about some of the things. I struggle to say no to people and then I do the resentful silently fuming thing. I know its not healthy or good for relationships.
I left her with 'will think about it'.
I do not find her the easiest person to be around in my own home to sum up.
Any thoughts, suggestions or advice anyone?