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Original poster

if you grew up with no money and now you are financially comfortable...

39 replies

nomorearsingmermaids · 11/12/2018 10:46

...do you live with this awful, grinding fear of it all being taken away?

Let me start by saying I know how lucky we are. I know it has piss all to do with hard work. I am grateful for it every day. I grew up in a single parent household and my mum used to work an 80 hour week doing two jobs to pay the bills yet we were constantly on the breadline, worrying about where next month's money was coming from. The threat of having no money was always there and even now, when DH and I are financially comfortable, I can't shake that fear.

We have a major thing to pay coming up which is going to wipe out the entirety of our savings and I feel scared of DH losing his job (or me losing mine, but he earns far more than I do), or getting ill etc and being unable to work. I can never ever relax and enjoy my life because I am always worried it will be taken away from me.

I wonder if this is left over from my childhood or if I am just irrationally over-anxious.

OP posts:
IsThereRoomAtTheInn · 11/12/2018 10:52

I know what you mean.
I keep a savings account to feel secure.

If you are spending your savings now (which may well be the rational thing to do!) Would it help to start a regular savings plan straight afterwards to come out of your current account? I know I am more relaxed knowing that I have that.

dameofdilemma · 11/12/2018 10:53

Yes I do and yes I thînk it's influenced by not taking financial security for granted.

The world is divided into those who have a safety net (family wealth, inheritance, parents with a home big enough to house you all if it came to that etc) and those who don't.

I want dd to grow up with the safety net I never had so she can have choices I didn't have (eg choosing a career she likes rather than solely fir financial reasons).

MIdgebabe · 11/12/2018 10:53

Totally get you. if it s anything at all optional, I could not wipe out all my savings, just in case.

Interested in this thread?

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General money
sloeberri · 11/12/2018 10:55

I get you. It’s become less constant but I love quite frugally in order to have a back up plan

Babdoc · 11/12/2018 10:57

I think you’ve already diagnosed it, OP! It almost certainly relates to your childhood.
I also grew up poor, but after qualifying as a doctor had a good income. I worried for 20 years that I did not have enough savings “ just in case”.
Whatever I put in the bank, it was always about £10K less than the amount I thought would make me feel secure!
You could have some counselling, but also if possible start saving again after the big payment you mentioned. Having a few months salary in the bank should help to ease the anxiety and reassure you that you have a bit of reserve for unexpected bills. Also take out life assurance and critical illness cover, so you have peace of mind if you were unable to work.
Hopefully, the more years you spend in financial security, the more your childhood anxieties will fade. Mine eventually did, despite being widowed with two babies and only a part time hospital post at the time.

jessstan2 · 11/12/2018 10:57

There are plenty of us who grew up relatively poor but are well off in later life.

What dameofdilemma said about wanting daughter to grow up with safety net is what I want for my offspring, I want them to always feel financially secure.

I enjoy my income now, am not flash, don't feel it will be taken away from me (how?), it's nice to be secure and I can help others (quietly).

Somewhereovertheroad · 11/12/2018 10:58

I have been able to relax and don't really have the same anxiety.

I am however very anxious for my kids. They have no idea what it's like to have nothing and they don't listen when I try to tell them.

I fear for the future especially with Brexit.

Sarahjconnor · 11/12/2018 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bestseller · 11/12/2018 10:59

I wasnt poor as a child but we were when we were first married.

I don't feel "safe" unless we have 1 year's salary in savings !

Original poster
nomorearsingmermaids · 11/12/2018 11:00

Sadly the outlay is not optional, it's not like a new kitchen or a wedding or whatever, it's something we can't get out of paying.

I'm glad to know it isn't just me that feels like this. It's also played a part in our decision to stick with one child. Two just makes me feel really panicky financially.

OP posts:
Original poster
nomorearsingmermaids · 11/12/2018 11:01

I don't feel "safe" unless we have 1 year's salary in savings

For us that would be over 100k! To say that just seems so awful. We couldn't save anything growing up. To my mum savings of even a grand would be an absolute fortune.

OP posts:
Bestseller · 11/12/2018 11:03

Yes nomore. But I don't think it's unreasonable actually. I've always saved 10% of everything I've earned so once you're set up it's not that much really. When we both lost our jobs in the same week, it helped a lot to know it was there.

YogaPants · 11/12/2018 11:06

I relate to this. In my case it is more like @dameofdilemma has described about a feeling of having a safety net - my parents were divorced and i moved between them a lot but grew up never feeling that anything in our houses belonged to me and they all could be taken away in an instant without my consult. I have trouble spending money, especially on things like furniture, because even things I have bought for myself as an adult I don’t quite believe I own and I worry i will have to leave them behind. I also like the security and sense of independence savings in the bank gives me.

Original poster
nomorearsingmermaids · 11/12/2018 11:07

We are focusing right now on saving as much as possible so we have some left in the kitty after we pay for this. Knowing that does help the anxiety.

Most other couples I know don't seem to feel like this and I expect the difference is they grew up in middle class households and now have mortgage-free parents with large houses/family money etc.

DH and I are both working class by background. His parents do own a small house. My mum owns her house but she still pays a massive mortgage on it in her mid-fifties.

OP posts:
Original poster
nomorearsingmermaids · 11/12/2018 11:09

Do you know, I also worry about our relationship in the event of us having no money. Ever since we got together we've always been able to go out to eat, buy nice food, pay for days out with DS, not have to worry about getting the washing machine fixed if it breaks or getting a new sofa or whatever. I wonder how we would deal with the pressure of not having that stability.

OP posts:
WhatHaveIFound · 11/12/2018 11:10

We were relatively poor growing up and my dad worked all hours to earn enough to pay the mortgage. I suppose we were lucky that they were homeowners but there wasn't much left over and often a shortfall at the end of each month.

I find i'm very careful with money and like to have a chunk in our savings account. DH is a spender rather than a saver so that makes me a little anxious at times.

I noticed that even though my parents are well off now (mortgage paid off finally) they're both still careful with money and my mum hoards tinned food.

beachcomber243 · 11/12/2018 11:12

Yes I have that fear. My family were not well off at all, I saw my mother sick with money worries. I have never been well off, always very much struggled for one reason or the other. However I have simple pleasures so always manage to enjoy myself on little money.

I'm on my own now so no one to back me up. I am income poor, asset rich...and I too am truly grateful for that. However I worked, scrimped and sacrificed to have what I do have. I've been sensible, careful.

I have a lump sum in savings, the majority from an inheritance. I dare not touch it, can't really enjoy it, would hate to waste it, it's ridiculous. But knowing it's there makes me feel secure and futureproofed.

canigetaliein · 11/12/2018 11:13

I would just caution that you don’t provide too much support for your children as I think it takes away some drive or maybe it’s a personality thing. As someone who grew up comfortably it’s great that I know I will never be homeless etc but my mother was very strict in terms of paying rent when I was home & ive always worked, having hand me downs, etc. Some of my friends are mollycoddled & spoilt which I don’t think is a good thing. One lost his job & didn’t get another for over a year as mine took his fancy. His parents were happy to pay his mortgage even though they gave him 200k deposit. Another one repeatedly gets into debt as her parents pay it off.

Original poster
nomorearsingmermaids · 11/12/2018 11:21

As someone who grew up comfortably it’s great that I know I will never be homeless etc but my mother was very strict in terms of paying rent when I was home & ive always worked, having hand me downs, etc.

I absolutely agree with this. My sister is 25, lives at home and has to pay rent which all her MC friends are completely appalled and baffled by.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 11/12/2018 11:23

I look at it that no matter how poor I get the poverty I see now was nothing like the poverty we had as a child growing up in a cold rain sodden northern town in one of the worse estates in the country (even now)

If it all got taken away tomorrow I would find the positive in the situation and think there was nothing holding me here and I would earn enough to set myself up in a very very cheap Spanish/Greek village and start again.

I am someone who can turn my hand to loads of things. I am not good in situations where I have to do the same thing over and over. So I would probably end up working behind a bar whilst working as a painter and decorator and share my home with AIRbnb holiday makers.

I would look on it as an opportunity to reinvent myself.

I am ever the optimist

Freezingheart · 11/12/2018 11:32

I understand this. We weren’t poor but there wasn’t extra money and at times when I was younger and on my own (early twenties) I had very little. That horrible feeling has never really gone. For me I try to save and I never buy unless I have to. I virtually never buy frivolously like for clothes or things in the house. I walk every where. I only purchase something when I absolutely have to and the old is broken. It actually drives some of my family a bit bonkers - on the other hand I’ve developed a strong (and i feel very healthy) belief that happiness comes from within and not possessions.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/12/2018 11:39

I had the weirdest childhood when it came to money - we were either shopping in Harrods or starving for months on end

This means I am completely unable to save or hang on to money - it doesn't matter how much I earn I never have one penny left

SparkyBlue · 11/12/2018 11:44

I totally get it. Both myself and DH come from very similar backgrounds with unemployment being a regular feature and when our parents were working they were in low paid jobs. My DH is now senior management with a major multinational and rather than ever complain about him answering emails or doing a lot of work from home I am eternally grateful at the lifestyle and comfort it gives us. I am able to be a sahm whereas my poor mother spent years standing freezing waiting for unreliable buses to get to her minimum wage job. While DH works very hard he feels his life is so easy compared to how things were for his own dad.

vickibee · 11/12/2018 11:48

My Dad was a miner and I well remember 1984 strike, we and many others had nothing and had to rely on charity to eat. At 14 that was a hard lesson to learn and I still carry those thoughts with me now.
I am a saver too and still fell anxious despite having a bit put by because I realise that hardship can come to anyone at anytime

TJEckleburg · 11/12/2018 11:50

Completely.

I grew up poor. Had great career and married a man who also had great career and went on to have spectacularly well paying one whilst I SAH. Post divorce I live in a huge house with no mortgage which I’ll be downsizing from in few years and have 7 figure sum in bank to live off plus maxed out pension pot.

And I still worry that the cash machine will say no every single time I go to it. I know intellectually that it won’t, but my gut feels it might and I feel a flush of relief when it spits money out.

And I still find it quite difficult to spend money. I mean- I manage to get over that, but it’s not entirely comfortable and I have to mentally justify it to myself.

I took DS to New York last year and decided to “splash out” on a helicopter ride, which still makes me feel hugely extravagant- but I’ve justified it as acceptable because it was an unforgettable experience for my teenager. I go away with a couple of girlfriends every year and stay in swanky hotels- which I justify as allowing them to stay where they want. I used to buy expensive clothes and justify as being necessary to fulfil my role as corporate wife- my “at home” clothes we’re still bought from Tesco and primary

I’m v happy that my kids will grow up with security that gives them choices, but also happy that I’ve managed to teach them the value of hard work and earning/saving your own money