Help please with 50K

[tesla1970]

Hi everyone, first post, awful situation and I could really do with some advice.

I've just agreed a settlement for a horrendous episode in my life.
I had to give up working in the field I was in because of what happened (and what I'm rightly being compensated for) I had to attend court and fought to the bitter end to get justice. I have this now ✅

Since I left my employment I have been self
Employed and covered all childcare for our young DC.
I've also paid for all food, holidays, clothes.... and everything else that's not a fixed cost.

DP pays for mortgage, electric, insurances etc and everything else that is a fixed cost.
He says he has no money at all left over each month for himself.

We have also gone into debt. An equal amount in each name.

DP wants all debt to be cleared first. He thinks this is fair.

We live in an expensive area I want to move house to a cheaper area so I can have a room dedicated to my work. I want some of the money to go towards my new career.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

I'm in bits.

Do you believe him that he doesn't have money left? You don't sound like you do.

It does make sense to clear the debts, but I get that s combination of not quite believing him about the money and needing the money to do something positive as an emotional reparation of what happened, would leave you in bits about this.

Pay debts first then decide on what to do if their is any money left over, me and dh are in a similar situation as im about to come into some money and he wants us to put it away in savings and i want a new car, we will come to a comprimise and if it doesnt happen when the money arrives then the money will go into savings until we can decide.

Definitely pay off debt first, then see where you are after that.

Agree with paying debts off first. That leaves you with a clean slate.

Why are you in bits?

It sounds from this message that you have both been contributing to the combined household expenses and are equally in debt as a result.

Definitely the first thing you should do is clear off all debt. The money you have been given needs to give you back control of your life after an obviously difficult time. Having no debt is crucial to that and to your marriage.

Then you can look at what is left and decide what to do. Is he against the move in general or just wants debts sorted first? What are the pros and cons of a move for you, him and for you all as a family? I can understand that you want this money to be a positive start for a new life but try not to get so blinkered about that you can't make good decisions.

Can you pay off debts, have a small treat to celebrate the win and say goodbye to the past and then put the rest of the money in savings until you feel less raw and can talk properly?

Thanks so much for your replies.

I know he's not putting money away but he's very selfish with his own money and any money his family have given to him in the past for he and I, he has spent on himself.

Because we're not married (and to be fair our relationship has been very up and down with my moods caused by the situation that has led to settlement) I was thinking we draw up a legal agreement whereby any money spent on joint debt could be taken out of house equity should we decide to split at in the future?

Sorry you have been through such a shit time. At least now you can move on and you have some choices.

It sounds like between the two of you you aren't earning enough money at the moment and thus getting into debt, is this right?

I think the top priority is to increase your earning power which may require investing in yourself, whether that involves training or moving or something else.

I would def NOT pay of his debt in this situation. I would pay off your own and use it for what it was intended ie setting you up in new career

If you do go down the paying off debt route and new house then yes it should be in a legal document and there should be a way that makes it easy to get at the funds for yourself. Frankly with his "view " on the money and the way he has spent money previously I would be keeping it all to myself!!!

• Since I left my employment I have been self Employed and covered all childcare for our young DC. I've also paid for all food, holidays, clothes.... and everything else that's not a fixed cost.

DP pays for mortgage, electric, insurances etc and everything else that is a fixed cost.
He says he has no money at all left over each month for himself.*

If you're covering everything between you, how has the debt accumulated?

How much it is and what you've spent it on would influence my opinion on how it should be paid back.

The money is to compensate you.for your loss of earnings in your previous career. Definitely use it to set up your new career!
As you are not married I would definitely get a written agreement that any of his debt that gets paid off from the settlement is given to you as first claim from any equity.

Surely it’s family money and you need to take a joint approach to paying off debt.

I

I think it does depend on how much the debt is and how it was acquired eg household expenses as a result of reduced income, probably reasonable to pay off debt as that’s what the compensation is for. If the debt was for personal ‘non essentials’ then maybe not.

It doesn’t sound like you trust him with money, so I can understand your caution.

If you were married I would say family money because at the end of the day in divorce it is all considered the same pot. However they are not married and it is compensation for her loss of earnings in the future thus it should be used to ensure she is able to earn for herself in the future hence why it should be used to invest in her business.

In this situation I’d be cautious about what I did with the money because you have no protection room if the relationship ends. I’d probably invest it in my new business assuming the business would bring in enough to cover your bills and start making a dent in the accumulated debt.