How to begin to rethink my life

[Msbobblysocks]

Hi everyone

Looking for any wise words of advice as I’m at a cross roads in my life and feeling a bit overwhelmed.

In my early 40s, 2DC 7 and 4. My now ex had an affair and left this time last year after 18 years together. Currently still in family home but can’t afford to buy him out so will have to move. Was working 4 days but have gone up to full time to cover the mortgage for the time being. Been sort of living in limbo but know I need to somehow start rebuilding a new life - but I just feel like I don’t even know where to begin or what I want.

I’ve no family support and my job is flexible but long hours and demanding. Ex has the kids every other weekend ( sort of although often just one night) and does bedtime here once a week but takes no responsibility for them. The last few weeks it has really just all felt too much and like I just can’t keep going like this. Sometimes I feel if I could just be brave and take a leap and use this to change my life both me and the DC would be happier - as opposed to having to change it but trying to keep it as similar as possible?

Lots of practical difficulties - am in London so if I stay things will be financially challenging although I could get a higher paid job but see the kids less. We had been planning to move out, possibly back to where I’m from but it is 6 hours away. Now feel I’m trapped by needing to stay near enough ex for the kids.

I guess I’m looking for advice on how to even begin to make the decisions I need to? Or how to imagine a new life and a future and let go of the one I’d always thought I’d had?

Try not to over think it. You cannot predict the future. Do not have a fear of it. One thing at a time. Get Christmas and New Year over with and then re-group.
Things will present themselves at the right time and then decisions can be made around them.

Could you move out of London but still be close enough for your exH to see the dc? I am a lone parent living in London and I think it’s tough. I have a job that means we are ok, particularly once you factor in the help we get from my DC’s father, but if I had less money I would definitely want to move out of a London.

If you've got family in that place six hours away, you might be able to get some practical support with the DC, plus properties will probably be a lot cheaper so you'd need a smaller mortgage. Will your job transfer?

The Ex won't like it but he's not a lot of use anyway is he? If he wants to see the DC he'll have to make arrangements to travel and devote some time and energy to it.

I moved out of London, I REALLY wish I hadn’t.

However, you’d talked about moving out to where you’re from. - what support would you have there? Do you think your DC would like living there? Do you think they’d mind seeing him less often but for more if the holidays or whatever?

Do what’s right for them and you. He can like it or lump it, he’s the one that chose to have an affair instead of prioritising his commitment to his family. I’m not saying people have to stay in unhappy relationships, but they have the responsibility to talk to the other person and try to work it out or end it BEFORE seeing someone else.

Spend sometime dreaming, thinking, don’t focus on the practicalities...just see if there’s something that excites you. THEN work out how to make something as close to that as possible happen.

Dream big!

Thanks everyone - as you can see it’s woken me up at night thinking about it all!

@Notcontent it would be doable for me to stay in London ( and I do have the option to move jobs and get paid quite a bit more, but would lose the flexibility I have now which helps re the kids). I’d have to move areas and schools though to do so.

@Singlenotsingle and @iloveautumnleaves - I don’t think I’d get much help from family, it would be more I have some very close childhood friends there who I can really rely on. I think the kids would love living there, but more boring job for me ( not easy to move my job) and there are definitely reasons I left! I also think my eldest - who is really struggling - would find it hard being away from ex. I’m not sure if I could take them so far away. I also wonder if it is just an easy option I’m grasping at.

@noego - you are probably right! The control freak in me is finding it very hard, although I am trying to see it as an opportunity to live more in the moment .

I understand that this is the time for reflection. You have probably not been your authentic self for quite some time. Perhaps now is the time to find the authentic self that you truly are.
Find that first and then let everything develop around that. You have now experienced that in truth you are not in control and that these things that happen in life and to us are turning points to follow a better and different path.
The roles that you have been playing, wife, mother, employee, colleague etcetera is not really you, so now is the time to find the one who is real.
Your strength will come from finding that and everything will come to you, if you let it.

Many thanks @noego - your words have genuinely helped.

A starter for you OP

Another one for you OP
HTHs