Is my toddler normal?

[belleves1517]

My 2 nearly 3 year old will not listen. She is defiant, and only prepared to do things her own way. When she is naughty and you try to explain to her why she is being punished, she doesn't appear to listen, refuses to look at you or acknowledge you. She will throw tantrums, and really struggles to pay attention when you talk to her. Nursery are struggling with her and have recommended she sees a behavioural therapist. I am conflicted, undeniable she's hard to handle and I don't want to be one of those parents who dismisses criticism of their child out of hand, and doesn't get them the help they need. But equally I don't want to have her written off as 'behaviourally challenged.' if she's just acting out. Any advice?

She sounds exactly the same as my 2 nearly 3 year old. It’s hard work but she seems pretty normal. Although the polar opposite of my older child.

Oh gosh, so so normal. Frustrating and a bit hellish for you, but very normal. You will of course ALWAYS have people who have kids who are PERFECT and NEVER do this etc, but from my experience it is normal! They grow out of it, if you persevere with teaching etc, if that helps x (mum of 3)

If nursery think she needs help don't ignore them. They've seen LOTS of kids and usually don't flag unless something needs looking at. You don't get brain plasticity back. If she would benefit from early intervention the sooner she gets it the better. Any type of help she receives will do only that help her. She doesn't sound very happy. Targeted 1:1 help could make all the difference.

Not called The Terrible Two's for nothing
'behavoural therapist" my arse , to channel Jim Royle.
Be consistent with you want/don't want her to do, reward the good,ignore the bad. Honestly! we've (mostly) all been there, OP and to help you get through it.
Honestly, it'll pass..

Thank you ladies. I think she gets a bad press because her little sister is such a people pleaser. Little sis just wants to have cuddles and laughs at everything, where as Big makes you work for everything you get from her, and she does not care for your approval. But she has really advanced emotional recognition and is one smart cookie. Maybe she's just not cut out for nursery and needs a bit more time put into her? Child minder perhaps?

Completely normal for kids to test boundaries. That's how they find out where the boundaries are.

What are the strategies you're using with her at the moment?

She broadly is happy, and to be fair a lot of the time her tantrums are 'warranted.'
For example she tried to climb a step ladder at the garden centre the other day. I asked her to come down and she said 'Don't worry Mummy, it is sturdy and I am safe.' and to be fair she was right, it was bolted to the floor, and for anyone who wasn't a loony toddler it would have been perfectly safe. When I removed her from the step ladder she threw a fit, so she had to sit in the car with Daddy until she was ready to calm down and behave better. And when she came back in she gave me a hug and was much better, But it's just a million of these battles everyday, with her go to response being 'Hmph, I can't! No!!' and I think nursery are just getting fatigued with her, which I can relate to. I find her quite hard to discipline, because if you take her toys away, she makes the best of whatever is left, and if she's in time out she just makes up stories or songs.
Is there anything you would recommend?

Thing is, it DOES sound normal. But we haven’t seen her and they have. The nursery staff between them will have seen hundreds, maybe thousands of toddlers in their careers, so they have a lot to compare her too, and they think there is an issue. What’s the harm in going along with the referral? What negative consequences might there be, in comparison with ignoring it if there is an issue?

I hate three. It's the worst age. They can be such arseholes.

I agree with IgglePiggleWiggle nursery staff see a lot of children. They aren't being judgemental, they're seeing something outside of the everyday. Please take any help they're offering.

I highly recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. Some may seem too adult for her at times, but I have a child of a similar nature - generally happy but hates being told no, gets very frustrated easily (this has improved as she’s got older). I read it last year when we were at our wits end with her behaviour and tearing our hair out. Within a week of changing our approach based on reading the book (and believe me, DH was skeptical but willing to give it go) we saw a huge improvement in her. I also recommended it to my sister who had issues with her younger DS and it helped them too.

I would agree to the referral as they don’t say these things lightly. I have ASD. It’s not clear if DD does or not (she’s 5) yet but she’s certainly very like me at the same age. I’ve talked to her school and we are taking a watchful waiting approach but if help or assessments were forthcoming I would take them.

Also it’s not easy raising a strong-willed child!

Thank you everyone. I will buy the book, keep an open dialogue with nursery and keep you posted