Bereavement and families

[Emma75D]

I’m torn between questioning if I’m being selfish or have the rights to feel what I’m feeling.

I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years.

He has grown up children, the youngest is 22. He hasn’t spoken to his ex in a year and the children had basically cut contact with him blaming him for leaving. He’s stayed in touch by sending texts and gifts on occasions but they rarely respond.

(They were married 29 years)

His children don’t like the fact he moved on and they won’t speak to me.

His mum died on Saturday last week. It was a shock. He was so close to her. He told me he doesn’t know how to deal with grief. Needs to be alone. When he called the children to tell them within minutes his ex called. He had a lengthy conversation with her about his mum and she offered support. He said he was ok.

On Monday he arranged an appt at the chapel of rest so I said I’d accompany him, he said he didn’t want me to, that he needed to deal with it himself. Within minutes of telling me that he contacted his children and ex to invite them to the chapel of rest. The children declined. The ex went at the same time as him.

It left me in tears. I felt like I’m his family too, we share a home, go on regular holidays. Do everything together. He was at my daughter’s wedding recently. I said I had hoped that in such awful circumstances that I’d be the one he needed. He said no. He told me I was making it about me.Now, the family are at his mums sorting through her things. I just feel helpless.

I’ve also been told that by him that I’m not allowed to go to the funeral at all. So the family car will be his ex and the grown children

I feel so deeply hurt. I’m trying to understand his grief and be there for him but he’s choosing to be supported by others.

I’ve tried explaining how I feel and he’s repeating I’m making it about me and to let him get on with it in his way but his way is to involve his ex and shut me out completely

I feel rejected and I feel like I’m suddenly nothing to him

I believe his ex should be there to offer her condolences and to support her children but not in the family car or at his side. She was DIL for a long time but I feel hurt she will be at his side when he says he doesn’t need or want me there.

I had a relationship with his mum. It wasn’t close as I only got to see her once a month if that but we had Christmas lunch together last year. We did her garden for her, took things to her home. Had time there with her.

I’ve sobbed all week and he’s just looked at me as if I’m being selfish. I’m wondering if I am. He hasn’t held me once and I feel so lost. I try to hold him but he says he needs to deal with it alone.

He opened up a bit yesterday telling me about some readings he’s doing on the day (20th Dec) he then said he thinks I’ve taken the moral high ground not going to the funeral. It wasn’t my choice :( he banned me from there.

He cries when he looks at what he’s going to read and it breaks my heart because I know, on the day, he will be broken. But it won’t be me with arms around him.

Im so confused :( please advise

Sorry I think you are being selfish . His ex had a very long relationship with your partners mother whereas it sounds like yours is recent and superficial .
He's upset - let him grieve , what difference does it make who goes in the car? It comes across to me as if you want to stake a claim at being more important than his ex.
You are more important but you don't have to demonstrate it by being in the car and at his side at the funeral. Be a dignified and caring calm support for him at home - that's what he needs- not high drama about who is queen bee! Sorry

Let him grieve. This may be the hardest thing that has happened to him, and it is not about you. It is about him and what helps him come to terms with his loss. Be gracious and don’t be demanding things from him. Bereavement is very hard.

Hi thank you both

I just needed confirmation of how I was being in this and how to deal with it.

I should add that he slept with his ex behind my back in 2016 after a ‘moment of weakness’ so I guess there’s still some insecurity there for me too

Thank you for your responses

He and his children need her there more than they need you. But his grief will continue long after the funeral and you will be the one he comes home to for comfort.

I can understand that this might make you feel wobbly but remember , he has chosen to be with you. At this point you cannot make it about you and need to support him and not be expecting him to be supporting you. He has a very long relationship with his ex and your mil was her family for 29 years + so I can understand why she would need to be sharing the grieving process. She is also a support to her children who will be upset. After29 years she will have strong bonds with the wider family also ,whereas you are in a new relationship and haven't yet been assimilated into the family ( quite rightly).
If your partner has been unfaithful to you then I can understand why you feel insecure; I'm sure we all do ,but this is his time to be sad and not yours.

It is absolutely reasonable for you to feel hurt and I would to. But losing a parent is really hard and hits people in different ways. I do understand why he would want to share it with his ex and children as they would have shared many more of his experiences with his mum than you had. I don't understand why he wouldn't want you at the funeral too (is it possible he's worried about a "bust up" between you and his ex?) but I think you have to recognise that he'll be feeling all sort of emotions at the moment (maybe ones he's never felt before?) and how he's acting now is not necessarily a reflection of how he feels about you.

Not quite the same, but has some of the same issues: My parents separated after a very long marriage (Dad's choice, Mum never got over it) and when Dad died a few years later, he had a partner - we didn't know about her until he died (though we had met her once as apparently "a friend") as he didn't want to make things difficult for us DC. She very graciously stepped back and let us (his DC) and Mum (because she wanted to) organise everything - legally we were next of kin so she had no legal right to be involved, but certainly had a moral right, but she knew as DC our priority had to be Mum. She asked us DC if she could have a couple of mementoes from his home and we let her (but only after Mum had also chosen some and we decided not to tell Mum). She also came to the funeral. I saw her arrive and hugged her outside the crem but she then sat quietly at the back and didn't go to the wake. She was very gracious, given this was her partner who had died - they weren't living together but I suspect had been together a couple of years. I suppose my point is that you have to recognise who the "main grievers" are and let them deal with it in the way that works best for them. Hopefully when he's out the other side and less overwhelmed by grief, he will realise he didn't treat you very well.

If it was me, I would think about going to the service and quietly sitting at the back but being there if he needed you. But only you will know whether he would react badly to you doing something he asked you not to.

Hi everyone
Thank you for clarifying. I’m just a bit of a mess and I’m also grieving too plus still grieving for a close aunt I lost to cancer last month so all those feelings cake flooding back.

I’ll just take a massive stand back and support him when he needs me not when I need to be supportive. It’s difficult to control a nurturing caring personality and stand back watching someone in pain and not being able to help. I loved his mum too.

I won’t go to the service and sit and the back, I’ve neen told his daughter wouldn’t hold back no matter what and I don’t want to be responsible for a row at a funeral.

Thank you all for your advice x