Arghh dd's dad (my ex) is such a f*#*ing arsehole. Who's with me?!

[ThePurpleOneIsOverrated]

I'm just sick of it. He's an utter twat who is so f##ing rude and unnecessary. He thinks he deserves a medal if he buys dd a top. He'll put a night out before having her, but will say he puts her first and is his world.

It's all bollocks. All of it. If he's not in a good mood, he's a rude, arrogant, nasty little man, who has no concept of what it is to be decent.

I want to scream, I am so angry, but I can't break or crack. I have to pretend everything is fine. He doesn't. He can just throw some nasty comments at me at the door, completely unjustified and then drive off.

I can tell dd hasn't had a nice time. She's in a strange mood, so I suspect he hasn't been good to be around.

Honestly, part of me would rather he just didn't bother, but dd would be crushed.

This isn't supposed to be a man hating thread, but I'm sure I'm not alone, so just needed to vent really.

Thanks.

I feel your pain. My son was meant to be going to see a special family mediator because of the way his dad has treated him, and his dad has just cancelled it. I’m fuming. My son had some big stuff to get off his chest and clearly his dad is scared of hearing it!

Never, that sounds infuriating and incredible selfish.

I've just had enough, like I did 6 years ago, except I can never properly walk away.

Completely agree. My daughter barely gets to see him yet loves her dad. I always find her behaviour difficult when she returns from seeing him and she takes out her bad mood on me.

Sometimes I feel completely overlooked. I put so much time, effort and money into raising her and it feels totally unappreciated. He spends an hour once in a blue moon doing something he chooses with her and he's the best father ever.

He lets her down all the time yet she makes excuses for him. I fail to wash the trousers she wants to wear once and I'm a terrible mum.

In time the children will see them for what they are. My ex apparently was too sick yesterday to see kids and over slept today. So I waited an hour then went out. Neither child was fussed and if they had the choice would rather not see him.

Bet they see themselves as father of the year though.

My DD is 11 and I think she has worked out that dad could put more effort into seeing her, he just doesnt. I thought maybe their bond would get stronger once she had her own mobile and they could interact without me in the middle but nothing. It's a shame he lacks effort because she does love seeing him but I dont think it will last forever.

Shiny Your DD is just venting on you because she's secure in the knowledge of you sticking around. She knows if she said this to her dad, she'd be punished by way of him disappearing.

The thing is, I don't want her to find out the truth, but I know she already is. She says things like, he never keeps his promises, he makes her feel awkward when they're alone together and prefers his dp around.

He still calls me with a really arsey tone about how he's run out of things to do with her, which usually ends up with him dropping her off early. She has asthma, but let's both his enormous dogs lie on her bed, so pretty much every time she goes, she's wheezy and has to have her inhaler. His reaction.....get another dog. We have a dog I should say, but I'd never let her sleep on her bed!

TaliZorahVasNormandy - that's exactly what I've been advised by her paediatrician - she is secure enough in her relationship with me to vent her anger and frustration. It is still hard going.

It's hard to not say anything in front of her about what a crap dad he really is. He tries to spin it as if I'm restricting his access or he's working overtime. His parents make excuses for him. I don't want her to know he doesn't make her a priority but also don't want to help conceal it.

She's already working out what sort of person he is. You can't prevent this, and you shouldn't. If you talk about him in a way that's totally at odds with the reality of him as she experiences him that sends a really confusing message. You don't have to run him down, but you also don't have to reframe things or try and make him seem better than he is.

It's horrible to see their realisation. You saw what he was like as an adult, and you want to protect your children from that. But he is the cause, and he will be the loser. It's sad that your daughter is losing something as well, but again you are not responsible.

Don't engage with him outside of anything to do with your daughter. If he can't be civil to you at drop off/pick up then he doesn't come to the door. If he starts on the phone, hang up. If he's aggressive/nasty via text, block. You only have to facilitate contact, not put up with his nastiness. You left him for a reason.

Have we got the same ex???? It’s been six years now and he’s got no better. I have to be the sensible, nagging, nurturing, ever present parent whilst he gets two nights a week, gives them a ready meal and watches telly all night, yet I’m always the one that gets the flak for tiny little things. It feels like all the responsibility and none of the happiness sometimes. I had a moment of revelation recently when he had a go at me over nothing - in front of the kids - and I decided there and then to only have contact by text and not get into polite conversation at pick up any more. I’ve tried to be civil and amicable for the sake of the kids and it’s been six years now (he left me for someone else) and actually things have just got worse rather than better. So I feel it’s time to try and take back some control / self-respect!

As my DS2, who has ASD, turned 19 exH emailed that ‘according to the consent order’ he no longer has to see him eow. Even though he still sees DS3. It’s like he only saw DS2 because the court ordered him to whereas I thought he actually wanted a relationship with his son. DS2 can be a bit stubborn and is very quirky but he’s more like a 12/13 yo than your average 19yo. So parenting his DC with SN ends once he’s left secondary education then? Also, exH’s house isn’t DS2’s home, apparently. Tosser.

Originalfactory I took that decision about 2 months after we broke up. Best decision ever. Our dc were old enough that arrangements could be made pretty much through them, and everything was regular and constant. After the first few nasty comments and picking a fight in front of the dc I sent him a text. Drop off at the kerb, don't phone me, don't speak to me, text me about the dc if necessary.

He can't co-parent, he's bitter and immature. So I have nothing to do with him. He sees the dc regularly, I'm as mature as I can be about him, but honest. I'm flexible, encouraging and have always done whatever I can to help maintain their relationship with their dad. But as far as I'm concerned, he's a stranger.

EllenJane I think tosser is generous in that context. How can a parent think so little of their own child. What a bastard.

nicenewdusters how old are your kids? It seems to have taken me far too long to get to this point! I think that because he is immature and manipulative I felt too anxious to send a text like that, and because I was reliant on him to do some drop offs and pick ups when the kids were smaller, if I was that blunt he would stop cooperating. Now they are teenagers it’s a lot better and I don’t have to pretend as much that we’re ‘friends’.

Forget the idea you have to hold it together all the time and never say a bad thing against him.

It's unrealistic, it's not healthy for you and it's not healthy for dd.

I did this initially and I hugely regret it, I learned much later it made dd hold back with how she felt.

Far healthier to be honest & open and even have a little humour about how shit he is.

My ex is also shit. At this point he hasn't seen dd for years (his choice but he tells people otherwise. Dd and I know truth and that's all that matters), when she was younger & still seeing him he treated her poorly. Some of it ignorance, some of it to try and make my life harder. Neither acceptable.

Please don't make the mistake I did and allow dd to feel she can't complain or confide in you.

Myshinywhiteteeth - that's a phase and it won't last BUT nothing wrong with reminding her YOU are the one that's really there for her (she knows this really) when she's through this phase she will show she knows the reality. What tali says about her being able to vent at you due up feeling secure in your relationship with her is true too.

Tali - similar here. When dd got to an age she had her own phone ex could no longer claim I was interfering and preventing contact. Instead it became blatantly obvious to dd that he just couldn't bother his arse. Utterly heartbreaking. He now has her blocked - yep he's blocked his own dd.

If it helps - I saw a recent pic of my ex kinda by accident. He looks old, knackered & miserable! And I know through mutual acquaintances he IS thoroughly miserable and regrets our breakup and his current situation (he cheated, OW was pregnant, they've since married and had 4 more kids which I honestly believe is not what he wanted). Meh he made his bed!

Originalfactory my dd was too little to do that at first so I arranged handovers to happen in public place (HIS local supermarket car park) that stopped him shouting/swearing/name calling bullshit as someone who knew him would have witnessed.

It was pre phones you could block people but I used to just ignore all the angry texts and only responded to anything directly related to dd. Not saying they didn't still upset me sometimes but like hell was I letting him know that!

OriginalFactory 13 and 11 now, we split 3.5 years ago. Eldest has always been quite mature and sensible (and was/is his favourite so he wasn't about to muck them around !)

It does depend entirely on your circumstances. I can see that if things had been different for me I may not have been able to act like that. For various reasons, not least because of a great MN thread I was on at the time, I decided I just wasn't going to have him in my life. We'd actually had a pretty good relationship previously, but hit a massive crisis and a really nasty side to him emerged. That wasn't a side I was prepared to deal with.

Thanks for the replies. It’s helpful to know I’m not alone in my situation or how I feel!

Mines is in high school now and often makes her own arrangements to see friends then texts her dad saying I'm going swimming on Sunday now so il see you another week! I read her texts and wonder if they are rude. Then I remember all the times he has made other plans and not even had the decency to let her know he's not coming.
You reap what you sow.