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Scared and pregnant

25 replies

Carlyb392 · 13/12/2018 12:54

start?!

I've been with my boyfriend 10 months and am 10 weeks pregnant with our first together. I'm guessing this should be a happy time in anyone's life? Sadly not for me. Dont get me wrong, I can't wait to be a mummy but my life with my boyfriend is a rocky one. If you asked him, he would say it's my fault. 100% me. I apparently start arguments, I annoy him, I wind him up, he's told me I'm lazy (apparently you just need to get on with it in your first trimester), I need to get my hormones under control and "it's rubbish that you are effected by hormone changes when pregnant". The list is endless

Some history behind us. We through our sons being friends a few years ago (although his son isn’t his, the mum doesn’t want him) but he seems obssesed with this child and makes out he does nothing wrong and Ive had relationships where I'd been cheated on. We soon clicked and got on we'll and started a relationship. It was apparent that he didn't have any close friends but is someone they enjoys his own company which is fine with me. I have lost a lot of friends through him well everyone we may as well say.

He has a temper the only thing that keeps him calm is weed. He gets caught up in the small stuff that he creates into big stuff. Arguments are generally started by him. I have around 20% of an input to arguments where he says the rest. I generally get told I have no point to what I'm saying and he continues with his very valid points hmm! I generally cry as I get so upset by his shouting and things he says and am the one who always apologises because it's never his fault. I've learnt not to voice how I feel as much as it's fuel to his angry fire and instead listen to him, say very little and apologise. On the occasions I call out his wrongdoing I get accused of deflecting blame and it's not him that's wrong. He never apologises. I think he is socially awkward through a lack of friends and this in turn means he doesn't know how to behave around people and I am everything to him. Wife, best friends, general friends. He doesn't believe in getting close to friends and thinks I am too dependent on my friends. He gets frustrated if I get a text and want to reply straight away and I have to ask if I can have anyone visit me at home, but no one actually comes round anymore anyway.

I’m too scared of being on my own to leave him, I think all he really cares about is this baby and doesn’t love me at all (he says I’m his world and couldn’t live without me)
He tells me how rubbish my mum and dad are to me, but how wonderful his mum is (she kicked him out when we got together) not the first time either.

I want to make it work but how can I talk to my boyfriend when he won't let me it listen and not think I'm making excuses. I just want to explain how I feel?!

OP posts:
CormoranStrike · 13/12/2018 12:59

Run, run away now.

53rdWay · 13/12/2018 13:06

You can’t make him listen, you can’t get him to see, there is nothing you can do. You can’t talk someone round into treating you well.

He is going to keep on shouting at you and criticising you and cutting you off from your friends and your family. Leaving will be hard, but staying will tear you to pieces. Get out now for your own and your children’s sake.

Bluetrews25 · 13/12/2018 14:43

It will NEVER work, you cannot fix him.
He will get more abusive and controlling.
You will be better on your own, if he's told you otherwise then that is more emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. Rebuild those friendships you have lost because of him.
Saying this gently, but do you really want to have a child with him, and be committed to having to deal with him for the next 20 years or so?
Good luck OP, and think hard about your future.

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stabulous · 13/12/2018 14:52

Get as FAR AWAY FROM HIM as you can.

AdamNichol · 13/12/2018 14:53

He's cutting you off from the rest of the world, and justifying it (to himself and you) as it being best to make yourself the whole world for the other. That's not love, it's obsession and turns dangerous easily.

You are not responsible for how he feels or acts, nor can you control how he feels or acts. And the weed won't be helping his sense of perspective.
He needs help here to see what he's doing. He cannot get that whilst you're supporting his behaviour. You need to escape for you, for him, and certainly for the children. Perhaps he'll wake up. Perhaps not. It's not something you can control.
There's another thread on MN about someone who's trapped in an abusive situation, but let it drag on until she'd burned all her bridges to elsewhere. Want this to be you in the near future?

Oh, and I'm hugely socially awkward and the most insular/lonesome person you're likely to meet; with no friends since high school. Doesn't mean I don't know how to treat another person with respect - don't give him excuses (I'm sure he's full of enough of them himself).

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2018 14:55

Having a child with this man is a huge mistake. You need to very quickly make some very big decisions. The first of which is ending this abusive relationship.

Slurpy · 13/12/2018 14:59

Oh love. This is NOT a good relationship. Not by a long stretch. You would be better on your own, and it's certainly not the kind of behaviour you want a child exposed to. It will escalate, it will get worse. Leave now.

Carlyb392 · 13/12/2018 18:30

Thank you all for your responses I know what your saying is right but I’m so scared...I can’t have an abortion but I spend my days and nights crying I have my 5 and 7 year cuddling me...I know it’s not right. Honestly there all that are keeping me going. I don’t understand how someone can be so cruel? Especially when you are carrying there child...his nan is dying in hospital but says it’s nothing to do with me it’s family stuff but this is the man that goes round calling me his wife??? Not that he’s been to visit her which is another thing I don’t understand??

OP posts:
Carlyb392 · 13/12/2018 18:32

How can I rebuild them friendships they all hate me now, I doubt if they would listen to me 😢

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 13/12/2018 19:06

They won't be hating you, they just need to know what you have been through. Your friends may have withdrawn, but I hope will be ready to support you when you reach out to them. Please do this.
Please think really hard about the pregnancy - this will give him a big impact on your life for decades. Will you be able to deal with this? This man might get really, really nasty.

Carlyb392 · 24/02/2019 06:57

Currently 20 weeks pregnant on Monday I fled an emotionally, physically abusive relationship....
He was arrested and bailed first thing he did was contact me and I fell for the tears and how much he loves me.
Well last night I found out he went back to his ex wife (I suspected there was something going on all along).

Some history;
He attacked my 5 year old autistic son he had him by the throat...in front of my 7 year old son who suffers with aniexty. He shook my 22 month old daughter twice and threw her in a chair shouting what a spastic she is etc.
Last night I found out he tried to strangle my 7 year old son and shove him just 2 weeks ago.
He had me up by the throat when I was pregnant, pushed me about continuously pushed me about, damaged my property emotionally told me how fat useless ugly I am it went on for months threats to kill me and my family...
I’m not alllowed home my family hate me for what I put the kids through.

Now I’m faced with being a single mum to 4 children I don’t think I can do it not again.

How can someone be so in love with you and want this baby so much just to turn round and be so evil?
I’m such a mess can’t believe it and then he’s gone back to the ex who cheated on him twice lied about him being father of the children. When all I did was love him.

OP posts:
fleshmarketclose · 24/02/2019 07:22

Oh gosh you don't see it now but you should be so thankful that he has gone back to his ex, he could have killed you or one of your children, strangling is a major red flag.
Have you contacted the police? You need to report this man's actions to them and get help to keep you and your children safe. There will be other posters with great advice on soon. Contact Woman's Aid and get some support for you and your children.

Carlyb392 · 24/02/2019 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fleshmarketclose · 24/02/2019 07:40

So when you read your last post can you see why you should be so glad that he is gone? Get all the support you can and take it day by day but being single mum to four children won't be anywhere near as hard as living with the animal who has abused you and your children believe me.

Mumof1DS · 24/02/2019 07:57

Please get you and your children away from this man for their own safety. You're their mother and need to keep them safe.
Of course you can do it on your own, you've got this. Head over to the lone parents board for support.

Livid21 · 24/02/2019 08:00

Life will be so much easier for you away from this abusive addicted waste of space.

thefirst48 · 24/02/2019 08:03

It will be hard now but it will get easier. Focus on finding you and your children a safe place to live. Your family won't hate they, they just maybe in shock.

Carlyb392 · 24/02/2019 08:05

Well yes it was never going to get better only worse I’ve lost my home, friends and life cause of this person.
I’m currently sleeping in the floor with my children as all the refuges are half way up the country I’m severely depressed and need to be near my mum.
It still hurts though everything was a lie I’m not a bad person why treat someone this way and he’s just happy with her and I have no one he should be in prison for what he’s done what if the cps find him not guilty.

OP posts:
millimat · 24/02/2019 08:12

Op things can only get better from now on. Have you contacted women's aid or similar?

BedraggledBlitz · 24/02/2019 08:30

You've had such a rough time but I agree with others that you are better off now. Honestly reach out to your old friends, when they hear what you've been through they'll understand and give you a chance. Sending lots of love x

PepperSteak · 24/02/2019 08:31

OP I’ve reported your post and you might want to do the same as you’ve written your kids names. Please know you have made the right choice.

Carlyb392 · 24/02/2019 09:20

Yes I have he's in a suspended sentence for gbh, common assault, battery etc but the suspended sentence runs out next week he's currently on bail but breached it, got away with it as police bail is worth nothing? He's threatened my mum we have the texts shown them in my mums statement. So far my autistic son has been video interviewed. Next is me and my other son.He's been charged he said with 4 common assaults and criminal damage. He has previous DV and gbh etc

OP posts:
formerbabe · 24/02/2019 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carlyb392 · 24/02/2019 11:55

Will it ever get better?

OP posts:
TheFrogsLegs · 24/02/2019 12:04

Your life will be immensely improved long term by having nothing at all to do with him, now or in the future.

You and your kids will be far better in your own.

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