I need your help and advice re. my kids

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Please!

4 yo Ds, 2 yo dd. Both strong personalities. Son quite sensitive and reactionary, daughter Is strong willed and prone to violence (!).

The last 6 weeks or so have been pretty hellish in terms of them fighting. It always escalates very quickly, so little time to step in before hand.

When they fight I separate them and warn them that if their behaviour continues we won't do XYZ. They'll generally both be screaming like mad at this point.

Beyond this there's a lot of name calling and low level back chat going on from DS which I feel always escalates matters. Lots of "I've got more that you", "you're a stinky poo pop" type stuff. In trying to referee everything I'm feeling rather swamped. Should I be coming down really hard on this low level stuff? Everyone says pick your battles, ignore etc. So I don't know if that's jus standard 4 yo stuff that I should just let slide, or if this sort of behaviour needs to be clamped down on.

Please help!!

I'll admit I only have the one, but I've always been really hard on the low level stuff, and I've found it's never really escalated (but I realise it could be down to her personality!)

I find it easier to just have a line in the sand drawn - we don't call people names, we're not unkind, we don't hit or push. I think having degrees of "bad behaviour" allowed makes it difficult for small children to figure out boundaries - why can they call someone a poopoohead at home but not at school?

I sort of agree @greatbigwho can I ask what your consequences might be in that situation. Immediate withdrawal of toy? Coming straight down from table if it happens there etc?

I would always keep an ear out and try to step in and steer their play/interaction in a positive direction when things might be about to go south. It's hard work and exhausting for you, but you might be able to shift the paradigm that way.

Lots of praise for any nice thing "wow, that was a really kind thing to do/say to your little sister, well done. What a wonderful big brother you are". When the little one inevitably gets it wrong, a firm word to her of "no, we don't say that" or such, but not too much attention for negative behaviour. However, you can engage him in being the bigger kid at that moment - "Oh dear, that really wasn't nice of her, but let's show her how to behave properly because she learns everything from you you know. Can you show her what speaking nice and kindly looks like?".

At that age you can really lay it on thick and they lap it up. You'll feel like an OTT idiot but it makes such a difference. Praise everything you can with lots of smiles until you make yourself sick. Lead little games they can enjoy together and bond over (act out the gruffalo, go on a bear hunt, basically anything that is fun and you can keep the pace moving so less room for squabbles).

You can do this though! At two and four their relationship and behaviour is very shapeable.

@SleepWarrior thank you so much! Really helpful. I do generally praise the good, and today I was trying to get them to engage in games as a team - hide and seek etc. When occupied they're ok, but as soon as it's 'dead time' they get competitive. Tonight was who had more bath ducks, and then later who had more space on my lap whilst reading a book. But I will definitely try more of your techniques.

Can I ask what you would do about the name calling etc?

And you're right i feel like how we deal with this behaviour now could really influence things (no pressure!)

Name-calling, so long as it isn't done really nastily (like yelling/snarling in the others face or violently) I would just quickly steer away from "Er, no thank you DS. NOW who's having a yoghurt for pudding, come and choose your flavour from the fridge", said in a overly upbeat tone. That sort of thing.

I think it can be hard for little kids to really know how to get out of the situation where they've made a mistake and they can end up in a spiral of making it worse as you call them out on it. So (especially right now while you're trying to make a big push to turn things around), swiftly ending the situation (but not totally ignoring) and plonking them straight down on a different track where they can quickly go back to behaving nicely again is helpful.

As things hopefully begin to get better and they seem a little more chilled/happier, you could then start encouraging more in the way of apologies etc ("Hmm, that wasn't nice was it? If someone did that to you how would you feel? Sad? Yes, I think that's how dd is feeling don't you? Can you think of anything you could say to DD to make her feel better?" blah blah blah, it's painful stuff!)

BTW, I'm no expert in any of this, it's all just my own experience. I find it goes in cycles where I let things slip a bit and the kids behavior gets a bit...frictiony...and these are the sort of things I do to pull it back into line. It generally works pretty well and I kick myself for not getting it together sooner!

Thank you @SleepWarrior tbh experience =expert in my book. And this is a new stage for me. Not quite sure how to handle it!