Help! We shout too much at our children

[Crazy1602]

Don't know where to begin. Basically I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time. I have two young children (6 and 4) who are my world but I don't enjoy my time with them as much as I should, I struggle and worry constantly about them. I think a lot of this stems from my relationship with my husband. Hes a good man and I love him, he has supported me through thick and thin. I have depression and he has cared for me and loved me through my darkest days, but we are very different people. He is a good dad but has a violent temper and shouts regularly at the children which I hate. For years it's slowly been escalating and I know it's not right but I say nothing and hate myself for it. It's rarely physical but there is such anger in his words and tone and coming from a violent father i hate hearing it come from him. I've brought it up once or twice and freinds and family have but every time it gets turned on me for not disciplining them enough/at all and it all falls on him (I admit I'm not the most consistent parent, when I'm on medication for depression I am a complete pushover and when I'm not on medication (currently not) I too shout too much at the children. I hate that we parent this way and hate that every family outing ends in drama and shouting and tears. Sometimes I feel like I have no personality of my own and that his personality is rubbing off on me and that is why I shout, as I never used too. Sometimes I think about leaving but I know I never will because I am too weak and really don't think I would cope living on my own. I've no family nearby and have grown apart from them and don't have many freinds. I came from a broken home and know how hard it was for everyone involved. My husband is a good dad and the girls love him, I just wish we didn't shout all the time and actually enjoyed our time together as a family.

A divorced home is not a broken home.
My daughter was living in the home of a broken marriage - now she has two wonderful happy homes, which are not broken at all.

You think your husband is supporting you through your depressive episodes. How much is he actually contributing to them in the first place though?

How good are your family? Can you reverse the growing apart? Why are you so far away from them?

My family live in London, I live in Newcastle.

I’m living with a depressed partner and I hate to say it but I hate how his depression has ruined all of our lives. Sounds like your husband feels the same. To be blunt it sounds like time to look at ending the relationship and moving on for the sake of the children

You should both read how to talk so children will listen. It changed our lives.

If he shouts at the children and is sometimes violent then he's not a good dad. You've taken the first positive step by recognising that you both have a problem. Unless he can see that too, then the best option for your children is for you to separate so that you can give them the positive role model that they need.

Ending the relationship isn't going to stop your partner shouting because he will have access to the girls so he will probably still shout.
Sometimes shouting is necessary and far to of her I see children pussy footing around children that are quite frankly allowed to act like feral animals.
Out in the big bad world people shout, I don't think we are doing children any favours in completely sheltering them from raised voices and letting them make all the decisions, they don't know how to they are children.
You and your partner need to work on the shouting. How you would go about this I don't know but it seems like he may have some anger issues.
The worrying part is you say it rarely gets violent, so sometimes it does?

Shouting can be worked on, violence should be a deal-breaker. A good dad NEVER hurts his children or the mother of his children.

He isn't a good dad or partner, this is why you are depressed and not enjoying life. The relationship does need to end for everyones future happiness. The fact that you said you are too weak to leave is an indicator that you know deep down the relationship is not right

The toxic home environment is not good for your children, I know this is a difficult situation for you but its the only way forward

Change how you view separated parents in your mind - my daughters dad and I live in separate homes but as a poster said above, neither are broken - we are both far happier individuals and this is reflected in our daughter who spends time in two happy households.

'Rarely physical' doesn't sound good.

I was raised in a home with a father who was always furious for various unguessable reasons, and 'rarely (but sometimes) physical.' Believe me, it's left scars. My sister and I are only now starting to talk about it in our fifties. We both wish our mother had walked.

How sure are you that he isn't a cause of your depression?

WRT shouting at your children, I agree with PP - How to talk so kids will listen is a life changing book. Even more life changing imo is Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen. It transformed how I parented overnight, from shouty and guilty and tense to stable and confident. I just did exactly what the book suggested and it always worked. Lovely, kind, fair guidelines on how to raise children and set fair boundaries.

He isn't a good dad at all OP. I bet your depression will lift without living I this environment.

He is a good dad but has a violent temper

These things cannot both be true.

For years it's slowly been escalating

Abuse always escalates.

It's rarely physical

So it's sometimes physical?

coming from a violent father...

This is what your children will be saying in 20 years time whilst they describe their own abusive relationships. It's up to you to break the cycle.

I'm sorry, but you should leave. Your husband is not a good man or a good father.