How has having an alcoholic parent effected your personality?

[Snapsnapsnap]

Wondering what other people's experiences are. DH has a long line on alcoholics behind him, and while I've never seen him exhibit any addictive behaviour (10+years), he's picked up some traits which I really struggle with. The biggie is lying/misinformation/concealment-e.g. if he broke something, he'd hide it and just not mention it-I have a long list of anecdotes of varying seriousness along those lines. To me it's so clearly mimicking the behaviour of an addict. Does anyone else have experience of this or other related stuff?

I suffer with ED which I think was triggered by father leaving due to his alcoholism.

I like an occasional drink but I’m very wary now of my consumption. I was quite judgmental about my ex as I felt that he overdrank (would always have a drink every single night) which I felt was a red flag but I may well have been hyper sensitive

My DM is an alcoholic, has been since I can remember.

When I was younger I was very anti-alcohol. I do drink now but do try to be very careful over the reasons why I drink and the behaviour it brings.

Other than that, I've struggled quite a bit with my MH. Self harm, for the most part. Stemming from not feeling good enough. Often think it's my fault she drinks and can't understand why she goes for it when she's sober...like it's a conscious thing not a decision made under the influence, IYSWIM. Inferred that it's something to do with me. Rationally I know that's not the case though.

I dont drink as my father was a bad tempered alcoholic. I'm very reactive, cant abide being told what to do by a man, even quite trivial things, and generally have been very bad at managing social relationships with men. I unconsciously expected all men to be as my father but it took me many years to recognise this in myself.

MH issues, EDs and a brush with alcohol issues myself. Self harm
I also catch myself lying as well. About stupid things that aren't important. I have got better at this as I've got older though.

I dont lie/conceal/misimformation. I actually believe what people say too easily and find it hard to lie or break rules.

I do have MH issues though and despite being bright struggled with a full time job. I have lots of anxiety. I have an eating disorder and am now huge. I struggle with what is "normal."

I often wonder if I have adhd or just incorrect patterns.

Im a mess.

My mum, dad and Gran were / are alcoholic.

I am teetotal and have been since I was 25 and realised I was heading down the same path as them. (I am now 38).

The only way it’s really affected me is that I am very extreme about cleaning my house and keeping it clutter free as growing up our house was always a complete state as any spare money went on fags and drink. To the point our house smelt awful and I was embarrassed to bring friends home - I never want that for my own children.

Do not drink or enjoy alcohol.

Esteem issues and a level of anxiety which I think in some way triggered by the unpredictability of living with an addict.

I probably do minimise in other areas actually, usually to keep peace or through shame.

He is now much better with drink but still a drinker. He was high functioning which made it harder as most people didn't see him like I did.

DF is an alcoholic and I definitely suffer from anxiety. He was a moody and unpredictable alcoholic. As children we always waited to see what mood he was in coming home from work.

Love a drink myself but definitely have to watch it as could easily become too fond of it.

Don't really like pubs and hate seeing children in them as we were sometimes brought into them.

Believe it effected me in so many ways and on my relationships with men and their relationship with alcohol.

@JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi

So hard to read all these posts. It's awful living with an alcoholic parent.

Lie a d conceal? Not sure about that but I am very secretive and have never got out of the habit of maladaptive daydreaming which was my only escape when a child. I blame my wild days on not having a good father figure so was not able to understand men very well.

I married a teetotaler and stopped drinking myself last year.

Oh god the hours spent sat outside a pub with a packet of crisps if you were lucky, and a couple of books .

My DM then is real anti drinking which is ironic as she married an alcoholic. DF would hide things from her and even now would hide stupid things.

I am impulsive and can buy way too much and even forget what I have bought.

DF tried to kill himself a few times. One of which I found him when I was in my early 20's. So upsetting. He was in hospital a few times also. After that time he was put into hospital and never forget visiting him and him crying as we left and he couldn't leave with us.

My DM is an alcoholic, she reached her worst when I was a teen and luckily was living with grandparents who kept me on the straight and narrow. As a child I wasn't really affected too much, had low self esteem very shy but don't think that was purely down to Mum. Now I am older and have my own children I see how she puts drink first and how really we were neglected in quite a few ways, luckily she was never violent or anything like that more the fact she is more like a child herself and perhaps me and my brother had more responsibilities than most kids our age but we also had a great dad who I appreciate even more so now who was around a lot due to his work so he picked up her slack.

I myself don't really drink, I still have contact with Mum but things are very strained, I
Have a lot of resentment for her and there are lots of things I can't forgive her for. If anything I've learnt from her mistakes,
I'm more practical and resilient and can look after myself. Dad being there for us also made me respect men a lot more but perhaps I do have some of mums traits that I expect quite a lot from my other half now and can be a bit lazy at times.

My parent was an alcoholic who was in prison when I was born. Always thought it hadn’t affected me but many years later I saw a younger - non related - child with the same background who had lots of issues and suddenly realised it was me too. Eating disorders, lacking self esteem, impulse hoarding of random things, lying about things for no reason, inability to fully trust or rely on anybody else

I don't lie or conceal things and am like justkeepswimming - believe people to easily and don't break rules.

Similar to others on the thread, have struggled with MH issues and low self esteem. I find it hard to rely on anyone. I rarely drink and never alone or at home. Lots of anxiety, probably stemming from having been brought up in an unpredictable and violent environment.

Codependency - being drawn to fix, caretake and people please even when it's to my own detriment.

Anxiety, intrusive thoughts, complex ptsd. Needing to be seen as compliant, and a 'good girl'.

Workaholic tendencies, when we had DC it was DH who went part time as I have to be be financially independent - there's a block inside me that prevents me completely trusting a man. Also quite particular about having 'emergency funds' and budgets.

When I'm anxious it comes out as micromanaging and controlling - I don't mean it to, it's just a knee jerk reaction to feeling out of control.

Hypervigilance and insomnia owing to getting woken up in the night most nights for years during childhood. In times of stress I find myself going to bed fully clothed as it's the only way I get any sleep! Its like my body expects I'll need to fight or flight so I must be dressed and ready to go.

Phobia of driving a car, my counsellor says this is very common if your parent drunk-drive with you in the car as a child.

There's probably more!

I don't think I was badly affected but there are a few things others have said that ring true for me too. I do wonder if there is something genetic there as I am definitely lacking the off switch that others have, I have quite an addictive personality and I am so conscious of it I am constantly assessing whether I am taking something to the extreme. I do like a drink and though I don't often get the opportunity to indulge these days when I do I can easily get completely hammered and want to keep drinking which worries me sometimes

This is making me focus on my responses and, Orange, you've made me realise why I hate my bathroom; when jn the bath I have my back to the door. I cant sleep in a room where I cant see the door from bed. Its the fight or flight as you say. My father was violent towards our mother but not to us children, I've never needed to leap out of bath or bed for fear of him or anyone else but we were always scared of what might happen and 50 years later, thats still there, a need to be prepared to meet something awful unexpectedly.

I still have flash backs of certain times a member of my family who lived with us was drunk...

I'd would dread Fridays because I knew it meant being scared all weekend and love Monday's because I had a whole week at school and them at work so they wouldn't drink.

There was 1 time, when I was 7 I was downstairs alone. Said alcoholic family member running to and from the loo to be sick (only 1 loo upstairs when I was young)
I was to scared to go upstairs for a wee so I stole a nappy from my little sisters changing bag, hid and did a wee in that.

I vowed never to be like that and I don't drink at all. I find no pleasure in it, don't like the taste even because it brings back memories.

I settled down young at 21, got a mortgage with my partner and we had DD1 (now pregnant again).
I had no desire to party like my friends and I'm happy with the life I have now.
Some people call me boring or say I'm missing out on the fun of my twenties.
But to me bringing up my children in a happy comfy home where they can have a better childhood than me is completely worth it and I wouldn't change it at all.

just

abit interesting that you self-correct on the lying. I'm not sure in his heart DH can really see the problem.

Thank you everyone who replied-I've been looking for a chance to reply more fully but not getting it!

Those of you who've talked about lying, or anyone else, can you say a bit more about it? It is mimicking the behaviour of a secretive drinker, or something else? I think with DH, actually his mum was the volatile parent (powerless to stop the drinking, stressed to the max and angry), and some of it's about deep fear of conflict.

And more generally-I'm so sorry for what many of you have gone through, and it is so many people isn't it-when we knock this around we often say most people don't have Heroin in their lives but everyone knows an alcoholic. Most of us are related to one.

I'm very anxious and can be controlling of my environment i.e having things tidy. I think that's because I find it really hard to control my thoughts so try and control the space around me.

I am not very open or trusting due to being let down a lot and in big ways by my alcoholic parent.

But that parent was very loving and generous and I think I am the same in those ways too. Our personalities were very similar.

Although I do not have an addiction to alcohol (I barely drink), I definitely have food issues.

Interesting those of us with food issues... I haven't found the answer yet.

Is it too simple to suggest the food is a substitute for booze? DBIL binge eats in secret-which is very much how DFIL drank-though I'm sure it's not always such a direct comparison.

Juan DFIL had lots of lovely qualities which I see in DH. He too was generous, probably too forgiving and a bit naive. Tricky childhood of his own as he also had an alcoholic parent.