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Are you a confident complainer, and do you teach it to your children?

14 replies

wanderings · 12/12/2018 14:00

It's often said that many people can't or won't complain about bad service, or things going wrong at school: perhaps because we're too polite, don't want to cause trouble, we feel sorry for the person who has to take the complaint but can't do anything about it, and so on. There are loads of threads on MN "AIBU to raise this with the school", "AIBU to complain about builders wolf-whistling", "AIBU to complain about upselling in WHSmith" because we hesitate about if it's the right thing to do, rather than just doing it.

As a young adult, I found complaining very difficult: I'd be expecting a reply of "oh stop moaning" that children so often hear when they are growing up, I found it very hard to separate childish moaning from legitimate complaining. I often lived with the problem, instead of complaining. A couple of times I witnessed my mum raising hell in shops when she was overcharged, or boldly telling off teenagers on a train who were stampeding all over the seats, using phrases such as "I shall not hesitate to get the guard" in her best teacher voice. These didn't turn me into a confident complainer, in fact I think it made me hesitate all the more, feeling that you had to do it like that!

Nowadays I do complain if I have to, but it doesn't give me any pleasure to do so. If I get a discount for having complained, I almost feel that I've cheated the company, not the other way round! On the other hand, you hear of people who take a businesslike approach to complaining: after paying for anything, from a train journey to a holiday, they make sure to complain about something, so that they might get a voucher.

There are occasions where speaking out can actually be disastrous: re the teenagers on the train, some people might reply now "she shouldn't have done it, they have knives now", and if speaking out is referred to as "whistleblowing" or "grassing", that's usually considered bad.

Do you actively teach your children about when it's right or wrong to complain? It's actually quite complicated knowing when to speak out, and when not to, there have been many threads about individual cases. There was a thread some time ago about a teenage boy in class messing about with a condom, which the teacher totally ignored (AIBU to complain about teacher doing nothing?). There was another about if a child is playing up, and one of the well-behaved ones says "Miss, so and so is messing about" it's actually more disruptive, but it can be hard for a child to understand that.

OP posts:
Jasonmendoza · 12/12/2018 14:13

I'm a big complainer if need be, but also a complimenter too. So I'll email a complaint (last one when a cinema smelt of piss), but also email if I think something deserves a compliment (last one thanking a bus company for their courteous drivers)

Sitranced · 12/12/2018 14:19

I wouldn't teach my children how to complain. I'd teach them how to be assertive.

Nesssie · 12/12/2018 14:57

The same as Jasonmendoza - I'm known to complain if things aren't right, but I think I'm fair about it. I also compliment when deserved and write positive reviews.

There's a difference between complaining and moaning though, and between things that can be controlled and things that can't (bad weather, power cuts, crying children etc)

MaMisled · 12/12/2018 15:07

I only ever complain if ive received truly bad products or services and im a pleasant complainer! Grown up DC have taken on my way of doing things. Ive taught them to compliment great goods/service, however.

BoswellandForshort · 12/12/2018 20:00

My mum is a brilliant complainer. I am most definitely not. I don’t think I’ve complained about anything in my life Blush

ASauvignonADay · 12/12/2018 20:10

I'd hate to be a complainer. Yes, assertive, but not a complainer. I find them really embarrassing and it's not necessary.

Oblomov18 · 12/12/2018 21:01

I find complaining really easy. As I also do find it equally easy to praise.

Why do you find it so hard to complain? What is it that you fear/worry about?

Witchend · 12/12/2018 21:27

I don't complain often, but when I do I expect to hear an apology.
I also compliment much more often than I complain.

Justmuddlingalong · 12/12/2018 21:31

I would say I'm assertive. But it only came with age and experience. I appreciate good service etc and compliment it, and only complain if I think something really warrants it.

Hellywelly10 · 12/12/2018 21:33

Ive worked in retail in the uk and i think its a myth that the british put up and shut up. I would only complain if i was overcharged food was truely inedable. Ive distanced myself from people who are rude to people in the service industry.

wanderings · 12/12/2018 23:27

@Oblomov18 Why do I find it hard to complain? Many reasons, but more so when I was younger, and old childish habits die hard. At home, my main complaint would be my brother deliberately winding me up, and I would hear replies such as "don't tell tales", "ignore it", "don't be so sensitive"; so I think I gained the idea I wasn't allowed to complain about anything, and the habit stuck. Yes, I know, not the same as complaining to a company, but I didn't "get" that.

Even now, I still have the old fears of being told I'm being silly, being laughed at, even though I know full well that whoever I speak to in customer services doesn't know me at all. Also because in my ideal world, everything would run perfectly, so complaining wouldn't be necessary. Wink But of course the world is not like that.

OP posts:
iLoveFoood · 12/12/2018 23:32

If needs be yes I will complain because why feel too polite to complain for a service you're paying for. Why pay good hard earned money for a meal that takes way too long to come and wasn't up to scratch, or a cocktail you paid €10 for that clearly isn't fresh.

We are all way too polite imo,

For example in work when you pass someone and nod or smile and they ignore you, I've just stopped doing it. Why be nice to people when they don't feel pressured to be nice to strangers either

Nesssie · 13/12/2018 12:44

Hellywelly10 Being rude is inexcusable. You can complain without being rude.
Its important to realise that most the time, the front of house staff aren't the ones that have caused the problem and/or don't have the power to sort it out.

Hellywelly10 · 13/12/2018 21:26

Yes ness being rude to people in the service sector is horrible and sadly all too common. Sadly in my experience people tend to complain when they have unrealistic expectations or they want a discount (or freeby).

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