I am autistic and struggle with relationships. My family have issues respecting boundaries and I struggle to enforce them. They expect too much from me, I have always been expected to do more than my share for the family and take more responsibilities than my siblings or cousins while also being the one that is blamed for everything. In my family I am expected to be the fixer while also being the scapegoat when things are difficult. I'm always the one to blame and I can't do it anymore. I'm never asked if I can or want to do something I'm told that something is happening, usually five mins before it does so I can't refuse because then everything else falls through.
I've taken a few strong painkillers and sleeping tablets (more than recommended but not enough to be dangerous I just really need some sleep and for once to shut the noise in my head off) and hopefully a lot of this is coming to a head because it’s a pre period meltdown/pms or whatever you want to call it combined with a shutdown heading into meltdown after spending a day in Birmingham with a friend then three days in London as amazing as they were they were busy in a new place and now I’m processing everything that I've done over the last four days and reprocessing that I’m missing my friend who is living in london at the moment a lot more than I thought which sucks. But if it is my mental health spiralling again Its in direct response to my family which means I’ll have to cut my family out somewhat for my own good and that would kill me.
While I’ve been at uni my mother has redecorated half the house and my room has become storage so I can’t even get into my bed so I can’t escape. She’s gonna help me sort it ‘soon’ because she knows I need my space so it should be done in the new year if past experience is correct. I have a list of things that I'm expected to do tomorrow but all I want to do is get on the train and leave. I'd head to my uni house and grab my passport and some extra clothes and then go. I'd empty my bank account and then head to the rail station or airport and see whats going where for the cheapest price and see where I end up and then call my family to let them know I'm safe but have no intention of coming home at least for the time being.