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Original poster

Making contact after being NC?

15 replies

HotHandle · 07/12/2018 14:11

A big argument in the summer has resulted in NC with DM for 4 months now. She has narc tendancies and I’m seeing a counsellor to work through it and really feeling its making a difference to my sanity.
In all honesty, it’s been somewhat of a relief to not be in touch with her, though I’m not comfortable with NC in the long term. LC possibly, but not NC.

We live abroad, and won’t be going back to the UK any time soon. With Christmas approaching I feel I want to break this silence. I don’t want Christmas Day to be the first contact I have with her – it will play on my mind and has the potential to ruin the day. It’s been a difficult year (my lovely DF died, parents were divorced) and Christmas has never been a fun time (see above: narc mum and divorced parents, say no more) so I want to make it special for my DC and DH, and not worry about DM.

So I guess my question is, what do you say when you break the silence? “HI mum it’s me…” and then what? I’m not expecting it to be a great call – best case will be awkward chit chat, worst case will be tears and drama… But making contact of some kind feels like the right thing to do.

I know you can’t write a script for me, and not really sure what I’m posting for tbh but has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
NancyDonahue · 07/12/2018 14:15

Are you able to text or email to say 'Hi mum, I would like to call you for a chat if that's ok?'. It puts the ball in her court and is a bit less pressure than a sudden phone call for both of you.

noego · 07/12/2018 14:27

What does your therapist advise?

dragongirlx · 07/12/2018 14:40

I would wait for her to make the first move. I am NC with my mother but it took many attempts to make this permanent. Every time I got back in touch with her she took it as an apology and validation for her behaviour - she is a narc and never wrong.
Last time I refused to get back in touch and she has never made any attempt to contact me - its been 4 years.

I agree with noego though - ask your therapist and see what they advise

Original poster
HotHandle · 07/12/2018 15:19

We’ve not discussed dm during my last counseling session and my next one will be in Jan due to Xmas etc.

When I’ve raised it (ie getting in touch with dm) before, my therapist has said that she wasn’t sure I was in a strong enough place. I agreed at the time (a few weeks ago... I am feeling stronger now and because of Christmas fast approaching I am a bit limited in terms of spare time to catch DM at home.

I would not be surprised if DM takes my contact as “crawling back”.

I don’t want to text first, she doesn’t respond too quickly and waiting for her to write back will stress me out... somehow I just want to call the house and see what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
HotHandle · 07/12/2018 19:42

Too tired to face it tonight, maybe over the weekend at some point...

OP posts:
MissMalice · 07/12/2018 19:44

How did you end contact before?

I think you need to be prepared for a backlash. I went NC last year. Tried to make contact over the summer and it went horribly and I’m now expectedly permanently NC.

Can you therapist not fit you in at all before Christmas?

noego · 07/12/2018 20:09

As long as you are prepared to take the back lash and not let the emotions fester until you can see your therapist in January.
Do you think your state of mind would deteriorate if this was the case? Therefore undoing all the good work you have put in with your therapist!!
Is it worth the risk? Just to scratch an itch

Standinguptononsense · 07/12/2018 20:18

Who. Are you doing this for you? You or her?

BollocksToBrexit · 07/12/2018 20:23

It sounds like you don't actually want to do this. That as Christmas is approaching you feel that you ought to do it. Christmas is a very bad time for strained relationships.

MoseShrute · 07/12/2018 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elfontheshelfiswatchingyoutoo · 07/12/2018 20:35

Crawling back? Her own flesh and blood. Parents are supposed to have the wisdom of being older and more perspective.

If she thinks your crawling back leave it op.

It's horrible to think of your own baby like that.

Your better off without her if that's how she views things.

AboutThat · 07/12/2018 21:16

I suppose a lot depends on what has happened and how the NC came into being.

Maybe it would be wiser to get Christmas over with first and speak to your therapist in January and if you still feel like making contact is what you really want to do then look at how to approach it.

Original poster
HotHandle · 07/12/2018 21:39

NC over Xmas seems too much. Maybe she’s prepared to let it get that bad, but I’m not sure I am.

I think I’d be doing it for me, not her.

Lots of useful thoughts here, thank you. And sorry to see some of you have been through similar.

OP posts:
AboutThat · 07/12/2018 21:49

Ahh then it sounds like you should just go for it, don't have a script ready though, that never comes across well. Play it by ear.

noego · 07/12/2018 21:52

Be prepared to just put the phone down if she crosses a boundary.

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