3 year old won’t say sorry - help me please!

[icebearforpresident]

I’ve just announced a punishment to my 3 year old which will break my heart if I have to follow it through!

Last night she hit her sister (5) round the head with a doll and refused to say sorry. And now she has just bit her and again, is refusing to apologise.

Not going to lie, my first instinct was to smack her which of course I didn’t, but I did yell. Not a lot, but I was loud. She refused to apologise. in desperation I brought out what I thought was the big gun. I told her if she didn’t apologise she can’t go away on a long planned trip with my mum and her partner this weekend. It’s been long talked about and she knows that pony rides, trips to soft play etc are all planned. I genuinely thought this would get an apology, or even an acknowledgement that she knew she has don’t something wrong but despite lots of tears she still won’t apologise.

I know I need to follow through on this but god I don’t want to! I’ve got plans this weekend, nothing out of the house just general Christmas prep, and to be perfectly honest was looking forward to having the house to myself (husband working all weekend). And my eldest daughter will be upset if her sister doesn’t get to come.

She’s generally a good kid but the excitement of Christmas is getting to them both, they have been winding each other up and my eldest has came out worse.

Any tips? I’m at my wits end right now fighting every instinct to say it’s ok and she can go!

Could you make a big show of packing bags to show her you mean business? See if it prompts the apology.

Is she in any way sorry?

If yes - then acknowledge it, and let her come round to expressing it in her own time. Its hard to apologise when someone is yammering on about it. Even rational adults dig their heels in.

If no - well tbh she's 3, she might not be sorry. An apology under those circumstances would just be forcing a lie.

What triggered the hitting and biting?

Forcing an apology doesn’t actually teach her to feel sorry for her actions.

She’s 3, you’re wasting your time and are being unrealistic.

You model good behaviour and when she hits, there are natural consequences. You move away from her and put her in time out.

When mine hurt the other, I’d do that. Apologies were taught but not forced. Now they’re 7&9 and they apologise as appropriate.

Or work together on a "sorry" card for her to give her sister - an apology by stealth.

Btw that sounds like a massive and disproportionate punishment for a 3 year old who you admit was wound up by their older sibling, at an age where she is still developing impulse control. The punishment will punish a lot of people, and she won't learn from it. At 3 there's no way she has the maturity to link the hitting, the lack of apology, and forced to miss the weekend. I would perhaps suggest a tactical withdrawal from that threat.

Honestly at 3 I wouldn't focus so much on an apology. Have an immediate penalty for hitting (time out, loss of a toy or treat) and give approval if they apologise.

I don't think it is fair to cancel someone else's activity. Now you've said it, maybe you can get them to earn it back by doing something kind for their sister.

When my dc were little they would sometimes say sorry by doing sign language, or giving a hug. That seemed less scary for them.

No trigger as such, just being silly and it getting out of hand as far as I can tell. They share a room and sleep with their beds pushed together. It was just after we had put them to bed, DH and I came down stairs, few minutes of giggling then a scream.

Tonight I put them to bed, could hear a bit of chatter but no nonsense and another scream.

I like the card idea.

Is she at nursery? This has been a really long term, all the kids are over tired and over excited. Its also 9pm, you said you've just said it. She's too stressed and tired to cave in tonight.

Deflect from the current situation, calm her down, maybe a bath and bed. Then tomorrow have some nice quiet time, a few cuddles and a game. Get everyone in the right frame of mind, then have a chat about how sad her sister was at being hit and bit. Keep very calm and see if the apology is forthcoming, you are probably going to have to work quite hard at keeping her calm and well this week though. Lots of early nights.

You can probably get away with still letting her go, I followed through years ago on not letting DD go to pantomime after similar behaviour, I regret it to this day.

I think you probably need a and some quiet time too.

Good luck

Please don't waste your time on trying to make a 3 year old apologise. She won't understand and even if she says it, she won't mean it and it won't stop her from doing it again.

Similarly, don't worry about your trip this weekend, of course she can go. We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment and by letting it go doesn't mean that's she's won - she's 3, they are not capable of thinking like that.

Do keep an extra beady eye on her though and make sure that the hitting stops - remove her/objects/her sister if she could do it again. Distraction is key. It's a stressful time of year and everyone is tired.

Well if she can't behave at bedtime then put the 3yo to bed earlier and separate the beds. That's a more natural consequence of her actions, tell her she has an earlier bedtime instead of cancelling the trip.

The punishment was not my first instinct, we built up to it from asking her to say sorry, asking her to give her a sister a cuddle as a way of saying sorry and various other threats. I asked her if she knew she had done something wrong, she said no. I asked her if she would ever bite again and she said yes.

This all happened well over an hour ago it took me an hour to calm down and write the post. Bedtime is 7.45pm.

I have separated them for now, my eldest is sleeping in bed and the youngest is here with me under a blanket. My husband is at work otherwise the beds would have been separated already but it will get done tomorrow.

I am a cm. tbh 3 year olds are very stubborn.
You are making saying sorry into a battle .

I would get up tomorrow new day .

Further behaviour towards sister loads of attention to sister .

Are you sorry is a better way of phasing it . Bear in mind she might not be because she is 3 . Lots of attention and praise for good behaviour .

Don’t get hung up on one word. It drips of my own Ds’s tongue sometimes he means it sometimes he says it as a way of resuming the status quo.

Earlier bedtime is a good punishment. Will teach her consequences and can be adapted if needed.

Rather than making her say sorry, ask her how she thinks it made her sister feel when she was hit/bit. Would she feel want to feel like that? Are you sad that you made your sister upset? And so on.

Always remember that she might not be sorry cause the older dd did something to her first.

Sorry cross post is youngest sleeping with you ?. I would of put the oldest in . She has got special mummy attention for this.

Can I just add 3 is a really tough age . People think of terrible two’s , three can be far more demanding ime.

I’d suggest next time there’s a sibling fight you spoil the big sister there and then with cuddles and make a big deal about her injuries. Ignore the 3 y o altogether: that may prompt her to apologise unprompted

Sorry, my 3 year old (not actually 3 until next week) is down stairs with me, not in bed.

I suggested that she draws a special picture in the morning for her sister which she has said she will do while at playgroup.