Please help! My anxiety is returning and I'm on my own.

[NotAgainPleasee]

I've name changed for this.

My daughter was born 2.5 years ago. When she was around 3 months old, I suddenly developed terrible anxiety. No one knew really. To the outside world I appeared exactly the same but inside I was battling the most crippling anxiety.

A lot of my fears revolved around death. Well, leaving my children motherless or something happening to my children. In all honesty, my fears were more that I or the kids would develop some kind of terminal illness and that either I'd have to tell them I was going to die or that it would be the other way round and I'd have to watch them suffer.

I actually became physically ill. Lost weight, felt like I was going to pass out frequently, yellow coloured bowel movements etc (sorry TMI) and I was convinced "this is it!!" But it was just the anxiety causing my symptoms. I also had a breast cancer scare, palpable lump so that one wasn't completely in my head, but I would be petrified at the sight of any little mark on my body incase it could be serious. I didn't want to look in the mirror or have a shower for fear or seeing something else.

I never thought I'd come out the other side of that, but I did about a year ago.

A lot has changed since then though. I've gone NC with my emotionally abusive mum and my dad has sided with her which has been very hard to deal with. My husband is also deployed with the armed forces so I have spent the last 6 months on my own with my DC.

Around a month ago, I noticed that I'm worrying irrationally about things. I also began having intrusive thoughts. I'm the last week, one of the school mums has been diagnosed with cancer and she's in her 20's. DD is having a flare up with her asthma. I'm just feeling myself slipping again and I can't find my feet.

I don't want to go back to where I was. I'm scared!

I can't go to counselling just now (very long story as to why but it's just not an option for the time being). Does anyone have any suggestions or words of advice. I'm on my own and it's just hard not having anyone to open up to. I feel so alone.

I hear you op and have just come out of the other side of one of my periodic phases like this. You know one thing I find helps is to tell people. Yes it can be awkward, you don't have to go into detail (I say panic attacks, or a generic depression). For me the anxiety worsens at the knowledge I'm harbouring it all in my head abd the minute I acknowledge it out loud it kind of takes some of the power away from it. Another thing for me is medication. I was on 10mg citalopram already and saw the gp, blurted it all out and got increased to 20mg and it's been a life saver.

Because I'm able to say this now (I wouldn't have been able to this time last week or month), you are going to be ok. Remember you came through this once and you will again. Sometimes we have to ride it out. Mind your sleep and your alcohol intake if you drink , I also found in my case coffee is a trigger. Make sure you eat even if you really don't want to. Drink lots of water (I never do but know I should). Try and get fresh air. All the usual stuff I'm sure you know already but it all really helps.

Please get this book on Kindle: Dare. The New Way to End Anxiety and Panic Attacks by Barry McDonagh. It is very eye-opening. Instead of trying to run from and fight your anxiety, you learn how to embrace it which takes away it's hold on you. This book really changed my life because it actually makes sense.

Hi OP, are you okay Sweet ?
If you need to regulate your breathing at all, then sing out loud !
You have health anxiety, by your description of how you are feeling. I think most new Mothers become overly concerned after giving birth, because our babies are so helpless and precious, it's part of being a new Mum. Unfortunately, with everything that's been going on around you, it's reared its ugly head again.
However, like everything else in life, it will come to pass.
The best thing you can do presently, is confide in someone, you'll be surprised how many other Mums, will recognise how you are feeling.
Go and see your GP, he/she, my be able to help. Don't suffer in silence, because that is what you are doing right now, reach out !
You will not go back to your previous state, because you are not going to allow it to take hold, you are stronger than you give your self credit for, you have managed to beat it before, and you can do it again.
Sending love and strength, you can do this.🌸