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Original poster

He’s cheating? Or considering it

22 replies

fucksakefuck · 15/12/2018 02:11

Dh been for his annual get together with college mates tonight. I know there’s one woman that has a soft spot for him but it’s never bothered me as I trust him.

He’s come home late, blind drunk thumping around so I woke then fell asleep next to me. His phone must have been in his hand as it was under my shoulder so I’ve just gone to put it on charge and there’s a message from her on it - fairly obviously part of more conversation that’s been deleted.

I don’t know to do - my head is telling to just to end it as he wouldn’t be getting messages without having encouraged it.

OP posts:

cigarettesandcoffee · 15/12/2018 02:13

I guess it really depends what the message says?

Can you access his message thread or is it just the lock screen you can see?

BitOfFun · 15/12/2018 02:14

What does it say?

Original poster

fucksakefuck · 15/12/2018 02:14

It says ‘I reallly wish I had made different choices xxxxx’

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Idontbelieveinthemoon · 15/12/2018 03:25

I don't think it even matters what the context is; for me if you need to hide conversations or delete them, you're already on the path that leads to cheating.

You need to work out your next move. Discount him and his needs/wants; what do you want? To continue trying to hold onto someone who might have one foot out the door?

Original poster

fucksakefuck · 15/12/2018 03:30

I do not want to be with someone that is not 100% in it with me.

Reading it back I can not say for sure that there necessarily was any texts that happened before this but there had to have been something said between them at the very least.

I’m gutted but this can’t be my life

OP posts:

Reccy2018 · 15/12/2018 03:39

I wouldn't say that indicates he had cheated tbh. Perhaps she's thrown herself at him, and she's saying she regrets it, or that she regrets not getting with him in college even?
Talk to him tomorrow, his reaction will tell you a lot.

Original poster

fucksakefuck · 15/12/2018 04:42

Maybe @Reccy2018 but it’s obvious she fancies him and he must have encouraged it in some way or indicated he felt similar for her to message like this.

For what it’s worth I believe he genuinely loves me and will regret whatever it is but that’s not enough for me to stay if he’s off tarting.

OP posts:

Reccy2018 · 15/12/2018 05:06

I agree it's likely she fancies him, but if there's no evidence of deleted messages, it's not clear she's messaged out of the blue or you're right that they've flirted, he's encouraged her etc. All I'm saying is, as an outsider that doesn't know the parties, that one message doesn't seem to be proof he has done anything wrong. In fact, it could be she's thrown herself at him, he's pushed her away and said I'm married and love my wife, she's said "I've always liked you" and he's said "I'm going home to my wife now". Then she texts "I wish I made different choices..."

Like I say, his reaction when you ask to see his phone, or all him directly about that message, will definitely tell you more about how guilty he is feeling x

Escolar · 15/12/2018 05:16

I agree with Reccy - the wording of this means it could be a one off message, he hasn’t necessarily deleted the others. And it doesn’t necessarily mean he was encouraging her either. Talk to him, OP.

LookImAHooman · 15/12/2018 08:20

Saying this gently, OP, but as PPs have said, you really need to talk to him about it because there’s absolutely nothing in there that says he’s done anything wrong. Could well be this woman trying her luck (especially after a few vinos).

Regardless of that, though, I’d be looking more at your own feelings. If there’s nothing else going on in your relationship and everything is fine, your reaction is a bit of a jump. Hope you get it sorted.

Original poster

fucksakefuck · 15/12/2018 09:59

I’ve asked him and he said nothing has gone off and he doesn’t know what I’m on about. Recently a male in our broader friendship had an affair and I was very vocal in saying that I wouldn’t stay etc so he knows that admitting anything would end our relationship.

There’s a video on Facebook shared by one of others, hes with his closefriends and she’s the only female there and they are very close talking.

OP posts:

Jayfee · 15/12/2018 10:05

If you are thinking of ending a marriage over one text, there must surely be more issues between you both.

Bluesheep8 · 15/12/2018 11:25

The wording if that text doesn't suggest to me that it was part of a longer exchange. Sounds like a one off statement. Made by someone who has had too much to drink. And may well actually be regretting it now.

Tenpenny · 15/12/2018 11:35

When another woman sends your husband a text like that with 5 kisses on, its definitely been part of a conversation, and theres definitely been some sort of encouragement from his side

Your instincts know there's more to this too op. You both need to have an honest discussion about the future.

mummmy2017 · 15/12/2018 11:38

And what if he was telling her how happy he is with you.

That they missed their chance together and he wouldn't change a thing...

That she is in an unhappy relationship..... And I really wish I had made different choices...

Do not mumsnet talk you into believing he is anything but innocent till you have proof...
And don't go on a witch hunt.

Pinkyponkcustard · 15/12/2018 11:42

Couldn’t it be about drinks? Regretting too many shots that kind of thing?

AIBU123 · 15/12/2018 11:43

And has he shed any light on what she was on about?

Original poster

fucksakefuck · 15/12/2018 12:09

We’ve spoken today. He says he has no idea what the text relates to and is adamant that he hasn’t said/done anything wrong.

Backstory is he used to be a little bit famous (is that an oxymoron?) and was a renowned womaniser. We’ve been together 11 years/3 dc and since we met he’s been completely faithful and very devoted to me and dc.

I had very strong feelings in the early days of our relationship that if he showed a hint of past behaviour etc I’d end the relationship so reacted last night with that in mind.

I’ve spoken to my friend whose dh was there, she drove them home and said they were all absolutely blind drunk and making odd noises so him not recalling any conversations with the other woman is plausible. She def fancies him, I’ve noticed it in the past. I’m going to have to settle for it was one sided on her behalf and potentially they had a heart to heart type conversation that he can’t recall (or admit to)

OP posts:

Thespace · 15/12/2018 12:11

Des she mean she wishes she had made different choices in life ie been with him years ago or something?

Paddingtonthebear · 15/12/2018 12:18

I would keep a close eye on this. Something very similar happened to me, female friend who always seemed to be around socially when I wasn’t. It was brushed off as just friends bla bla bla. It didn’t feel right but there was no actual evidence of anything. We split up nearly a year later and he was plastered all over Facebook with her within a week.

yuletidiness · 15/12/2018 12:25

Has he messaged her to ask what she's talking about?

Original poster

fucksakefuck · 15/12/2018 14:53

@Thespace I was assuming so.

@Paddingtonthebear he sees her at the annual Christmas party and the odd mutual friend wedding when we’d be there as a couple. I don’t believe this is part of anything bigger than a probable flirtation on a night out.

OP posts:

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