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DV trigger warning, leaving my ex. Had enough.

4 replies

ChuckawayUsername001 · 13/12/2018 11:23

I’m 19, live with an ex boyfriend (his house) he doesn’t mind me being here as he wants me to continue on with him I don’t because he’s very abusive.

While I have to live here it’s not safe for him to fully know my intentions are serious - he thinks I’ll get back with him. I’m doing my best to access help to get out... these are the hurdles I’ve faced in the last five weeks.

Can’t claim universal credit as exes income is too high.have also been told due to being under 21 I likely won’t be eligible for housing allowance side of universal credit if I get a place of my own but still unsure of that (CAB advised me of that) I’ve explained my situation in depth to the DWP and asked for reconsideration and I have an appointment at the local job centre next week in hopes they’ll allow me to claim. But for now that’s up in the air.

Council will only house me if I have confirmation I’m being made homeless which includes contacting the person I live with (my ex) who will no doubt tell them everything is just peachy and then I’ll catch hell for it. That or I need to report ex to the police and provide the council with evidence of that. They won’t listen to me that I’m at risk of being hurt by him again if he realises I’m serious but say they won’t consider me at risk of homelessness unless I can prove he is abusive/a risk to me. They also say that due to my young age they expect me to go back to my parents - another thing I can’t do (again due to abuse - but I have evidence of my parents abuse). The council will not back down and an under 25’s housing charity I contacted agree with the council, I’ve tried contacting women’s aid and am on their list for the next freedom programme however they have no shelter spaces they can provide me at this time, but something “may” come up within the next few weeks, I’ve gone for a meeting at the local WA office to discuss it. The “most likely” spaces to become available are about 40-80 miles away (I’ve been given a small list of the likely locations) but I’d cope with that, in fact it’d probably be a good thing given my exes nature. I’m worried about next steps after that but I will cross that bridge when I’m safe.

So far at least for now my options are call the police and report it and hope I don’t end up stuck with my ex afterwards (genuinely believe he’d try to end my life) or just try to sort this all out myself. I’m concerned that if I reported him to the police at this stage the council would get stuck on something else and I’d be left with nowhere to go and a rabid ex boyfriend.
I’m just feeling so shit I’m doing all of the “right” things that the guides say to do and nothing is happening, I’m worried my ex will click that this isn’t like the other times. At the moment he’s just patronising me and rolling his eyes and saying “yeah, yeah I believe you” in a sarcastic tone. If he knows I’m trying to take steps to get away from him I think he’ll switch quickly. I’m just feeling so fucking disheartened that everywhere I turn I’m coming up against another obstacle

OP posts:
HippoLatte · 13/12/2018 11:56

Oh god, that's an awful situation to find yourself in. So I completely understand why your parents are a no-go, but what about someone else you have a connection with? A sibling, cousin, aunt, old school friend or if you are religious someone from your church? I know it wouldn't be ideal but it would be a start and you'd be away from him (which is the best decision you're making).

ChuckawayUsername001 · 13/12/2018 12:22

I’m not religious,
Have no family I could approach for help - the only family member (sister who’s 15 years older than me) I have lives abroad now. I’d love to be able to just go and sleep on a family members sofa but it’s not an option for me sadly. I’ve been isolated from most of my friends so I wouldn’t even know how to approach any old school friends for help.

OP posts:
AdamNichol · 13/12/2018 12:40

Firstly, congrats on finding the strength to do what needs to be done. I'd like to say that's the hard bit done, but I think you know that's only partially true.

If there are no likely options in terms of a refuge, it sounds like your only real option is to go to the police and report the violence; making it clear you have no safe place to go to and fall upon social services to assist (tbh, I have no idea about their capacity for this, or obligation for someone over 18).

I'm assuming you don't have any funds - otherwise a cheap B'nB may give a couple of days safety while a charity to come up with something? You'd need ID too.
I'm a bit too long out of DWP to advise on the current options around social justice; but a frank conversation at your appointment could induce them to engage the local welfare team. Again, I'm not too savvy on the capacity / obligations...

AdamNichol · 13/12/2018 14:55

NHS website advises telling your GP. Can you get to an appointment?

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