Grandmother very unwell and not sure how I feel

[Notsurehowifeel0]

Not really sure what I'm asking for with this post to be honest. Just fell like I need to get it out I suppose.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my grandmother. She didn't have a great relationship with my father and I don't see her very often. Was fairly close when I was a teen but not now as an adult. She went into hospital a few days ago with an infection. All seemed ok but she's 91 years old and has gone downhill quick. family has been called in the doctors have talked them through how ill she is and asked how they feel about resuscitation. She's been put in a side room and her (adult) children are allowed to stay with her outside of visiting hours. It's looking like she may die.

I feel so strange! I thought I would be fine because I don't have a relationship with her but I feel so sad despite not having seen her for a couple of years.

Is it normal to feel so mixed up like this? I'm surprised by how much it's affected me. Has anyone else lost a grandparent who they weren't close with and felt like this? Feel like I should be fine and like I don't really have the 'right' to be upset because I don't have much of a relationship with her.

I can understand this, my Nan died 3 years ago tomorrow, very suddenly. I hadn’t seen her for a few years before she died, and was never close to her growing up.

When I was told that she was dying (didn’t come round from an operation and on life support) I was so torn, whether to go and see her or leave things as they were. I chose to visit, felt like such a fraud as it really upset me, I also felt like the rest of the family were judging me.

But I did feel better for saying my goodbyes, whether or not we were close she was still my Dads Mom, and she’d been a part of my life at some point.

My maternal Nan is hours from passing away, I was much closer to her, and I definitely feel differently this time, I feel like I have the right to be upset this time round. I think I felt more guilty and had a lot of regrets with my paternal Nan.

Families are such strange things, and grief cannot be measured.

My thoughts are with you and your Nan.