I hate socialising with my husband

[Harramph]

Just a lighthearted rant really. Wonder if anyone’s in the same boat. Christmas party season and all that.

DH doesn’t enjoy socialising but still insists on coming because he wants to have an evening out with me. That sounds nice, but it means he wants me to talk exclusively to him, leave early to be with him or go for dinner, and it also means that from the moment we get there he is preparing to go, or telling me we “need to be off soon” and over the course of the first hour, giving me looks which eventually lead to completely unsubtle gestures, that it’s “time to leave” because he’s bored.

I like to meet new people and friends of friends at friends’ parties, so often start up conversations with people I don’t know. He finds this “crazy” and “Unhinged” so is often hovering on the outskirts of my conversations looking outraged.

He also becomes really needy and pins me in a corner and wants me to talk about him and what’s going on in his life (his work, the kids,) which I actually don’t want to do when I am in a social situation.

He monitors my drinking and tells me my eyes go droopy when i’ve had a few, and then from a distance or even in front of others, keeps pulling his eyes down and imitating me knocking back a drink to show me that he thinks i’ve had too much to drink. He often gets this wrong too as he sometimes says it when I have not had a drink at all but he suspects I have.

In the rare circumstance of him actually finding someone to talk to who isn’t me, he then pins them into a corner and bores them to death about something really technical. Anecdotes which focus very much on a chronological order of events rather than a good story. Eg the last time he did this he explained in great technical detail to some poor woman how he sanded, waxed and polished a table. He is also constantly getting out photos of our children and showing them to others without them asking or without the topic even being the kids. And it’s not just one photo, it’s the whole camera roll. And they are just stuck there with him swiping away.

I end up curtailing my own enjoyment because I feel such pressure from him and other people’s discomfort to leave because nobody is talking to him or the person he is talking to has walked off and he doesn’t know how to strike up another conversation.

Also I like to be quite self deprecating when I talk to others. So I often make jokes at my own expense. He doesn’t like this at all, takes it very literally and thinks that I am doing myself down / have No respect for myself, and often challenges me while I am speaking by saying “you're Not really like that” or “she’s exaggerating...”

Not looking for solutions - I have told him all this before we go anywhere and actually tried to stop him coming, but he always promises he won’t then reverts to the same behaviour every time.

Leave him at home. I couldn't be with someone as needy and controlling tbh. He sounds like a complete arse!

OP, it doesn’t matter why he’s awful to socialise with. You need to be able to enjoy yourself when you’re out without this terrible clog at your heel. My father is autistic and continually bores strangers with endless technical details on some procedure, but the difference is that he hates socialising and will never attend a social occasion that isn’t compulsory. What strikes me about your post is that your husband insists on going with you, trying to monopolise, and hanging around your conversations, even though he hates it — which suggests big time jealousy. He doesn’t want you to enjoy yourself. The pressure you feel to leave is exactly what he wants.

What would happen if you said ‘I don’t want you to come, but if you insist, I don’t want you monopolising me, I don’t want you commenting on my anecdotes and my drinking, and I’m definitely not leaving before 3 am’?

I think PP are taking your post too seriously calling it abusive He's just a bit worried you'll have too good a time and realise your lovely life at home isn't as exciting as he obviously thinks it is.

I agree if it's a dinner, hang out with the girls and let the blokes bore each other at the other end. Harder at a party

Mine can't really see the fun in talking to people he doesn't know and won't see again so I often leave him at home watching wheeler dealers

I find other people's husbands dull at parties I think they make a beeline for me and tell me their hobbies and show me their kids photos.

I find other people's husbands dull at parties I think they make a beeline for me and tell me their hobbies and show me their kids photos

This happened to me at the last party I attended. Four blokes bored the shit out of me over the course of the night while their wives ran off cackling to the dance floor. Why on earth they think anyone would want to listen to their crap is beyond me. Bonus points to the one who actually said "I'm boring you, aren't I?" and then carried on for another half an hour.

Yes, I've spent some time Googling assertiveness etc since.

F

What is his hobby? Trains?

Is he Roy from Corrie?

Do you actually like each other? It sounds like you’re totally incompatible from what you’ve written!!

It sounds like you would BOTH be happier if he just stayed at home.

Yes, OP, my exH was like this exactly. It extended to smaller social gatherings too, like a family dinner of, say, 5 people. He would zone out, just kind of staring at his plate or something, and when someone would ask him something he hadn’t even heard them!

I think there are many reasons why people might act like this; many introverted people are mistaken for rude or selfish. In my exH’s case it was selfishness learned from many difficult childhood years of having to be selfish to get by. In the end, I just couldn’t be happy with him because his needs and wants always came first and we couldn’t seem to fix this or make it work together.

If he does have many other good qualities and this doesn’t seem to be an effect of a bigger issue, then I agree with PPs that before you go somewhere you need to say: “I don’t like it when you X, Y and Z because it makes me feel A, B and C and ruins the night for me. If you want to come and enjoy some time together, please don’t do those things”

I don’t socialise with mine. Love him to bits but id rather go out with my friends. Took dragged him to a localcraft fayre last night. Looked like a lost bloody puppy. No idea how to mingle. To be fair I only took him as my friend was ill.

Op. I have the opposite problem.
Dh will take over every conversation ( you literally can’t shut him up) will get pissed, and I have to drag him out!
So we don’t go to large social gatherings anymore together.
We’re fine on our own or in small groups,
So you really have my sympathy.

My dh wouldn't be great at parties. He prefers one on one social things. He is a good listener and usually ends up being the victim of a party bore telling him his life story. I love meeting new people. Will chat to everyone and am in my element.
I have laid down strict guidelines ( rules!!) If he decides to come he cannot decide when we go home. I am fairly considerate of him so won't stretch it too late. He cannot be complaining on the way home as that takes the joy out of the night for me. If its people l really want to socialise with we take two cars ( we don't drink ) and go home when we want . I am determined l will enjoy the night as l love those occasions. It has taken me a while to get my voice heard here and he is completely banned from saying..we are not staying long are we. I just say l am staying as long as l am enjoying myself. I have a big family and he feels totally overwhelmed by them so heads off after a reasonable time and l get into it for the night. Its like a tonic for me to be in that social situation ..not every week but now and then and l feel strongly about keeping in touch with people so we manage it now.

Op dh and I have a similar dynamic except it him who is VERY sociable and me who isn't.

The best solution I've found is that when we go somewhere I'll take the car & dh will arrange to either stop at a friends house or get a taxi home later. That way I still get to socialise with dh & spend some time with him away from the kids, but then once I've had enough I just nip off.

Starting the night with the expectation that we're not leaving at the same time takes a lot of pressure off both of us.

Where's the op gone?

Surely if he is rude enough to call you unhinged and crazy then you can say no I don’t want to go out with you?

My DH isn't this bad but does get ready to head home (when with me or my friends) at 10pm sharp. Funnily enough he can stay out far longer with his own friends I send him off with a cheery wave now - I'd rather stay out thanks.

Could you send him home ahead of you? He sounds like really hard work.

God just reading it feels suffocating. Just don't take him! He will never change.

The only thing I can recognise in my DP is the planning the escape route as soon as he gets there and knowing he doesn't really want to come. It stresses me out as I just want to enjoy myself so I'd rather not take him. But he is charming company and chatty with people so that's good.

It's outrageous behaviour.

I'm surprised you are still invited anywhere.

Being in the spectrum doesn't make this behaviour OK???

• on the spectrum

(If he is?? The OP doesn't say!)

Tell him you’d prefer it if he didn’t come, as clearly he doesn’t enjoy it.

Sounds very suffocating OP and calling you unhinged and mocking your drinking? Bit controlling really.

My best school friend’s husband did this at my wedding. Told her off for drinking too much and stood at the door of the room the party was in, tapping his watch and trying to signal that he wanted to go. She ignored him. They’re divorced now!

I couldn't cope with this at all, it sounds so controlling and would make me run for the hills. I think couples need separate social lives as well as going out together as standard, but at least when you go out together it shouldn't be one bossing the other about the entire night.

Why on earth did you marry this controlling and dull pondweed.

Couldn't remotely imagine just putting up with this.

Tbh before I became self aware and learnt how to behave in social situations I’d do exactly the same as your husband. I still do with the wanting/needing to leave early and I need to constantly remind myself that a conversation isn’t a solo operation where only I talk about what I want and to redirect it to the other person/people.

I’m autistic and the guy I have an ‘it’s complicated’ relationship with is like this as well, and he’s most likely autistic too. While your DP may not be autistic he is lacking in social awareness, social anxiety and confidence, which can mimic the social difficulties of autism so you can use the same sort of thing to help him though it. Once he’s more confident and less anxious you’ll be fine leaving him to get on with it. But be pleased that despite this he wants to come with you.

It comes from insecurity and a lack of social awareness. Not possessiveness, he wants to talk to you and only you because your his safety net, he knows, loves and trusts you.

When hi is talking to someone else remind him gently when he’s monopolising the conversation and direct back to the other person, and tell him that you’d rather he only share one or two pictures of the kids IF they come up in conversation because not everyone likes them.

This is seriously not ok. His lack of socialising skills are one thing. But the making fun of you, drinking signs, pulling at your top to go?
This is REALLY bad!!