In January it will be a year that me and my boyfriend miscarried. We wasn't trying as im only 22 and was in uni at the time doing nursing.
No one knows about it as I keep feeling im too young for anyone to take me seriously.
Its been a crappy year, my partner has a 10 year old son and at first I felt angry at him. Its not his fault I know, but I was just angry at the world, why him and not my child? Is my child not good enough? I know that we wasn't trying for a baby and that we're not ready as financially we couldn't do it, but I all I've ever wanted is a family and to be a mum, and although it wasn't planned I can't help but think what if. Also lots of people are having babies around me who are my age and I keep thinking maybe it could have been right for me. I wouldn't feel so lost in the world if I had this little person to love and need me.
My partner is amazing, and all this year had been my rock and so understanding, even though his own distress.
Its taken until November this year for me to even feel ''ok'', but as it rapidly approaches to 1 year I feel I may dip.
I feel that I never really gave myself time to grieve, I had 4 days off uni and went back because I didn't want anyone to find out because I thought they would judge me. I've also had to accepted changes in my body, I'm two stone heavier, my breast are so large now that it hurts and my mother has even told me that I need yo watch my weight gain but she has no idea whats happened. Nothing fits anymore or looks good anymore, and its just a constant reminder of what happened to us.
The stress has now resulted me failing my first year of my nursing degree, so I have to take a year out. Which at first I was angry. But now im thinking I need it. I need to take the time to grieve. But im not sure I know how.
^^Thanks for listening X