DNR (trigger warning)

[cjt110]

I'm at a bit of a loss.

My Dad's Dad (GF) has dementia. For years he's been confused and has gradually declined.

He's in a care home and doesn't recognise anyone.

My Dad doesn't visit as he finds it too painful and I suppose to him, his Dad as he knew him has gone.

The home have contacted GFs next of kin - Dads Mum (they separated years ago) - and suggested due to his failing health, they ought to consider a DNR.

My Dad is shattered. He never cries and is in pieces. He and his siblings, plus Mum, agree its the kindest way although Dad feels it's like passing a death sentence.

So I have a few things I need advice or experiences on.

1. What basis do professionals suggest a DNR? I'm assuming it's not an approach taken lightly and therefore it's the best way forward?
2. What are the practicalities? Unless a sudden incident occurs, I assume Dad will be informed so he has the ability to see his Dad?
3. Will they nurse GF in a palliative care environment as opposed to resuscitate if required?

I feel very out of my depth and don't know how best to approach and support my Dad.

Maybe your dad doesn't quite understand what a DNR notice is, OP, and he believes that it means all treatment would be withheld from your GF? I think the best thing would be to make sure he fully understands it.

I fell and bruised my ribs and it was the worst pain I've ever had, lasting three weeks. They weren't even broken. The thought of going through that if I was very old and didn't understand things is horrific.

My dad had DNR for just that reason - what's the point in being resuscitated if you have broken bones as a result and in a lot of pain?

My dh refused to visit his parents when they were dying, and completely ignores any discussion about death (I have a potentially terminal condition). I nursed his DM at home to the end and he didn't see her once, his choice but very hard.
I have to accept that's how he is - very difficult when you are seeking comfort and support ( and his mother never liked me so I'm not sure how I did it,)

I agree with Shepherdspieisminging. This isn’t really about the pros and cons of a DNR order, it’s about your dad’s emotional reaction to his father’s illness and approaching death.
Your dad may well be suffering guilt and denial, and also seems to think that a DNR means withdrawing all care, which it emphatically does not.
He needs to talk all this through with a neutral professional, and it might help him to visit his father at least once more before the inevitable happens.
Denial is a very common coping mechanism, particularly among men, but it is not a very effective one as reality always supervenes in the end. I hope your dad can come to terms with what is happening, and accept that a DNR would be the kindest and most dignified approach for his father.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply

Hi OP my gm died last year in the same situation as you are describing. We were with her. She was put onto palliative care, they had a little radio on for her 24/7 and when we went to change someone would sit with her.
It was a nice end to a very horrible illness and resuscitation would have took that calm away.
But like your dad my df felt like he was giving up on her.
I think it's just the grieving process starting.
It's a strange situation as you know the end is sadly coming where as many deaths are a shock and instant. Palliative care you are in tenderhooks for so long waiting for the call.
It really us a horrible illness and my thoughts are with you all.

Just make sure we knows you are there if he need to speak

StressedToTheMaxx Thank you. Perhaps, yes, you are right in that my Dad is starting the grieving process already. Knowing it is perhaps sooner rather than later.

Mum is home now and he knows he can always speak to me.

Resuscitating a person in this physical condition is ghastly for that person.
My auntie had dementia, she was a beautiful lively ground breaking person. Her daughters, my cousins, loved her dearly as we all did. They knew that DNR was the best and kindest path for her.
Dementia is so cruel - it takes them from you before they are gone but I know that physical resuscitation of a very sick person can also be cruel.
My mum was fully in charge of her mental faculties right up to the end. We had to renew her DNR almost weekly. I remember standing at the doctors to hand in the latest iteration of it trying not to cry. But it was her decision having weighed it up and it was my duty to respect it.

In terms of supporting your dad I would imagine that taking all this sort of information to him and giving him the tools to find out more for himself may be quite comforting. Being in control of a situation is often important to anyone. If he feels he has made an informed decision he may feel better about it.
However he is having to think about his Dad dying which is always going to be hard and upsetting. I think what you’re doing by supporting him and checking he’s okay is perfect. Sometimes a bit of time to consider these things is very helpful.