For those who look back on their childhood and think their parents weren't very supportive

[BigSandyBalls2015]

..... as we see a lot on MN, can I ask a question.

DD is nearly 18 (year 13), she insisted on staying on for A levels even though I suggested alternatives that I believed woukd suit her better (bright but lazy). She's done the bare minimum, often late, I still have to drag her out of bed in the morning, you get the picture.

She's suddenly been talking about uni and how the deadline is Jan - she hasn't viewed and all the open days are over. I did mention all this several times months ago but she wasn't interested.

Last night she starts getting quite animated about a certain course and how she's going to apply. I was pleased she's taking an interest but did say that with her track record with lack of work, lateness and being unable to get out of bed I was reluctant to help fund uni as I didn't think she was self motivated enough at this stage, and added do you really think you'll get the grades even if you buckle down as it's now Dec!

It's a lot of money and I'd frankly rather spend it on holidays with DH than a DD who slept and partied throughout a three year course.

She flounced out, angry and disappointed and I overheard her on the phone to a friend telling her "how unsupportive my parents are, would rather go on hols etc etc" - that was the only part of the conversation she was focussing on.

Just made me think about some adults who look back and just remember part of a convo or situation and not the whole thing.

If you said roger you'd rather spend the money on holiday than uni I can see why she feels to be honest.

Can she not get a loan / job anyway?

I would talk to her again OP, and try to find a compromise. Tell her that you're happy that she's found a course she's interested in, and you're keen to support her, but it's a lot of money so you need to see a commitment from her too.

Don't mention her past behaviour - let both of you see this as an opportunity for a fresh start.

Sit down together and think about a budget. Tell her that she can get a loan to cover her uni fees and you're prepared to support her with other costs to a certain extent - but that she'll need to get a job too, and will also have to commit to a specified financial contribution. If she can't commit to that, or commits to it now but fails to live up to it later on, then the deal is off.

Maybe that will help her feel supported but also realise she needs to take some responsibility for herself?

My dd got a pt job to help fund uni. And a grant.
You can't be the only one making the effort here!!

I would expect her to get a job, but even with that we would need to fund part of it - her maintenance loan wouldn't even cover accommodation.

Maybe I am focussing too much on past behaviour but I need to see a change before I can encourage her ..... I still had to drag her out of bed this morning, after last night's conversation .... and she was 30 minutes late for class. Imagine that in uni digs hundreds of miles away! She'd wake up at 2pm.

How many times are you going to tell us how little you think of your daughter? Are you still doing all you can to help her twin sister, as you were at the beginning of the year?

Why don't you encourage her to do a gap year to work and save for uni? Offer it that whatever she saves you can match for uni. She has left it fairly late to be deciding now to go to uni even if she had visited the uni. She could also look at a foundation degree course at college?

Did you really say you'd rather spend it on holidays?! The set up is based on parents over the means testing threshold contributing - no one can make you, but you are effectively stopping her going if you don't.

A good proportion of (probably most) students slack off a bit in their first year of university as they experiment with being off the parental leash. The vast majority then figure out how to be adults - it's growing up. Some teenagers are already completely perfect at self regulation and self discipline, but not many.

and added do you really think you'll get the grades even if you buckle down as it's now Dec!

I think that was a pretty awful thing to say. By all means point out that she'd have a lot of hard work ahead of her to catch up now, but why tell her it's already too late? Of course she can greatly improve her grade between now and May, and also how can you expect to see any motivation in her if you're telling her just to give up because she's already ruined it all at 17!

Well quite OP. The stately homes lot in particular are probably just former sulky teenagers who are misremembering their perfect parents like you.

Tbf if the OPs daughter is only showing interest now having missed all the open days is risky.
She’ll not have a chance to meet any staff, see any facilities/accommodation.
Would she only get the minimum loan?
Which unis and courses is she considering?

Oh and stop getting her up, let her take the disciplinary action from college from not going in.

If she applies and gets a place they will either have an offer holders day or arrange something for her if she gets in touch. Assuming she's not applying to Oxbridge or another very top university (unlikely from what OP says) university is a buyers market now - they work very hard to turn offers into acceptances.

I had a very similar situation - my parents refused to fund my uni course and said it was a waste of money.

I’m going to try not to sound like a martyr here, but my parents did nothing to help equip me with the skills to organise work, meet deadlines etc. They never took any interest in my school work. There didn’t seem to be much point trying. I was smart but massively under achieved, plodding along as the average kid no one noticed. My parents never made an effort to find out about my ambitions or talents (if I had any!) So it was easy to miss deadlines and laze around in bed.

Even now at 40, I have to stop myself underperforming. I still haven’t quite learnt these skills and worry every day that I will
Do the same to my children.

I think you need to work much more closely with her to seriously understand her options and what she wants from them, I colvig outside help if necessary. She probably needs some direction. She’s only young and you need guidance